Cinematical Seven: Videogame Movies

Yeah, so we all know by now that DOOM is a terrible movie. Reviews have hit it fast and hard, and nobody seems to like it. Is anybody really surprised by this? With very few exceptions, video games simply have not translated into good movies – or even mediocre movies, for that matter. Let’s take a quick jaunt down memory lane, shall we? I apologize for bringing up these painful, no doubt repressed memories, but hey, I’m making a point here. Cinematical presents, in no particular order, the Seven Worst Video Game Movies.

1. Super Mario Brothers – Let’s face it, although Super Mario Brothers was a tremendous video game and the flagship of the famous Nintendo Entertainment System, it’s a story about two plumbers who bounce on turtles and mushroom-looking-things while trying to rescue a princess. Realizing that this plot was not exactly movie gold, the writers of Super Mario Brothers decided the story needed some overhauling. Somehow, they managed to make it even worse.
   
2. Street Fighter – The Street Fighter movie shifted the story’s focus from Ryu (the central character of the video games) to Guile (Jean-Claude Van Damme), and shifted the world’s opinion of Street Fighter from awesome to terrible. I really don’t know if a worse movie could be created. Oh, wait. We’ve still got to discuss Uwe Boll. In a pathetic attempt at marketing, the Street Fighter movie also resulted in a new Street Fighter game based on the revamped movie plot.  The result was (I kid you not) Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game.
3. Double Dragon – This movie featured the Shakespearean exchange "You are weak like your father,” “Oh yeah? Well you’re ugly like your momma.” Even for being a mid-nineties movie, the special effects in this flick were remarkably terrible. The plot ostentatiously revolved around an angry Chinese gang attempting to steal half of a magical medallion from karate-using brothers Billy and Jimmy Lee. Sadly, that’s the strongest plot we’ve encountered on this list so far. The actors seemed to be involved in some weird contest over who could turn in the worst performance, with the introduction of each new character adding another level of cheese.
   
4. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - Shut up "Mr. I can’t get any real action so I drool over Lara Croft," this movie is as awful as the rest of them. Yes, it is. Angelina Jolie may be the object of lust for many a fanboy, but her performance as Lara Croft is nothing special, and the plot of the movie is just what we’ve come to expect from a video game film. Granted, the pointless action is well presented, but that’s about the best you can say for Tomb Raider.
   
5. Pokemon- It’s Pokemon. It’s a movie, about Pokemon. Just…think about that for a minute. You are only allowed to think this is a good movie if you are under the age of 12, or if you are between the ages of 30 and 45 and still living with your parents. In that case, I’m sorry your Pikachu card is the closest thing you have to a best friend.
6. Alone in the Dark- If you haven’t heard of Uwe Boll, you need to look him up. The director of Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead is amazingly fun to hate. He’s an icon in the geek movie world, for the sheer awfulness of his video game to film adaptations. This movie is tremendously fun to watch, in that Mystery Science Theatre sort of way. With every passing second you find yourself thinking “it couldn’t possibly get any worse.” But you soon discover that you’ve underestimated the abilities of Mr. Uwe Boll! You’d think a movie about a detective of the paranormal would have at least a passable attempt at appealing to the geek crowd, but no, Mr. Boll manages to make it entirely unappealing to the one group of fans that should be his base. And he’s not done yet…
7. House of the Dead – If you take the paragraph that I wrote above and re read it, you’ll have my opinion of House of the Dead. Let me provide you with IMDB’s plot summary, just to give you an idea of the movie. “A group of teens arrive on an island for a rave, only to discover the island has been taken over by zombies.” In an age where we can make our cinema zombies look convincingly creepy and undead, the zombies in House of the Dead look like something out of Army of Darkness. I don’t know if Uwe Boll could do worse if he tried. I guess I’ll find out, though, as for some reason, video game producers seem to be jumping at the chance to hire Mr. Boll. He’s online for Dungeon Siege, Far Cry, Hunter: The Reckoning, and Fear Effect. It looks like the proud tradition of video game movies is in solid hands.
   

It should be mentioned that video game movies are by no means a thing of the past. In addition to the myriad of projects Mr. Uwe Boll is bringing to the table, several other video game movies are in production. Titles such as Hitman and Silent Hill are in the works, and gamer favorite Halo may represent the industry’s best hope for a true success.

Let’s hear what you’ve got. Tell me where my list is wrong, and what fantastically horrible movies I’ve left out.