Cinematical Seven: Horror Remakes That DON'T Suck!
Filed under: Classics, Horror, Sci-Fi & Fantasy, Thrillers, Cinematical Seven, Remakes and Sequels
House of Wax, starring Paris Hilton. The Fog, starring Wooden Superman. The Amityville Horror, starring Van Wilder.
Yep, it's tough to be an old-school hardcore horror fan these days, what with all the really atrocious remakes that keep flopping off of the studios' assembly lines. (If you paid money to see When a Stranger Calls, you're either one devoted horror fan -- or a really bored high school kid.) But since the Horror Fan is nothing if not loyally optimistic, we trudge off to each successive remake with a small kernel of hope -- maybe this one won't suck the proverbial egg. So while it's perfectly logical for a passionate horror geek to throw up his/her hands and shriek "Ack! Horror remakes! They all suck!!" -- the simple truth is that they don't all suck. The good ones are just pretty darn few and far between.
7. Night of the Living Dead (1990)-- Splatter-master Tom Savini got the chance to direct his own remake of Romero's all-time classic back in 1990, and -- whaddaya know? -- he did a pretty solid job of it! With extra gore dripping from the floorboards and the presence of genre favorites Tony Todd & Bill Moseley, this re-visit came long before the Remake Renaissance, but I think it still holds up pretty well today.
6. The Hills Have Eyes (2006) -- Yes, it's a new addition to the list, but I'm a guy who absolutely adores Wes Craven's original Hills, so feel free to take my recommendation as a seasoned gorehound who knows what's up. The re-do amps up the "nuclear family" subtext and delivers a little extra gore & humor for your $9.50. No, it's not better than the original, but it's not an outright slap in the chops either. Kudos to the High Tension guys for delivering a remake that respects its predecessor while claiming a little territory of its own. (Plus there's an Unrated version on the way!)
5. The Blob (1988) -- I've lost count of how many times I watched the original version as a kid, but Chuck Russell's 1988 remake shows off a comic-book sensibility, a whole lot of action, and a really goopy take on cinema's most amorphous monster. See it for the garbage disposal dispatch, for the freaky phone booth buffet, or for Kevin Dillon's hilarious mullet. The original flick might still be a classic, but I actually prefer the modern one nowadays. Basically, if you're opting for a Blob Double Feature, stick with these two and be sure to avoid the 1972 semi-sequel Beware! The Blob, which (oddly enough) was directed by Larry Hagman.
4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) -- I've got lots of hardcore horror pals out there, and the group is split right down the middle where Marcus Nispel's TCM remake is concerned. Some see a bleak and unflinching new horror flick; others see a klunky and over-directed rip-off. Me, I dig the thing a whole lot -- and it's not just because of Jessica Biel and her perpetually jiggly T-shirt. True, there's a big block of unnecessary back-story and, yeah, most of the remake's best ideas are snagged from Tobe Hooper's original classic, but I still see this one as a slick, stylish, and admirably grim rendition of one of horror's true immortals.
3. Dawn of the Dead (2004) -- Sure, Zack Snyder's remake is more "apocalyptic action" than "socially relevant horror parable," but I guess that's why they call 'em "remakes." You take a movie that people love, plant your own spin on the thing, and hope everyone comes out and enjoys it. Debate all you want about fast zombies vs. slow, but there's little denying that the new DOTD is a fast-paced, exciting, and oddly disturbing little experiment. Doesn't touch the original, of course, but c'mon, who really thought it could?
2. The Fly (1986) -- Finally, a horror remake that's actually better than the original! Doesn't happen too often, but I'm not surprised it was David Cronenberg who broke that particular seal. Call it an AIDS parable, a metaphor for the frailty of the human condition in the face of consumptive disease, the world's nastiest chick flick, or a down & dirty horror mega-classic... I'd agree on all counts. One of Cronenberg's very finest films, it features stellar goop effects, superlative work from Jeff Goldblum & Geena Davis, and a palpable sense of physical unease that still haunts viewers today. I know folks who HATE horror movies, yet love this one. Weird, eh?
1. The Thing (1982) -- John Carpenter's 1982 masterpiece hit the theaters only a few short weeks after Spielberg's cuddly E.T. hit the scene, and I suppose moviegoers were more in the mood for benign space visitors who like candy than they were for a stunningly disgusting meta-morpho-monster who likes nothing more than to kill, devour, absorb, and replicate his victims. Their loss, I guess, because The Thing is, quite simply, one of the best horror movies ever made. Whether you're a fan of outrageously gory monster effects, the quietly effective "Ten Little Indians" style of body count, or the inescapable sense of isolated dread that runs throughout the whole freaky flick ... wow. This flick's really something special, and I find myself revisiting The Thing once or twice a year. Toss a great turn by Kurt Russell and a stellar Morricone score into the equation, and you're looking at the single finest horror remake ever made. (Although you could flip-flop The Thing and The Fly and you wouldn't hear any complaints from me!)
Did I leave something good out? Much as I enjoyed the new versions of The Ring and Dark Water (yes, I'm the one), I was hoping to stick mainly with "traditional" type remakes, and not the "OMG this horror movie rocks but it's in Japanese which means we need one made in English ASAP!" titles. Perhaps for my next installment, I'll do the seven worst horror remakes -- although, with so many terrible flicks to wade through, a project like that would take about 25 hours of real research.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
3-23-2006 @ 2:30PM
josh said...
As a devout horror fan, I agree with your assessment, and your order. Good post.
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3-23-2006 @ 2:59PM
Userless said...
I must be missing something. What is The Thing a remake of? I never heard of an original? Or is it "loosely based" on some early film?
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3-23-2006 @ 3:12PM
m13b said...
Nice job. Although I personally dislike the NotLD remake because nothing can hold a candle to the perfect ending of the original.
I wish I could think up a few more off the top of my head, but it really is slim pickings.
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3-23-2006 @ 3:49PM
Chuck said...
You certainly got the top two right: "The Fly" and "The Thing" are two of the best horror movies ever made, films that recognized the limits of their inspiration and elaborated on the characters and themes as much as the special effects. The Fly didn't have as much challenge, its inspiration, for lack of a better word, sucks. Both incarnations of The Thing are great, and reflect the very different worlds they came from. I have to politely disagree on TCM remake though, that's just another casuality of the thoughtless remake machine. As for ones you missed, I would suggest, depending on whether it even counts as horror or not, Scorsese's "Cape Fear" remake, which is terrific, which actually seems to draw more from "Night of the Hunter" than the lackluster original "Cape Fear".
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3-23-2006 @ 4:08PM
James Rocchi said...
Scott: There's a glaring omission in your list -- What about Phillip Kaufman's Invasion of the Body Snatchers? (And don't suggest it's a sequel thanks to the Kevin McCarthy cameo. ...) Long before I lived in San Fran, I thought that Invasion '78 was amazing ... and, frankly, it's a movie I can go back to yar after year after year.
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3-23-2006 @ 4:12PM
Alex said...
I think based on merit in the face of the original, Dawn of the Dead ought to be #1. The Thing is a classic, maybe even moreso than the original at this point, but it had to be much more difficult for Zack Snyder to pull off a successful DotD remake than it was for John Carpenter to pull off The Thing.
And I feel about the TCM remake exactly how I feel about Jaws 2... if not for the original, this would be great.
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3-23-2006 @ 6:02PM
John B said...
I agree with The Thing and The Fly.
The Hills Have Eyes was the worst piece of crap I have seen since The Village. I actually considered litigation against the studio to recover the IQ points I lost while sitting through that sorry excuse for a horror movie.
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3-23-2006 @ 8:15PM
Peter said...
You've got to be kidding me with that last stab at The Hills Have Eyes remake, John B. How in the name of all that is horror, is that a "sorry excuse"?
The Hills remake is the most complete, most seamless horror remake since The Fly. It is a brutal, bittersweet and yet honest as hell genre flick. I'm baffled as to how someone who does respect The Thing and The Fly can have no appreciation for the tremendeous level of understanding that Aja had on display.
He's no Cronenberg or Carpenter (who else is?), but he only has two films carved into his bed post and he's already playing in a league no other rookies are.
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3-23-2006 @ 8:46PM
Scott Weinberg said...
1. It's a remake of "The Thing from Another World" (1951).
2. Thanks.
3. I kinda cheated; if you want the horror fans to agree with you, just say something nice about The Thing or The Fly. ;) But I do think they're the 2 best horror remakes out there.
4. Cape Fear and Invasion '78 just missed the cut, bcz they felt kinda like "reaches" to me, genre-wise. Both have horrorish elements in there, of course, but I don't consider either of them "horror movies." (And I also think the '78 Snatchers is an improvement over the (excellent) original.
5. I dig Jaws 2too!
6. Agree to disagree then. I thought Aja's remake was quite entertaining ... and not just from a visceral angle.
7. Gotta agree RE: Aja. Kid's got some real skills, and I hope he hangs in the horror department for a while.
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3-24-2006 @ 9:12AM
Elliott said...
Remakes are great, we get to see what the characters would have done if they had cell phones.
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3-24-2006 @ 9:30AM
John B said...
Peter,
I found the movie to be nothing more than a thinly veiled insult at conservatives. The movie portrays the police as incompetent, cowardly morons. While the liberal, who probably has no life experience dealing with violent people manages to save the day.
My wife really wanted to see this movie, she is more into that genre than me, but even she considered leaving halfway through the movie.
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3-24-2006 @ 10:21AM
Peter said...
I never thought of it that way, but I still have to disagree. The conservative/liberal dialogue was amped for the remake, but I don't think for the point of elevating one side over the other. The cop wasn't incompetent or cowardly, he just had the bad misfortune of being ambushed (just as with the original).
The whole point of showing that 'the liberal' had zero experience in that area was to show just how much of a beating a man can take when they are at the edge of it all. It certainly isn't a cinematic landmark in that regard, but I'd hardly say that its inclusion had anything more in mind than the economy of screen time. Really his liberalness was only brought up once (maybe twice) and only because there isn't much of a faster way to play up pussy stereotypes than calling someone a liberal who doesn't like guns. Everyone got the point with just that one scene alone.
The only other political moment of the film, and a far more blatant one, is of course the Brain's speech (which I thought drastically needed to be axed from the movie or entirely re-writen), but even that wasn't at all partisan.
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3-24-2006 @ 4:04PM
John B said...
Peter,
There was more to it than just conservative/liberal dialogue.
The father, the experienced detective, is forcing his family to take a trip they don't want to. He is made out to be a overbearing know it all. He chastised his son on law for being liberal. They make the father out to be a buffoon, especially when he tells the gas station owner that it is against the law to smoke while pumping gas. No cop that has more than a year on the job will ever point out a violation of law to someone in a situation like that, unless they plan on arresting them for the offense. To top it all off, he trusts the friendly advise he gets from the gas station owner, and takes an unmapped dirt road shortcut, putting his entire family at risk.
After the wreck he breaks out the guns. He gives one to his son, who immediately points it at the son in law, violating one of the cardinal safety rules of firearm safety - Never point a firearm at anyone or anything you do not intend to shoot. The father does nothing after witnessing this behavior. The father had this huge revolver, no doubt to make him appear as a "Dirty Harry" wanna be. A gun like that is a good choice as a primary weapon if you will be in the woods hunting deer. It is not a good choice as a defensive weapon. Too big and too slow.
So the father goes off and leaves the group alone. When he gets to the gas station he figures out that he was duped. Then upon witnessing the gas station dude blow his head off he panics. He hears voices and takes wild shots with his big revolver, making a big noise but to no effect. Heading back to the station owners car he is captured rather quickly. Bah.
On the other hand the liberal walks to the crater and finds all the vehicles from the other victims. Instead of looking for a couple of tires for their damaged vehicle, or even looking to see if any of the vehicles still run, he comes back with a fishing pole and a stuffed animal. Of course, the fishing pole saves the day. The liberal withstands all kinds of physical abuse, out thinks the bad guys, and saves the day. He even gets a couple of fingers chopped off but works that pump shotgun like nothing is wrong with him. He also must have had his glasses glued to his head because they managed to stay on his head through all those fights.
I did like one actor in the movie, the German Shepard named Beast. Two thumbs up for his performance.
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3-24-2006 @ 4:10PM
Film Junk said...
No way man, I found Beast's acting to be stilted and forced.
Actually I did like The Hills Have Eyes remake as well, one of the few that may have improved upon the original in my opinion.
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3-25-2006 @ 3:11AM
TheMovieGoer.com said...
Good list.
Add "The Grudge" and "The Ring", and if its actually a remake, "Return of the Living Dead".
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3-25-2006 @ 3:53AM
Josh Bell said...
See, John, I actually got sort of the opposite message from Hills: The whiny liberal kept complaining about the presence of guns, but it was only when he picked up that shotgun and started blowing people away (i.e., became a conservative) that he was able to effectively defend his family.
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3-27-2006 @ 3:03PM
Tep said...
As a huge fan of the original Dawn of the Dead, I was hesitant about seeing the remake...glad I did, because it was very impressive, and the opening 10 minutes might be the strongest in horror film history.
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3-27-2006 @ 3:39PM
Seth said...
i'm glad someone else LOVED texas chainsaw massacre! Awsome remake!
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3-27-2006 @ 4:06PM
Mike said...
Conservative/Liberal? It's a freaking horror flick not some Political debate. Sheezz.
Besides you want to watch a conservative movie Rent "MARY POPPINS"
Everything now a days has to have some stupid political spin
The remake of the FLY and The Thing were great. Didn't care much for the other remakes listed
Peace
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3-27-2006 @ 5:11PM
Mars said...
I am not into the horror genre, really, but I will say my husband seems to be. He has a huge collection of some of the very old ones that he has obtained from the studios. But there are a few he does like to watch often, including "The Fog", but I think he like the view of Adrienne Barbeau in that flick!
My personal nightmare, as a tiny child, I did sneak in to see "Psycho"!!! But, You see, once I have been
"scared to death" by some of these movies, I just don't want to see the remakes ... What I do want to know, is WHY DO REMAKES? WHAT? DON'T THEY HAVE A BRAIN TO THINK UP AN IDEA OF THEIR OWN? I could see it, if you want to remake your own, with new techno, to say do it better, but to try to "show up" the old version? Is that the point? Think of something new! Can't you? I just hear a song from an old movie I heard as a child, "The wizard of OZ" --"If I Only had a BRAIN!" LOL! Now, that WAS an original!!!
Happy day! --Mars
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