Strike Update: Return of the Assistants

by Erik Davis Nov 10th 2007 // 5:02PM

Filed under: Celebrities and Controversy, Politics

Yesterday someone emailed me a letter that was -- their words -- "going around email chains throughout Los Angeles." This person claimed they did not know who wrote it, and asked if I knew. I did not. But I thought I'd post it here because it's pretty funny and the Hollywood assistants deserve to have their say too. That's right, this letter is from an assistant to a writer, and for those out there who know little about the process, this letter should give you a better understanding of how absolutely sh*tty it must be to work as an assistant sometimes. God bless the folks who can pull it off -- this one is for you ...

(Note: This letter is exactly the same as I received it, except I prettied up the curse words. The grammar errors were left to show how much the assistant really does need the writer.)

"Dear Writer on Strike:

Hi, it's me Assistant. The faceless voice you used to speak to every week. I'm pretty sure you don't have my name down, but that's ok, I know It's my Evil Studio Executive boss's name that is important. Anyway, I saw you this morning in your red shirt outside my office and it got me thinking about the times we shared together. I mean, even though we have never had a real face to face conversation, you have had a pretty big impact on my career and now, on my life.

I remember the first time I heard your voice, it was your answering machine, but still, it was the voice of a person I professionally admired. I left a message & I remember thinking my favorite writer has my voice on their home machine. When you did call back, I connected you to my boss and I listened on mute as I hung on your every word.
Remember when Evil Studio Executive said "Assistant send writer the script" and I replied "Of course" like a voice from the heavens?

Remember how you jumped a little and said you were spooked? You thought you were on that call alone....that was a funny moment wasn't it writer? I'm on all the calls you have with Evil Studio Executive. I take notes, write down dates & numbers and make sure that anything Evil Studio Executive offers to you, you get without him having to ask me. I
remember calling you back to get your address so I could send that script to you. At the end of the call you said, "thank you Kassistant." I didn't have the courage to tell you my name is actually "Assistant", but I didn't mind, I was talking to one of the people who inspired me to be where I am today. So I printed the script, and I bound the script and I drafted a cover letter. I remember bringing the letter to Evil Studio Executive to sign and he called me a "stupid f*ck tart" because I forgot to CC your agent. It hurt my ego a little but it was ok, this is what I put up with in order to work with creative genius like you. I called the courier and pulled up the writers list and changed your status from
"interested" to "reading."

From then on, you became a bigger part of my working day. Soon I was coordinating meetings with you and the Evil Executive and even some Greedy Producers. I walked you from lobbies, to conference rooms and offices. I brought you water and I brought you coffee.

I ordered your lunch when you had to meet here anytime between the hours of 12:30-2:00pm. I would call and apologize when we had to cancel meeting last minute.

Remember how frustrated I would get when you didn't have a drive-on at the studio gate, after I swore I called it in twice? That was so funny.

Next thing you knew, I threw away the writer list I updated five times a day as you had been the chosen one to work on our project. Boy was I excited. I remember eagerly awaiting your first draft because I wanted to see what you applied. At least 50 hours of my time on the phone was spent discussing some aspect of you. I would listen in on conference
calls with you pitching ideas and the evil executive saying it wouldn't work. I was even on calls you weren't a part of (that's right, we know you slipped a copy to greedy producers...). I even more fondly remember your agent asking me where your " f*cking commencement check" was after I had referred his assistant to business affairs for the third time. I mean, really writer, doesn't he know that I don't cut the check myself... silly agent. I won't accumulate that amount of money for at least two years.

Anyway, I remember when the 1st draft of your script was delivered. It was around 9:30pm on a Friday night. As soon as it hit my inbox, I printed 7 copies (For Evil executives, greedy producers, your agent, your manager, and some extras for you because you don't have that much toner & paper at home). I bound the copies, stuffed them in envelopes, printed out the fancy labels. I personally drove them to everyone's houses because courier costs are more expensive after hours... I don't think I ever told you this, but I was a little bummed that I had to miss a birthday dinner that night. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, that was a sacrifice I was willing to make in order to be a
proactive member of the studio system. I never did get reimbursed for gas as I don't have an expense account.

Anyway, after that bundle of paper arrived the cycle continued. I arranged meetings, conference call ports, sent your script to other agents for talent to read...soon we were on to draft 2.

Only, there is no 2nd draft.

I'm really bummed about that. I was really looking forward to seeing if any of the notes I had given to Evil Studio Executive would be poached and passed off as his own and implemented into your script. (It's fine writer, I don't mind, as long as I know in my heart who was responsible, it doesn't matter who gets the credit). The thing is, I now have a lot more free time to try to read your script. Due to your strike, all my overtime has been eliminated. This basically translates into about a 50% pay cut. I did the numbers, I will be taking home about $400 a week- I
may have to quit or try to find a second job. I guess it's not so bad writer, my friend who just graduated, who works in the story department for $13 an hour, she actually got fired. And I have another friend, who is a reader (I think he did coverage on your script), well, he was also given the axe. It sucks, but, we know how it goes. We are the little guys, the ones at the bottom of the totem pole who suffer. I guess I should be happy that the evil executive is ok right?

Well writer we may not get to speak again so I just wanted to thank you for inspiring me to go to film school, & inspiring me to aggressively fight for a minumim wage assistant job, and inspiring me to put up with demoralizing and abusive people. I really did it all because working with creative and smart people like you, was the real payment - not the crappy paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for my decision to be an assistant, I just think it's ironic that the writer who inspired me to be proactive in the business is turning to be the one responsible for my departure. I know you are fighting for what you believe is right, but just know that the longer you stand out there, more people like me, are left jobless, confused, and somewhat let down by their creative motivators. I mean writer, think of all the good times we had together, we can still have those back!

I still respect you, I still admire you and you will always be my favorite writer. I hope you get what you are fighting for and I hope it's worth it.

Love always

Assistant

PS - I saw you chumming it up with Katherine Heigl as I left the lot. That was really sweet of her to bring you Sprinkles...doesn't she make something like 100k an episode?

PSS - I'm the one who ordered and delivered the Fred Segal basket for your first born, just thought you should know since your thank you card was addressed to the Evil one."

15 Comments

Tags: cinematical, writers strike, WritersStrike

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

11-10-2007 @ 5:50PM

brian said...

Whether this is true or not, awesome article. Love the letter, really funny, really well done. I have conflicting feelings about the strike, liking how the writers are fighting for their piece, but man...thousands are losing their jobs or not knowing if they will ever come back. (It's like New Jersey bear culls...the herd is out of control, people are at risk, but, damn, those bears are cute.)

11-10-2007 @ 6:55PM

Travis Tidmore said...

I don't know if this is real or not, but if this assistant truly wants to be a writer he'd understand what they're fighting for. I understand a lot of people are losing their jobs, but don't they realize these writers are going without pay as well, and a majority of them are just middle class workers trying to make ends meet.
If the studios get their way then the writers will be losing 80% of their income, which is about 30% more than Assistant is complaining about.

11-10-2007 @ 6:56PM

the_boo said...

If this is from a real person I would first smack her for becoming an assistant in Hollywood. You do not break into the business by taking an assistant position or any other minimum wage job in LA for that matter. Stay in small town USA, get an agent and go on every audition you can, or put together a directing reel, get an agent and shop it to everyone you can, or write a script, get an agent and shop it to everyone.

Secondly, yes there are many high profile writers making 6, 7, 8 or more figures a year, but there are just as many making no where near that much, and they will make even less when TV inevitably switches to IPTV (TV over the internet)that's what this whole thing boils down to, te DVD residuals are a very small peice of this. The writers get zero residuals for anything broadcast over the internet, when you download a netflix movie, nothing, when you by a show off of iTunes, nothing. The actors get paid, the Directors and Producers get paid, the studios get paid, but not the writers.

With broadban speeds steadily increasing Cable, Sattelite, and Over the Air TV will be a thing of the past, all shows will be on Demand over the Internet, there will be no DVD or Blu-ray or HD-DVD, everything you watch on your television will be downloaded, and when that day comes the writers that depend on that money, not the rich ones, but the guy that writes one scripta year and gets $20,000 for it will be out in the cold because they will not get paid when their work is viewed, even though every other major player will.

So boo hoo for the girl that got herself a crappy job, you shouldn't have been relying on the overtime that much, or you should've worked for someone better who may have dug into their undoubtedly deep pockets while times are slow, if the studios bosses weren't such douchebags this would've never happened, they should've just handed over the 4 cents for DVD sales and the 1 or 2% that the writers wanted of the internet revenue. I hope she enjoys working for Starbucks and never amounting to anything.

11-10-2007 @ 8:20PM

wakey said...

@the_boo

So they only sell one script a year for $20k. This may not be a massive amount but its no worse than alot of workers connected to the 'film' industry will be getting and these other workers don't receive any residuals at all.

Now I'm not saying that the writers dont deserve receive more for their work but they aren't at the bottom of the hollywood foodchain and the writers action are effecting people who get get an even rawer deal than the writers do and the longer the writers stay away its only going to get worse for them. These people certainly don't deserve to be mocked if they aren't happy with the situation the writers have left them in and shouldn't be hounded by the writers and their supporters for going in and doing their job like I've read elsewhere is sometimes happening

As for the letter I doubt its real. It seems like one of those fake letters used to make a point, something I think it does pretty well

11-10-2007 @ 9:40PM

the_boo said...

The difference is that in hollywood all the other workers can move on to other positions. Set builders, camera operators,wardrobe, catering companies, Producers and their assistants can all move on to "reality" programming, gameshows, news programs, tabloid programs, et all.

Also, while many of the groups in Hollywood don't receive residuals from their work, they also aren't expecting to see the residuals, the writers had a very rude awakening when the studios and prducers stated that the internet videos they were making millions on, and the writers were expecting residuals for, were promotional works and therefor were not subject to the same payment scheme.

If it were not for the writers Hollywood simply couldn't exsist, as evidenced by the screaming halt on production of nearly every television program and film in this country. While I feel bad for the people that will get laid off if the strike does continue, they all seem to support the WGA, the actors are striking along side them and many of the production crews are doing the same.

And really, who is to blame for this problem, their demands since this situation first came up how many months ago have not changed except to remove items from the table in order to try and resolve the problem, meanwhile the AMPTP refuses to offer even a flat rate on Internet downloads, the cost of which would be so minimal they wouldn't even notice.

I would think there would be more support for the writers on a movie blog, I would imagine that everyone that visits this site could be considered a fanboy (or girl) of movies at the very least. Don't expect to see too much more in the future, and expect to see even less television. Most of your favorite shows will not return from their winter hiatus if this strike lasts much longer. And if you think the movies suck now, just imagine when they start making all the fillms that weren't good enough before, without anyone competent to do rewrites either.

I can assure you that if anyone is truly to blame for any upcoming layoffs it is the AMPTP, and I sure our dear "assitant's" boss is a member, so perhaps she could write an open letter to him explaining how dissapointed she is in the fact that he is reaping the benefits of a new fronteir in entertainment while those responsible for it are left to pick at the crumbs. If this issue can't be fixed soon, expect to find new and horrible ways to entertain yourself.

11-10-2007 @ 9:44PM

the_boo said...

Also, I'm sure those causing a ruckus and making a scene when anyone, no matter how low on the pole they may be, crosses the line are the exception, not the rule. In any situation like this there will be people that don't know how to act civilized, and I'm sure there are more than a handful of writers that could use some lessons on proper social behavior, however I would imagine that they would be chastized by their peers later. This will weed out a lot of crap workers on both sides of the line.

11-11-2007 @ 12:14AM

Travis Tidmore said...

The Boo,
I agree with you on every point. I too thought there would be more support from a blog like this.
I've never understood why Actors and Directors get all the praise and glory, while Writers always get glossed over and forgotten. Without Writers there is nothing, Directors, Actors, Producers, et al would be sitting on an empty stage doing nothing.
Writers ARE Hollywood. They create everything we see.
Personally I've been down on the picket lines 3 days in the past week and I've seen no one giving anyone a hard time about crossing the line. In fact the only rude behavior I've seen has come from the people in their cars driving into the lots, some peeling out, etc.

11-11-2007 @ 2:08AM

Erik Davis said...

Boo, we've supported the writers throughout the entire strike (and have said that on a number of occasions), but we also like to give people a balanced opinion, showing them both sides as well as who else in the industry is impacted because of the strike. Nothing wrong with that, says me.

11-11-2007 @ 7:53AM

Philip said...

Um yea... AS Erik said, there's been an outpouring of love for the writers almost every day, much to my chagrin. Not that I'm against the writers per se, I'm against hearing about it every day. I've always maintained its only of minor interest till we get about 2 months or so into it. And if you'll troll their other posts you'll see where even I have accused them of being unfair in their characterization of the studios. I'm feeling for the writers man, really I am. But lets not pretend this is on par with UAW or an airline strike. This is not gonna shut the country down lol. Well maybe it will who knows. It won't shut me down I have a life. I'll grant this is important. But only to an extent. And I too can see the studio side of it, they're the ones investing tens of millions of dollars into these movies.

11-11-2007 @ 8:14AM

Cincinnati Mike said...

You guys can speak to the Industry side of this. My only impression comes from watching "Swimming with Sharks." But as a regular dude out in the public, I have to say that, regardless of the merits of her argument, this kind of martyr-rific self pity just bugs the shit out of me. "The endless hours, the humiliation, not getting reimbursed for mileage--I endure this for YOU, dear writer, and you have forsaken me." Puke.

11-11-2007 @ 10:49AM

Neo said...

The anonymous author of this letter has an odd point of view. How can an aspiring screenwriter blame working writers for the strike, instead of the "evil" studios that refuse to pony up a fair share of what's due?

11-11-2007 @ 11:31AM

fanshawe said...

What bugs me in the letter is the lack of logic behind placing responsibility on anyone but the employer for the lack of overtime or any other changes at work. It's usually the boss who pulls the strings, not someone from the outside. At least that's the way things work elsewhere in the world.

It doesn't sound like a real letter to me, but I suppose studios deserve their share of spindoctoring to reach the web too. Too bad they don't have real writers to come up with something more subtle, less in-yer-face manipulative. (Is it possible to win a media battle against professional storytellers anyway, lol?)

11-11-2007 @ 3:28PM

Stan Heck said...

Trust me this is a made up story. Its not like that at all.

11-11-2007 @ 9:05PM

jim emerson said...

I missed the part where the writer assumed the power to hire or lay off (or pay overtime or expenses for) the assistant who works for the "Evil Studio Executive." ("I connected you to my boss and I listened on mute as I hung on your every word.")

Has the assistant confused his/her boss with some writer in this correspondence? You could get fired for something like that.

11-12-2007 @ 8:06PM

Edgeoforever said...

Whether "assistant" is the PR dirty trick of the studios or merely someone sticking with her CEO boss against the "evil strikers" - she gets no sympathy from me. Trying to stereotype all writers as rude elitists while siding with the studio CEOs is too rich in irony for even a laugh...Writers come in all shapes and forms. CEOs - as this strike demonstrate - have one stripe only: greedy. Good luck to "assistant" in servicing them!