Cinematical Seven: The Worst Horror Films Of All Time

Halloween is almost upon us, and you know what that means: People like me are busy compiling their lists of horror films that did something or didn't do something or just plain suck. Not to be left out, I have worked diligently to produce the following list of the seven horror films that I deem the bad of the bad, the worst of the worst and the crap of the crap of all time.

When taking a look at this list, please try to bear in mind that this is my list and therefore reflects my delicate sensibilities (or lack thereof). Plus, as some of you may know, I have an intense dislike for directors who feel compelled to remake, or even worse "re-imagine," classic horror films. Almost without exception these bastard children tend to be pale imitations of their originals. In fact, can we just strike "re-imagine" from the lexicon of cinema right now and have it never be used again?

Also, as I'm sure will be made abundantly clear shortly, this list is by no means complete. Tastes vary as much as Ben Affleck's acting or Lindsey Lohan's choice of boyfriends, so many films that may deserve to appear on this list will not. I know there are more -- and I know you will have your own picks, so limber up those fingers, hit the comments and tell us your thoughts.

Now, come closer to your monitor and let's roll it.

Blood Sucking Freaks (aka The Incredible Torture Show) (1976) - Director (if you can call him that) Joel M. Reed's "film" (if you can call it that) does everything wrong that it possibly could. It's stupid, pointless and on top of that, patently offensive -- even to me and I'm a huge, huge horror fan. Blood and gore don't bother me either, especially if they are used in the right way. Of course "right way" and this piece of crap parted ways long, long ago.

Don't misunderstand me, It's not that I dislike this film, I hate it. Anyone associated with this movie should never be allowed to work in the business again. Plus, all copies of this piece o' shi-ite should be burned in a massive bonfire -- along with every copy of Paris Hilton's Paris. I know, Mr. Reed made one other film after this one -- the equally useless Night of the Zombies. But since then, thankfully, he has not been heard from again. Good riddance, I say, and please take uber-hack Uwe Boll with you. I think you guys would really hit it off.

More of my list after the jump.

Invaders from Mars (1986) - Oh Tobe Hooper, how far you have fallen. The man who brought us the original, classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre really scraped the scum from the bottom of the tank with this one. Bad writing, bad direction, bad acting and bad everything else adds up to make this film, well, bad.

This film is so bad that it's one of only two that I have ever walked out of while it was still playing. I was so stunned that this film would ever be released, let alone shown in a theater, that I didn't remember to ask for my money back after I walked out. But now, I do remember. You hear that AMC 6 Theaters? I want my four bucks! Sadly, while I might get my money back, the time I wasted trying to watch this horrible film is something I will never get back.

Jaws: The Revenge (1987) - This film was a completely unnecessary sequel that put the final nail in the coffin for the Jaws franchise (at least for now). It was a tough call between this one and Jaws 3-D for the film to represent the Jaws franchise here on the list. But I think Jaws: The Revenge is a little worse and even more pointless than Jaws 3-D so I chose to include it here. But for the record, I think Jaws 3-D is a complete and utter mess so let's count that one on the list too.

Take away all the original Jaws cast, except Lorraine Gary's "Ellen Brody," any semblance of plot or logic, add in Mario Van Peebles doing a ludicrous Jamaican accent and what to you get? This piece of garbage. Even veteran actor (and Batman's recent gentleman's gentlemen) Michael Caine can't save this movie from sinking to the bottom where it belongs. If you've never seen this move, save yourself the agony and go rent the first Jaws to see what all the fuss was about.

Anaconda (1997) -- Even Jennifer Lopez in a wet t-shirt being chased by a giant snake couldn't save this movie from being all wet from start to finish. I really tried to like it, but it's just bad. There are so many examples of plot contrivance and bad acting in this film its hard to focus on just one. However, here are two for you: Jon Voight doing what can only be described as his best Jamaican Captain Crunch imitation and calling it acting and the scene where Eric Stoltz's character, after being in a coma for much of the film, suddenly wakes up just in time to save the day. Then, just as inexplicably, falls back into a coma again. Explain that one to me, will you? I'm sure some of it had to do with the fact that they only had Eric Stoltz for a certain number of days so he ended up being absent from much of the film.

I almost walked out of this film when I saw it in the theater and demanded my money back. But the faint hope of J-Lo suddenly showing some skin kept me sitting there. Sadly, at the end, I left disappointed -- for more reasons than one.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - This film falls into the "why?" category I reserve for most remakes -- especially ones that Michael Bay has anything to do with. This movie takes most of the best elements that made the original so great, wraps them in an attractive package chock full of hot up-and-coming actors like Jessica Biel and Eric Balfour, hands it all to a director with no feature experience -- and the result is a complete and utter mess. Shocking, I know.

I just wish producers would realize that just because a guy can direct a few music videos and some commercials doesn't mean he can direct a feature film. They are completely different things. This film is proof of that.

And my list of the worst horror films of all time would not be complete without this travesty:

Psycho (1998) -- Where do I start with this abomination? I just don't understand the need to remake a classic film like Psycho, which defined a genre by showing us what a horror film should be. Especially a shot-for-shot remake? The fact that this film was even made is one of those things that will confound me for the rest of of my life.

And how did a director with indie cred and talent like Gus Van Sant get conned into making this film? Remember, the movie he directed right before this was Good Will Hunting. Not that Good Will Hunting is the greatest film ever but really, don't you think he could have had his pick of much better projects than this? He is, after all, the director of other great films like Drugstore Cowboy and My Own Private Idaho, so I just don't understand. Please Gus, help me understand.

Maybe some executive at Universal has pictures of him naked with farm animals or something? That's the only thing I can think of that would make him do this film. That or he did it for the money. Well, no matter if he did it to prevent embarrassment, or just for the dough, it still doesn't let him off the hook. All I can say is please Universal: No more raping of the past to try and make a quick buck. Leave that kind of shit to Michael Bay.


Ok, that's my list. What's yours?