Cinematical

Okay, so the hot topic in all of Cinema these days is of course Johnny Depp's triumphant return to the silver screen as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. It is a movie that seems to transcend all viewer blocs and appeal to practically everyone, definitely geeks inclusive. For this reason, I feel entirely compelled to dedicate this week's issue of the Geek Beat to the flick. The whole industry is talking about this movie, and I want to join in the fun.

Now here's the deal. Those of you who read even semi-regularly are fully aware I don't do movie reviews. I'm not a critic, I don't pretend to be -- I leave that to better minds than my own. I find that if I get caught up in trying to be a critic, I entirely lose sight of the geeky fanboy nature of movie watching. It ceases being fun for me, because I'm too busy focusing on the minutia and trying to sound intelligent. I'm just not talented enough to pull it off. Besides, we here at Cine already have two fantastic reviews of the film for you to digest if that's what you are after, and Scott and James are far too talented of an act for me to follow. Instead, I'm going to do what the Geek Beat does best: offer the off-the-wall thoughts of your resident geek. So here, in no particular order, are the thoughts which ran through my head as I watched this summer's dandy (which, by the way, I absolutely loved). SPOILER HATERS BEWARE, I imagine the following will incidentally touch on some major plot points.

I want ... no, need ... an undead monkey. Aside from the apparent trade value should I ever find myself in need of the services of a crazy witch doctor/hedge wizard, the thing was just cool. He'd be a great conversational piece, and a pet I would never have to bury in my back yard. Heck, I could pass him along to my children; he'd eventually become a family heirloom.

Giant sea monsters are undoubtedly the most scary monsters on earth, because any time you encounter them you are doing so on their terms and turf. You find yourself face-to-face with the Kraken, you know you are doomed. There's nowhere to run, because you are in the middle of the ocean. Even if you manage to not get dead, you're doomed to either starve to death or drown after floating aimlessly on the driftwood of your wrecked ship. You know, forget about imaginary creatures, those giant squid things would be the worst enemy to ever find yourself fighting against. Creepy.

The critics at least got one bit entirely correct; the film needs more Johnny Depp. But really, when it comes to Captain Jack he coulda been on screen for every second of the movie and it'd still suffer from needing more Johnny Depp. Say what you like about the guy, he is golden in this role.

Caribbean Pirates are far more successful and FAR more fun to watch than Pittsburgh Pirates. Maybe Pittsburgh should look into replacing Dave Littlefield with Gore Verbinski. Or with that pirate guy who kept losing his eye. Either one would be an upgrade.

The whole Swing the Bonecage thing was pretty ridiculous. Fun, but ridiculous.

If I had my still living heart separated from my body and I needed it to stay safe to keep me alive, I'd find somewhere far better to hide it than buried in sand.

You mean to tell me Davey Jones has crazy supernatural teleporting powers, but manages to sleep through some dude pulling a key from around his neck? He needs to take a lesson from the cowboys and learn to sleep with one eye open.

If my father threw dice against an supernatural being of great evil, my father would win. Don't ask me how, but the guy never looses anything. Ever. Granted, I don't think my dad has ever been put in the situation of selling his soul to said being in exchange for continued unnatural life, so I imagine circumstances are rather mitigating.

Bill Nighy and Geoffory Rush bring an insane amount of acting legitimacy to what should be two very silly and unbelievable villains. These are actors with real chops portraying B-movie level baddies. And it makes them all the more awesome, in my book.

Although I was fully aware of the basic plot outline for PotC  three months before this one even hit theaters, I still expected this one to be more of a self-contained film. It was not, and it ended with a full-blown cliffhanger. I do not find this to be at all disappointing, however. I love a good two-parter if the momentum can be successfully retained over the course of two films. And this part, at least, had plenty of momentum. Also, don't forget the next part will be coming much sooner than typical sequels thanks to back-to-back filming.

I can't wait for Pirates 3.