Cinematical Indie Seven : Freaks and Geeks -- Why Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow are Superhot

Who's your Secret Movie Star boyfriend? For a while, John Cusack held that lofty position on my personal lust chart (and probably yours, too) thanks to his role as Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything. Then in 1992, A River Runs Through It came out, and Brad Pitt leapfrogged over Cusack -- what can I say? I'm just a sucker for a man who knows how to fly fish (or at least, a man who can look that good while acting like he knows how to fly fish). So Cusack faded out for awhile and Pitt was on top (so to speak), until Cusack, out of nowhere, knocked Pitt aside and made it back into the top position with High Fidelity in 2000.

But alas, Brad and John, I'm afraid that over the past couple years, you've both been supplanted by two men who have that special something -- the sexy geek factor. Brad and John have had to move down the chart a couple notches to make way for Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow (who, not coincidentally, wrote and produced the latest Geeks-as-Good-Guys flick Superbad, which opens next weekend). Most of the women I know (and a lot of our female readers) instantaneously grok the sex appeal of guys like Apatow and Rogen, but I know more than a few good-looking men who still just don't get it, who honestly find it unbelievable that guys like that would ever get sex at all, much less with an attractive woman.

So for you guys who still don't get why women like me find guys like Rogen and Apatow hotter than an Oklahoma sidewalk in August, here's your tutorial. Read it well, then go watch some old episodes of Freaks and Geeks, follow that up with 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up, and then, for added fun, top it off by taking a date to see Superbad next weekend. Trust me -- take a woman to see any film in which Rogen and Apatow have had a hand, and your sex-appeal factor will go up accordingly. And don't forget to wear your polo shirt buttoned all the way up, pick your date up on your bike instead of your sports car -- and get your nipples waxed.
1) Don't Dress to Impress -- Apatow, who's made a living off of geeklust, knows that it's all about substance over style, not the other way around. You don't need to dress in spendy designer duds to impress us; we actually find it kind of charming when you press your blue jeans, or wear your sneakers with your polyester dress pants. Sometimes (though we won't admit it to your face) we even like it when you wear white athletic socks with black pants. Just don't wear black socks with your Birkenstocks -- that's going a bit too far across the geek line into "weird hippy whose apartment probably smells of patchouli" territory.

2) Know When to Just Say No -- Although the occasional night out with the boys to drink can be fun (see: the bar scene in 40-Year-Old Virgin), we don't really like playahs, or guys who get drunk every weekend. We might, like Katherine Heigl's Alison, end up having sex with a dorky guy if we've had too much to drink, but unless you really are Seth Rogen, there's no guarantee that's gonna have a happy ending. We might find you smoking pot amusing on occasion (check out this great EW interview where Apatow talks about wishing Showtime would pick up Freaks and Geeks, so they could have actually shown his band of losers toking it up), we really don't like serial partiers. That's so frat boy.

3) Nerds Try Harder -- When Robert Carradine's Louis finally scores with pretty cheerleader Betty at the end of Revenge of the Nerds, she's surprised at his sexual prowess -- but Louis isn't, because he knows the truth -- nerds try harder, because they've spent so much time fantasizing about what other people think they'll never have. The woman who looks past the dorky glasses and bad fashion sense might just find herself swept off her feet -- literally. Pretty boys think they don't have to try -- we should just be thrilled to even be with them, right? -- and so they bore us to tears. Yawn.

4) Self-Deprecation is Sexy -- Seth Rogen has mastered the delicate art of being wryly self-deprecating without wallowing in misery or self-pity. An awareness of your flaws and an acknowledgment that you know you're not perfect indicates to many women that you have achieved a certain level of introspection and self-awareness that we find very attractive in a man. There's a fine balance there, though -- don't carry on TOO much about your flaws, or you'll sound like you're just insecure and in need of constant reassurance. Nobody likes a whiner.

5) Still Waters Run Deep -- You don't always have to be the loudest, funniest guy in the room to get our attention. Steve Carell's Andy Spitzer was so appealing in part because he contrasted so nicely against loud, raucous Cal and ladies' man Jay. We don't really care if one of your of your most prized possessions is an action figure of the Six Million Dollar Man's boss, or if your karaoke version of "Word Up" sounds like monkeys being tortured, but it does annoy the heck out of us when we're on a date and you're talking so loudly that everyone in the restaurant is giving us the stink eye before the entree arrives. Guys who don't always have to have the last or loudest word are a turn-on, in spite of their geekier quirks.

6) An Ounce of Humor is Worth a Pound of Brawn -- Rogen is, simply put, very funny. His comic timing and delivery are impeccable (Jon Stewart has that magic as well; he's also on my lust list even though at 5'8" he's shorter than me, and I normally go for taller guys). Steve Carell has that comedic magic touch as well, which is why the scenes between Carrel and Rogen are some of the funniest in 40 Year Old Virgin. Who but Rogen could make a scene where he talks about a woman having sex with a horse so funny -- and who but Carell could play the perfect straight man against that with such earnest seriousness? We like guys who make us laugh, and who know how to laugh at themselves.

7) The Nice Guy Factor -- Watch a lot of movies, or even a lot of music videos, and you might get the mistaken idea that most women like arrogant guys who treat us like chattel. The scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Andy goes off on Jay's girlfriend ("You better put your ho on a leash!") is hilarious because it's so not Andy. Women like nice guys, and Apatow and Rogen get that. We just knew, didn't we, that even after Andy Spitzer lost his virginity, he'd still be a nice guy, that he wouldn't morph into some swaggering sex pirate marking notches on his belt. And we knew that Seth Rogen's Ben would pull it together by the end of Knocked Up, even if it might take him a while to get there.

So there you have it, guys -- your personal tutorial to turning loose your own inner geek sex god. Let Apatow and Rogen be your guides to enhancing your geekiness and you, like Rogen, may just find yourself getting lucky with Katherine Heigl -- or at least, someone who looks like Heigl. Bring on the freaks and geeks!