Cinematical Seven: Tips For Spielberg and Lucas As They Embark On 'Indy 4'

Next summer, we will all be getting notices informing us that we are required to 'keep up with the Joneses' once more. It's a task I'm more than a little ambivalent about undertaking. Pretty much every fiber of my being tells me that this fourth outing is a superfluous experiment in age-defying boomerism, and doesn't have the interest of fans at heart. Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg think they can do everything they did twenty years ago, and if they are proven wrong, it won't be any skin off their backs. They'll only have dumped yet another mediocre product onto the fans, as they've done over and over recently. If I was the mayor of show business, I would simply order this whole production shut down until further notice -- and this is coming from someone who, as an 11-year old, actually snuck a real whip into the theater to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

No, there's nothing I can do to stop 'Indy 4' from happening, but there's one thing I can do-- type up a bunch of suggestions that no one even tangentially related to the production will ever possibly read. Following these suggestions would at least help the creative team avoid some of their most probable errors -- the ones that we can all see coming from a mile away. So without further ado, here are some things that Spielberg and Lucas should keep in mind as they set out to tinker with my childhood, and none of them have anything to do with Shia LaBeouf, by the way. I have no idea what he's supposed to be doing in the film, but I'm willing to give him a chance. Okay, onto the list.

1. Go through David Koepp's script right now and cut out the age jokes. You know the ones I'm talking about. The one at the very beginning, where we see the 50s' bobby soxers sitting at their desks with legs crossed, looking dreamy-eyed toward the chalk-board -- then we see it's some young, non-Indy professor they're eyeballing, and we cut to Ol' Man Jones back in his office going through old scrolls or something. Cut that joke out. Also, go to page 42 and cut out the line where Indy says "It's not the mileage, honey, it's the years." No, I haven't laid eyes on any 'Indy 4' script, but you and I both know those jokes are in there -- how could they not be? Age is such an obvious issue/potential problem this time around that I don't have faith that it can be handled well, so let's just avoid it completely. Don't take Indiana's self-deprecating humor too far -- it works best in small doses. Don't lean on that crutch.

2. Don't hire Gong Li, like you might be thinking about, unless you're really going to use her well. You really hit a homerun with Cate Blanchett -- that was an unexpected piece of good casting (yeah, I know, if it's really happening) and re-invigorated my interest in the project. With the right script, Cate could really give the kind of '40s dame' performance she was supposed to give in The Good German, but didn't. She could be believable as a fellow archaeologist, a dead-ending Nazi, a true-believer Commie, or even a Jones. But Gong Li? I don't know why, but I just have a bad feeling about that one. With movies like X2, there seems to be a trend forming where Asian beauties are given the part of tag-along evil-doers who do a little seducing before they get thrown down into the pit or whatever. Unless Gong is playing Gong Round, or Lao Che's revenge-seeking daughter, or a new and substantial character, I'd probably rather not see her in this film, because I just have a feeling she'd be given a throwaway role.

3. Don't bend over backwards to get Sean Connery back. Anyone who reads Cinematical must know that I'm a big James Bond fan, and I dig Connery's interpretation of Bond more than any of the others. I have a soft spot for all things Connery, even his 'I-lost-$10 trillion-turning-down-Gandalf-and-I'm-officially-retired-because-my-recent-movies-stink-and-it's-allright-to-give-a-woman-a-slap-now-and-then' personality. All that said, you and I both know that Last Crusade was the least of the trilogy -- er, quadriology -- and Connery's role, while fun, doesn't need to be rehashed. Let's just remember the good times with Henry Jones Sr. and accept that sometime after they rode out of that pass, he fell off his horse and died. If he does come back, it should only be a limited bone to throw to the fans, and not a big sidecar role. Ditto for Sallah, Short Round, Australian Climber, Panama Hat or anyone else. In fact, ditto for anyone except Marion Ravenwood, who I'd like to see have a major role.

4. Call back Frank Darabont, or some other good writer, and have them do an extensive re-write on David Koepp's script. Again, no, I haven't seen the script, but I've simply never seen a film written by Koepp where afterwards I thought "Wow, how about that dialogue?" "Catch those unexpected plot twists?" "How did he pull out that ending?" I've never had anything close to those thoughts. I nearly fell asleep in my seat during the crashing bore known as Spider-Man 2 [the 2 was a typo -- meant to say 1, obviously]. Are you nostalgic for Jurassic Park's script? Me neither. I don't even think there was dialogue during War of the Worlds. Let's get pro-active on this one and assume that the script is flat, predictably paint-by-numbers and at best, a gentleman's C+, and have someone save it now, before it's too late. How about William Monahan? Christopher McQuarrie? Shane Black? David Mamet? There are plenty of good people out there who know how to sharpen up genre like a Ka-Bar and I would hate to think they'd be kept out of the process because of unfounded pride.

5. This one is too late for them to do anything about, since production is about to begin, but try not to cannibalize popular mythology. I don't give a shit about Noah's Ark, and I can't think of anything more ridiculous than Indiana Jones looking for it. Ditto for Atlantis, the Fountain of Youth, the Garden of Eden, Jesus' hankerchief or any other legend that involves a known quantity. I liked the fact that, at the beginning of Raiders, Indy and his adversaries were after a tiny golden statue that the rest of the world probably wouldn't pick up if they saw it sitting on the street. And in Temple of Doom -- my personal favorite of the three -- he was honest-to-god trying to find potato-shaped rocks. The only information we have about the 'Indy 4' MacGuffin is Lucas's statements from August 2006, when he told Empire Magazine that it was potentially "offensive" and originally too "connected" for Spielberg, which makes me think it might have something to do with the Holocaust.

6. Wrap it up this time, no fooling. That could mean Indy dying, which could work, or him simply besting one last villain and then signaling to the audience that he's hanging up his fedora. This shouldn't be difficult. There's thankfully no chance of the series pulling a "Data" -- i.e., Star Trek: Nemesis wasted an entire subplot on introducing a new Data so that they could kill Data, consequence-free -- but I can still see an attempt at finality going off in some bad directions. Lucas has made rumblings in the past about wanting to include a significant 'Young Indy' component in the fourth film, presumably so that the series can continue without Harrison Ford. That's all well and good, but save it all up for the next film, and let it rise or fall on its own merit -- don't make me watch a 30-minute commercial for Young Indy before the real action gets going here. Unless Lucas has somehow invented next-generation, all-purpose, photo-realism CGI and he can convincingly bring back River Phoenix for another Young Indy prologue, just skip the Young Indy stuff. By the way, that's how long ago Last Crusade was, people -- River Phoenix was the young up-and-comer.

7. Speaking of CGI, let's limit it substantially or ban it from the production all-together. Yes, CGI is just like any other tool in the filmmaker's toolbox, open to either creative use or misuse, but George Lucas is a misuser. An abuser. When I first heard that unsourced British tabloid rumor about him wanting to use CGI for Indy's whip this time around, I knew immediately that it was true. It stunk of Lucas. I'm appealing to Spielberg personally here -- trust that little voice in your head that tells you 'Indy 4' shouldn't be a CGI extravaganza. Limit yourself to the tools that were available in say, 1989, and stick to those. Call it tying one hand behind your back if you want -- a creative challenge. In Temple of Doom, you dropped Indy out of a plane and into roaring rapids, all without the use of CGI. If you could do that then, you don't need CGI now. Indy is an analog kind of guy, and there's something terribly disheartening about imagining him doing his thing in front of a greenscreen.