Oscar Liveblogging: And the Backpatting Begins ....

Welcome to Cinematical's official liveblogging of the 79th Annual Academy Awards (which is currently being aired live on ABC)! Erik will be your host for the first hour; Monika will bat second and Kim will clean things up. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will get stuck in the bathroom? Let's find out ...

Yes! The dance troupe returns ... for some more rolling shadow-dancing. Okay, that's it for me. Enjoy the rest of the night; Monika is next up to bat. Go Sunshine!

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin. I'm sorry, but Rachel Weisz looks stunning. Damn you Darren! Damn you! She's nervous, but who cares? She's dazzling. Alan Arkin wins! Do push-ups! Do push-ups! And the Academy gets one right. I love it -- he reads his speech like he's toasting a couple at a wedding. Mazel Tov, Alan. You deserve this one.

Best Sound Mixing: Dreamgirls. Jessica Biel and James McAvoy (in his sexy Scottish accent) present the award. Oh, just throw a pint at someone in the audience already! And Dreamgirls (nominated for 8 awards tonight) takes home their first. Thanks Bill Condon! You didn't get nominated for best picture, but it's okay -- your movie made me want to dance. And dance hard!

Best Sound Editing: Letters from Iwo Jima. Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear show up ... and Steve makes a silly sexually-related sound editing joke. (Wasn't it better when they mixed these awards in somewhere in the middle?) Will this be the only award for Letters? Is this Clint's token award? This guy reads his speech like a fourth-grade book report. It's okay dude, the kids won't laugh at you. (I will, though.)

A salute to sound and cinema? Man, I'm getting the shaft in this first hour. Everyone is whistling. Thank God I'm not sober; this is actually pretty entertaining for some reason.

Best Live Action Short: West Bank Story. And the kids get to stay on for one more; Christopher Jada Mohammed Scorsese Smith makes a short joke. Classic! West Bank Story wins. I love these little voice-overs while the nominees walk up to snatch their award. I think this dude jumped out of a helicopter while he was filming, and blew something up. That's what I heard, at least ...

Best Animated Short: The Danish Poet. Oohh, the kids get to do one. How cute? Abigail Breslin and Christopher Will Smith Jada Pinkett Something or Other look adorable on stage together. Where will they be (and who will they be doing) ten years from now? That's what Ryan Seacrest wants to know. The Danish Poet wins. And all I want is for Christopher Jayden Pinkett Wahlberg to drop-kick someone.

Best Achievement in Make-Up: Pan's Labyrinth. After the greatest awards intro ever, Pan's Labyrinth takes home its second award of the night. Take that Click! We're definitely off to a good start -- get these snore awards out of the way, and let the good stuff take over.

Ha, I love the afro Will Ferrell is sporting! He's singing a song about how the Oscars screw comedies each and every year. Jack Black pops up; this could be good. "Leo, do you think you can date supermodels and win awards?" Best. Line. Ever. See, now why couldn't they just have these two guys host? John C. Reilly cuts in! Man, screw the awards -- I want these guys to sing all night. "I'm going to lose 40 pounds to play Ralph Nader." This is (and will be) the best part of the night.

Maggie G. looks good! And yet they give her the throwaway scientific awards category. Man, the Oscars kicked things off in a lame way this year, huh? Where's the juice? Where's the spark? And what's up with the rolling shadow-dancing?

Best Art Direction: Pan's Labyrinth. Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman look absolutely fabulous -- they really need to hook up. Man, Craig looks so good, you just want him to jump off stage and knife someone, right? Pan's Labyrinth wins! Let's hope this isn't the film's one and only award. (And how come Best Supporting Actress isn't the first award given out? I'm lost?)

What is this weird opening montage -- is it me, or do you feel like this is an Apple commercial? I'm waiting for Justin Long to drip down the screen in all of his wise-cracking glory. Peter O'Toole looked half dead, but stylish with that scarf. Vincent Price, anyone? And ... this thing is not going to end. Amusing. I want an iPod now. And so it begins ...

Ellen is in all purple (violet?). Seems a bit nervous. I want her to tap dance -- did you check out those clogs? She opens with something about dreaming; she's dreaming, we're dreaming ... I don't know. It's an international night! When do her jokes become funny, and is that a laugh track I hear? She's playing it so safe right now -- give us something Ellen, anything! She's settling down now; the Abigail Breslin bit was cute, same goes for Peter O'Toole. Ha, the American Idol non-vote for Jennifer Hudson versus America actually voting for Al Gore was a nice zinger. She says Leo is hot; he'll probably sue her for not taking him serious. C'mon, Leo is serious now! Get with it! Oh no, they're playing the gospel card. Anyway they can throw clips of Jesus Camp up on a screen in the background? And here's the first award ...