Cinematical

The long and storied James Bond franchise contains several unique components that seem to pop up in practically every chapter: The catchy pop tunes, the amazing Bond-babes, the generally-stellar action prologues, the goofy gadgets, etc. And those are all great, I suppose, except when the tunes stink, the babes can't act, the action is blah and the gadgets are silly. Doesn't happen all the time, but I like a little more consistency in my regular Bond-bits -- which is why I chose the topic I did for the inaugural installment of our brand-new Cinematical Seven Marathon, which will run all week up until the release of Casino Royale -- which I hear is actually pretty good. (And considering how much I hate the last few Bond movies, I consider that very good news indeed.)

So join us for for a little sidekick silliness as we go through the Cinematical Seven: The Very Weirdest Bond Henchmen!

Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) in GoldenEye (1995) -- She's smart, she's sexy, she's got a silly accent -- and she's absolutely deadly ... provided, of course, that you happen to be located directly between her killer thighs. And I do mean killer. Ms. Janssen turned her Bond stint into quite the solid career; in addition to the X-Men trilogy, she can also be seen in House on Haunted Hill, Rounders, I Spy and (a personal favorite) Deep Rising.

Diamondface Zao (Rick Yune) in Die Another Day (2002) -- Frankly I can't even remember what this guy did, only that he somehow had a bunch of diamonds wedged into his face. And was mean. Honestly I think Die Another Day is (far and way) the lamest Bond movie ever -- and yes, I've seen The Man with the Golden Gun. Other than in The Fast and the Furious, Mr. Yune can sometimes be seen on Alias and CSI.

Jaws (Richard Kiel) in The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) and Moonraker (1979) -- Two of the campiest Roger Moore outings feature the villainous exploits of the silver-toothed mega-massive henchman known as "Jaws." One of the very few henches to yield a second appearance, Jaws became sort of a cult following among the younger Bond fans. Kiel went on to appear in Cannonball Run 2, Pale Rider, Happy Gilmore and Inspector Gadget.

May Day (Grace Jones) in A View to a Kill (1985) -- With Christopher Walken menacing Roger Moore in his final stint as 007 (and with Tanya Roberts bouncing around the background), you'd expect to find a pretty ferocious henchman hanging around. And yes, Grace Jones makes for one (weirdly) ferocious nemsis to be sure. She's a catch-all henchwoman with a variety of talents (even if acting isn't really one of 'em), but she and Walken make for a wonderfully bizarre pair of troublemakers. Jones followed her Bond gig with Vamp, Siesta and Boomerang, but doesn't seem to work in the movies much these days.

General Orlov (Steven Berkoff) in Octopussy (1983) -- The titular character might be Ms. Maud Adams (making her second Bond appearance), but it's the boys who get to beat extra badly on Bond. In addition to Louis Jourdan's memorably malicious Kamal Kahn, we also get a healthy dose of Mr. Berkoff at his lunatic best, here playing the sort of military man who'd love nothing more than to spark WWIII. Steven Berkoff followed Octopussy with a bunch more action flicks: Beverly Hills Cop, Rambo: First Blood Part 2 and, um, Legionaire. The guy's been in tons of stuff, basically.

Oddjob (Harold Sakata) in Goldfinger (1964) -- If we were doling out awards for Coolest Henchmen, this guy will still place near the top of the list. But he's weird, too, and that's what makes Oddjob so damn extra-cool. First off, he wears a bowler hat that can cut the head off a statue! By throwing it! Secondly, he's exotic, imposing and intimidating -- and he never speaks! Now that's a henchman. Mr. Sakata made his cinematic debut in Goldfinger, and he went on to appear in over 25 other movies and TV series before he passed away in 1982.

Nick Nack (Herve Villechaize) in The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) -- With Christopher Lee as your main villain, Britt Ekland and Maud Adams as your ladies, and the just-getting-comfy Roger Moore at the helm ... you sure wouldn't expect this to be one of the LAMEST Bond flicks ever! And who did they hire to play sidekick to Lee's nefarious Francisco Scaramanga?? Yes, that odd-voiced little Frenchman from Fantasy Island. Duh. To his credit, Nick Nack does try to kill his own boss, so that makes him a little bit cooler, if no less weird. The diminutive Mr. Villechaize enjoyed a career as a novelty celebrity, appearing in films like Forbidden Zone, Airplane 2 and Two Moon Junction before taking his own life in 1993. Ouch. Sorry to end this thing on a downer.

Rest in Peace, Herve!