Cinematical

I thought about asking my little sister to predict the Oscars this year, for a change. Then I realized that with no Peter Jackson, George Clooney or Johnny Depp involved, she might not have many opinions. If you want a good Oscar experience with my sister, call her up during the ceremony and get her to dish on everyone's hair and outfits. But my little brother Stephen (who is 24 and taller than me, so I ought not to call him "little" anymore) is a true film geek. He lives in the New Orleans area, and it was difficult to track him down during this week's Mardi Gras festivities, but he couldn't wait to share his Oscar thoughts. Last year, my fanboy brother's Academy Award predictions weren't all that accurate, but you'd be hard pressed to find any more entertaining -- who else would lament the omission of Rachel McAdams and Mickey Rourke from the nominations?

I'm also tempted to remind him of his summer prediction that Invincible would suck, considering that he now owns the DVD and admits to having just watched the movie again. I'm pretty sure he revised his optimistic opinion on Superman Returns, too, as you might notice in the following list. As with last year's predictions, Stephen not only picked winners from the official nominations, but offered his opinions on what the real winners should have been. Some of his preferences seem to match my own Top Ten 2006 Films list, but I assure you I didn't influence him and was surprised to learn that we agreed on the best film of the year. The comments in brackets are mine; everything else is from my brother.

Best Actor

• Nominated performances: Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness. "That Oscar needs to go to Will Smith. He was just so good in that movie. For a long time, I had a hard time watching him without thinking of 'Fresh Prince' or Men in Black, but this movie drove those completely from my mind."
• All performances: Guy Pearce, Factory Girl. "I thought he was Andy Warhol, and I feel like I know everything about Warhol now. I didn't even realize Pearce could do something like this -- I mean, remember The Time Machine? If we're going to nominate other actors for biopic roles, like Joaquin Phoenix [Walk the Line] and Philip Seymour Hoffman [Capote], we shouldn't forget this performance."

Best Actress

• Nominated performances: Penelope Cruz, Volver. "I didn't see The Queen because I don't see movies when I fell asleep during their previews. What the hell happened to Stephen Frears? And how many times have I seen Meryl Streep do that role before from The Devil Wears Prada? If I want to see a devil in a movie I'll see Tim Curry or Gabriel Byrne. And Judi Dench ... where can I start? She could be in the fifth Meatballs movie and they'd give her a nomination. She could be in an Ed Wood film. [Omitted long argument about Casino Royale and Dench's performance as M.] I can't pick a winner out of this! Penelope Cruz wins by default even though I haven't seen Volver. I feel like I'm shopping for chimney utensils here."
• All performances: "Scarlett Johansson in The Prestige. No. Wait. Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. She did everything you need in that film to win an Oscar -- she goes to jail, she has her head shaved [omitted my lame Britney Spears joke], she didn't get too corny or emotional and she starts a revolution. Because of her, it was a better movie. But wait. I also like that girl in Pan's Labyrinth. Damn it, dude. Two of the strongest characters this year were the girl from Pan's Labyrinth [Ivana Baquero] and the girl from Little Miss Sunshine [Abigail Breslin]."

Adapted Screenplay: "Children of Men. A lot of those characters could have been corny, but weren't. And I liked the lack of dialogue, the screenplay let the direction take control and that worked for me."

Original Screenplay: "Pan's Labyrinth -- hell yes, dude. I love it so much, if it's up for any award, it should win."

Documentary: [Stephen makes yawning and snoring noises.] "The Al Gore one [An Inconvenient Truth] was okay. Al Gore's had some rough times, I think an Oscar might cheer him up."

Best Director

• Nominated films: Martin Scorsese, The Departed. "It's Scorsese's yaer, and when he wins, he better thank two people: Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg, because they pushed this movie over the top to make it as good as it is."
• All films: Guillermo del Toro, Pan's Labyrinth. "I hate that they're giving this 'it's a foreign film' excuse not to nominate Pan's Labyrinth for Best Director or Picture. Where was that when they nominated that Crunching Onion Ring, Hidden Smoothie movie, or whatever it was called? [I believe he meant Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which was nominated for Best Director and Best Picture in 2001.] And why isn't Children of Men on this nomination list?"

Best Picture

• Nominated films: Little Miss Sunshine. "I really enjoyed that movie, and I had friends whom I never thought would enjoy it that did. The performances were all good -- Alan Arkin is God -- and I think it was one of the best-made movies of the year. The ending was better than the ending of The Departed, too."
• All films: Pan's Labyrinth. "Do you even have to ask? It's unique -- like nothing I've ever seen before -- and also entertaining. Everything else, I'd seen something similar before. When I think of 2006, I think of Pan's Labyrinth. And Dustin Hoffman in Perfume."

That should have been it for Stephen's predictions, but I can't resist telling you that he feels the Best Supporting Actor nominations were all wrong, and should have included Ben Affleck for Hollywoodland, Alec Baldwin for The Departed, Dustin Hoffman either for Perfume or Stranger than Fiction, and Henry Winkler for Click. "And we can keep Alan Arkin -- but wait, Michael Caine in Children of Men!" His praise of Winkler's performance needs to be heard first-hand; a transcription does not do it justice.

He also noted that while the winning nominee for Best Supporting Actress should be Abigail Breslin for Little Miss Sunshine, he thinks it should have gone to Parker Posey for Superman Returns. "It's an awful, awful movie, but Parker Posey! She has the best line in the film." Someday, I'd love to see an awards show that picked the same kinds of movies and performances that Stephen does. It would probably be hosted by Kevin Smith, or Trey Parker and Matt Stone (or maybe Parker Posey and Henry Winkler), and it would certainly be the most entertaining movie awards show ever.