Sci-Fi Silliness: Ice Spiders!
Filed under: Horror, Sci-Fi & Fantasy, Home Entertainment
Every single time I see the ads for a new Sci-Fi Channel World Premiere Movie, I'm compelled to chuckle. Not because I dislike the network (quite the opposite, actually) but because in an effort to fill their prime-time weekend airwaves with SOMETHING that's not a rerun, the network often bankrolls / broadcasts a horror movie so silly, so stupid, so amazingly retarded that it simply demands some attention. To illustrate my point, here is a list of "Sci-Fi Originals" from the past several years. (Cinematical.com is not responsible for nasal milk-spewage should you choose to drink milk while reading the following list.) Ready?
Alien Apocalypse, Alien Blood, Alien Express, Alien Hunter, Alien Lockdown, Android Apocalypse, Anonymous Rex, Attack of the Sabretooth, Basilisk: The Serpent King, Boa vs. Python, Cerberus, Chupacabra Terror, Crocodile, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp, Dragon Dynasty, Dragon Fighter, Dragon Storm, Dungeons & Dragons 2, Fire Serpent, Frankenfish, Gargoyles: Wings of Darkness, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy, House of the Dead 2, Kaw, Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep, Lake Placid 2, Larva, Locusts: The 8th Plague, Mammoth, Man with the Screaming Brain, Man-Thing, Mansquito, Manticore, Minotaur, Octopus, Octopus 2: River of Fear, Pterodactyl, Pumpkinhead 3: Ashes to Ashes, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Python, Python 2, Raging Sharks, Raptor Island, Raptor Island 2: Raptor Planet, Reign of the Gargoyles, Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave, S.S. Doomtrooper, Sabretooth, Sasquatch, Sasquatch Hunters, Sasquatch Mountain, Savage Planet, Shapeshifter, Shark Attack, Shark Attack 2, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Shark Zone, Skeleton Man, Snakehead Terror, Snakeman, Species 3, Spiders, Spider 2: Breeding Ground, Voodoo Moon, and of course the classic Webs. And if you've seen every single of one these movies, you are officially a freak. Congrats.
I think I've figured out the formula: By churning out so many movies in such a short period of time, the Sci-Fi guys are pretty much guaranteeing that they'll get subpar product. But hey, any movie geek who's sitting at home on a Saturday night watching the Sci-Fi Channel is probably not the most discerning viewer out there. (And I speak from personal experience.) So now every time I catch wind of a new Sci-Fi Channel Original Cheese-fest, I'll be sure to share the news with my fellow genre nerds. Case in point: ICE SPIDERS!!
Premiering on June 9, the awesomely-titled Ice Spiders will star B-movie regulars Patrick Muldoon, Vanessa Williams and Thomas Calabro (oooh, that Michael!) as they do battle with um, giant frozen spiders? Not sure exactly. Aha, this phenomenal trailer just filled in the blanks: Genetically-altered mega-spiders take residence in a ski lodge, and that's where they opt to snack on our lead actors, a bunch of Olympic skiers, and formerly reputable TV producer Stephen J. Cannell. (Don't ask.) Old-school horror nerds may be pleased to learn that the director is Tibor Takacs ... yes, the guy who helmed The Gate, I, Madman, Mansquito and ... Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep!! (I just love that title.)
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
5-17-2007 @ 7:24PM
Rich said...
*hangs head in shame*
I've seen most of them. I love crappy horror/sci-fi movies. I usually wait until they do their little marathons and watch them. Yes they are bad, yes the acting is usually pretty awful. Are they fun to watch? Damn right.
My gf gives me grief about the movies and calls me a dork or a freak. I just laugh and let her watch her soaps. :D
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5-18-2007 @ 12:11AM
Shsy said...
I have to admit SciFi has some pretty cheesy movies, but they will always be in my heart for keeping StarGate alive after HBO cancelled them. As well as introducing me to Atlantis, Painkiller Jane, and Eureka. However, I would love to see more of the old Twightlight Zone shows.
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5-18-2007 @ 5:50AM
Peter said...
So, does having seen roughly half of those count as some kind of Purple Heart?
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5-18-2007 @ 5:52AM
Peter said...
Oh, and something really needs to be said for whatever team is responsible for creating the TV spots for these suckers. Those people can make anything look or sound infinitely better than it is.
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5-18-2007 @ 4:50PM
Mike Ensley said...
Sci Fi Original Movies: The mark of quality... At least they keep Bruce Campbell employed between his quality screen appearances...
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5-19-2007 @ 12:07AM
Ray said...
If having seen half of those qualifies for a cinematic Purple Heart, I deserve some kind of Medal of Honor. I've seen almost every one on that list, too. Those films are a most delicious cheese.
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5-31-2007 @ 11:18PM
Jason said...
Shsy,
Showtime aired and then cancelled "Stargate SG-1" before SCI FI picked it up, not HBO.
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6-04-2007 @ 4:42PM
xtrarant said...
So was "Dracula 3000" not a Sci-Fi original? That's one of my all-time favorite cheesy movies that they have ever played.
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