F***!!!! All I know is that the Oscars better be A LOT more G**d***ed exciting than the Golden Globes ... or I'm gonna do something bad ... like tell you all what kind of debauchery I witnessed last week at 4:00 in the morning while hanging out at a Hollywood recording studio, and just who was doing who and who was snorting too much and who ended up crying ... I better see some exciting shit.

I wanna see innappropriately drunk red carpet disasters, clothes so remarkably made and fitted and put together that they are really costumes for the night's event rather than "dresses and gowns and suits." I wanna see provocative and attention seeking. I wanna be shamed ... I want everyone in the room to be ooooohing and aaahing and hitting each other on the shoulder saying "did you see that?!!!" I wanna feel as if I'm watching a fashion competition ... I want to be talking about what I saw that night on the red carpet the way everybody talked about Janet's nip or Pee Wee's indiscretion.

I was saying this to my friend (designer) Santino Rice and he said "Yeah ... but the problem is that 95% of those people dress themselves and really aren't qualified to. There is a very small percentage of Hollywood that can dress themselves and pull it off ... and the rest should just hire a professional."

And he is right. And it is O.K. Look ... most stylists and designers I know wouldn't trust themselves to take on the lead role in "The Piano Player" (except maybe Santino) so I think Hollywood needs to start hiring help the way racehorse owners hire trainers and jockeys. Or we are all gonna die from boredom and bad choice ... hire someone who is obsessed with fashion. If you are a celebrity and you are going to be on the red carpet for the Oscars ... view yourself as Rocky and go find your Burgess Meredith. And work hard.

If it were me? I'd start most off with a discussion about what I personally don't want to see on anybody. Now I'm not a big fan of "what's hot and what's not" ... but I will say the Golden Globes showed us that white, boring under-accessorised and frumpy are in. NOT TO ME!!! Wear color. Yellow is one of my favorites. And Backless is OUT! I'm sick of it. I think shoulders are sexy, and necks are sexy. And I think necklines and backs can really be played with ... but leave exposing your entire back all the way down to your crack to someone special this season. I don't want to see it. I think it's a cop out.

Also; no matter who you are, it will always help to imagine yourself as Elizabeth Taylor for the moment. That you can pull off the extraordinary feat (as Taylor did) of combining beauty and content. Remember that beauuty is not just about what's on the surface, but rather what it alludes to and conjures and inspires.

Last year at different times it was Beyonce, Kate Hudson, and Michelle Williams for me. There were more, but in this moment they come to mind. Especially Michelle Williams ... because she wore a Vera Wang gown that ended up on some worst dressed list, but for me was a knock out.

This year I say: NO VERSACE. Very little floor length, more Rodarte, more Cosa Nostra, Ginenchy, YSL, and what ever you do ... don't insult us by wearing D&G. And: BRING BACK HATS!!!!! More accessories, more guts, more imagination, and more life! Please for the sake of TV and needing this experience to lift us up just a little ... dress like you give a shit.