Review: The Fog

Even when a studio knows they have a fetid floater on their hands, they usually make some kind of effort to screen the movie for critics in advance of its opening. After all, any ink is, more or less, good ink. Any advance screening will do, even if it is the night before opening with a theater full of radio station listeners also in attendance. Most critics don't feel slighted by this kind of eleventh-hour treatment, as long as we can turn in finished copy before the weekend so that we might spend Saturday and Sunday doing silly things, like eating, sleeping and spending time with loved ones (all things we usually have to do in a movie theater).

For whatever reason -- perhaps the person in charge of wide screenings for The Fog was out sick this week, or maybe they wanted to preserve all the premium scares (which were somehow missing from the print that I watched after driving 45 minutes through torrential New Hampshire rains) -- Sony barely screened the movie before its October 14 opening. For whatever reason, it still seems lazy, disingenuous and, as we say up here in New England, "wicked irritating". Therefore, out of protest and to prove a point, I shall put as little effort into reviewing it as Sony did promoting it. Following, find a collection of recycled quotes about other movies that fit this recycled version of John Carpenter's old-fashioned 1980 horror yarn about the ghosts of doomed ship who come to haunt a small island town:


My First Impression:
"…from some inert movie world of lifeless clichés, emptily flashy style, wooden characters and moribund plot shtick..." --Michael Wilmington (Chicago Tribune), reviewing White Noise (2005)

Regarding Remaking The 25-Year-Old Genre Film:
"It was a bad remake that was terribly stupid, had mediocre special effects…" --Joel Fuernsinn & Idris Hsi (Georgia Tech) reviewing Godzilla (1998)

Was It A Faithful Remake, At Least?:
"…but really, who gives a shit?" --The Grinch (Hollywood Bitchslap) reviewing The Mummy (1999)

On Casting TV Stars Like Tom Welling (Smallville) And Maggie Grace (Lost):
"What happens when a bunch of lightweight TV actors make the jump to the big screen…" --Derek Tse (Jam! Movies) reviewing Texas Rangers (2002)

On Welling's Performance:
"…a look of surprise as if he did not know quite what was happening." --Blake Snyder (MovieWeb) on Colin Farell's turn in Alexander (2004)

On Grace's Performance:
"My advice: Keep your day job." --Jane Stevenson (Jam! Movies) reviewing Lance Bass of (NSync) in On The Line (2001)

What About Selma Blair (As The Sexy Single Mother-Of-One Who Owns The Island's Lighthouse/Radio Station)?:
"Selma Blair is saddled with a humiliating role." --Scott Weinberg (Hollywood Bitchslap) reviewing Selma Blair in The Sweetest Thing (2002)

It's Not All That Bad, Is It?
"...but what's more ridiculous is the fact that these ghosts move with a fog machine – er, I mean, glowing fog – and are smart enough to disrupt telephone poles and power lines, not to mention start up cars and mess with radio systems. For people that died 100 years ago, these guys sure know a lot about modern appliances!" --Nix (Beyond Hollywood) reviewing John Carpenter's original The Fog (1980)

On Being A Stupid Ghost Story:
"It's completely silly, and takes away any illusion that you are watching anything but a stupid ghost story." --Mr. Hipster (MrHipster.com) reviewing The Others (2001)

In Conclusion:
"…but it's just not interesting. Mostly because we don't care about these people, but also because the dialogue is so stilted and theatrical, it sounds forced and unnatural." --David Nusair (AllMoviePortal.com) reviewing Solaris (2002)

"…written in crayon, network TV friendly, vanity project piece of garbage." --Chris Parry (Hollywood Bitchslap) reviewing Dangerous Ground (1997)

"It's a movie for viewers who can't be bothered with such niceties as logic, story arch, characters, direction and pace. It is an impressive achievement of ineptitude. If Ed Wood were alive, he'd love it." --Chris Vognar (Dallas Morning News) reviewing Double Take (2001)