Cinematical Seven: The Big Jerks of High School Movies

When walking home after a late dinner and movie on Tuesday night, I couldn't believe how many people were out at the bars and milling on the street. I scoured my brain to make sure my inner calendar was right, that it didn't somehow become Friday without my noticing, and then I realized: it's just about time to go back to school, and college kids are swarming the neighborhood bars before the crush of work descends. While the older kids party, the younger ones are buying up their school supplies, spending mass amounts on this year's wardrobe and preparing to slide into their clique-run paradise next month.

Scott recently covered teen sex comedies that DON'T suck, and that included some of the quintessential high school flicks, so I thought I would go a different route. While teen movies usually cover the angst and trauma of school pretty well, there is one thing they all have, no matter what the genre -- the jerky, fiendish villain. What follows are my picks for the biggest jerks in high school fare. We can't help but loathe them, but they also provide great incentive for our heroes.

Darla Marks -- Dazed and Confused (1993)

Oh that's it, Miss Hot Stuff. I'm gonna make the next year of your life a living hell... Lick me! All of you!

Most girls -- they'll get snotty or catty, but Darla -- well, she brings it to an all new level. Granted, she has a sadistic high school ritual to back her up, but either way, she loves her chance to be bitchy. She gets a great gleam in her eye as she torments the incoming freshman girls, commanding them to fling to themselves to the ground. Darla derives power from the fact that a whole group of young girls are succumbing to her whims, which puts that wonderfully sinister smile on her face.

Hardy Jenns -- Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

I'd recommend you keep your eyes and your mind off my property. Here's 10 for the gas, 10 for the look.

I happen to love Craig Sheffer, but there is no way that Jenns could be left off a list of quintessential high school jerks. (Could you imagine if he was played by Kyle MacLachlan?) He's a spoiled rich boy who does what he wants and treats his girlfriend, Amanda Jones, like crap. During the course of the film, she gets called everything from 'insecure' and 'property' to 'used' and 'trash' -- all gearing up for that divinely wonderful face slap. Keith could defend her honor to kingdom come, but Amanda needed to lay down the law, and smack the jerk.

Kurt Kelly & Ram Sweeney -- Heathers (1989)

Holy Mary who art in Heaven, pray for us sinners ... so we don't get caught.

JD said it best -- Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer Westerberg High but date rape and AIDS jokes. Since neither would function well on their own, they get their own special spot together -- since they, you know, killed each other in a repressed homosexual suicide pact. Okay, they didn't -- but in the short time they lived in the world of Heathers, they tried to bully JD, succeeded in bullying some nerds, Ram date-raped a Heather and both spread lies about Ms. Sawyer. They should have known better than to mess with a Veronica.

Regina George -- Mean Girls (2004)

Do you know what people say about you? They say you are home-schooled jungle freak who's a less-hot version of me. So don't try to act all innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hair little a..

Regina George is so bitchy that she even calls her friends names like loser and whore (and at least partially means it). But this is about the ultimate jerkiness, and Regina is guilty of much, much worse than idle name-calling. As her ex-friend, Janis says: "she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives." Regina makes burn books, insults everyone and imagines that the entire world is her playroom. Actually, she'd probably be a pretty good match for Hardy Jenns, even though she's no longer half a virgin.

Biff Tannen -- Back to the Future (1985)

Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly.

Biff is the one jerk and bully whose torment transcends both years and generations. Until Marty starts messing with history, Biff made himself the life-long bully-turned-boss of George McFly, basically treating him like a slave and knocking the poor guy's head enough to give him a concussion. However, before things went back to the future, Marty turned the past on its ear, leading George to finally stand up to Biff. Tannen wreaks havoc again later, but for a time, he knew to keep his damn hands off Marty's mom.

Tracy Flick -- Election (1999)

Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with you and ask for things, but now, I really must insist that you help me win the election tomorrow because I deserve it and Paul Metzler doesn't, as you well know.

She's the keener you can't help but hate -- not just because she knows the answer to every question, and likes to lead with an iron fist. She'll also do anything to get ahead -- including sabotaging her own election posters in a desperate attempt to gain some footing in the student council race. Oh, and we can't forget her affair with Mr. Novotny, which left him in ruins. Reese Witherspoon plays the perfect smart girl that you could like, if she wasn't so un-fun, obsessed and jerky.

Steff -- Pretty in Pink (1986)

Money really means nothing to me. Do you think I'd treat my parents' house this way if it did?

And John Hughes trumps with two spots -- this list would also be incomplete without James Spader -- his early career was all about being the guy to loathe. The man just knows how to ooze creep, and it made for one jerky teen foe in John Hughes' classic. His suit-clad presence puts pressure on Blane to break things off from the wrong-side-of-the-tracks Andie -- because she rejected Steff when he tried before. He might seem older and too skeezy, but neither matters in the world of jerks.