Cinematical Seven: Tasty Celebrity Turkeys

While they might be all sorts of succulent and tasty, poultry gets the crappy end of the slang stick. The chicken is the coward, and instead of a platter signifying all things delectable, turkeys are considered the foolish and often useless. To top that off -- when turkeys hit the celebrity realm, well, they're usually also box office bombs. In honor of our never-ending love of celebrity gossip, train-wrecks, and disaster stories, I present you with seven tasty turkeys in honor of our upcoming turkey day. Many are just a gross waste of potential, and some, I'm sure you'll agree, don't even have half the potential that studios give them credit for. Whatever the reason, they're all riding the stinker train.

Gobble, gobble!


Paris Hilton

She's mocked by many, loved by few, but Paris Hilton seems to be able to outlast even the little train that could. Prison didn't stop her, and neither do crappy movies. Working backwards: Pledge This! was so very bad that it's pretty much off the radar; the same goes for Bottoms Up; House of Wax did alright, but doesn't hold the moviegoer love; and, which Hillz? Yet somehow, somewhere, she got cast in Repo! The Genetic Opera!, which let her loose on the streets of Toronto to gripe over sex tape woes. We keep waiting for her to fall, or go away, but I'm starting to think that this super-skinny turkey is here to stay. She's like one of those inflatable boxing stand-ups that somehow swings its way upright each and every time.

Jamie Kennedy

There was a time when Jamie Kennedy made my mouth break out into a huge smile and my hands clap with glee. In 1996 he was the best scary movie geek to ever hit the big screen -- Randy Meeks in Scream. He had the humor, the delivery, and the sexy geek charm. For a while after that, he moved along decently, racking up a resume that includes As Good as It Gets and Three Kings. Well, he must've gone crazy after that. These days, what have we gotten? Malibu's Most Wanted. Son of the Mask. Kickin' It Old School. Do I even need to mention box office numbers? The movies went from dumb money-makers into dumb money-losers. The last remnants of Randy seem to be gone, and now he's mainlining crappy movies with the passion of a heroin addict. It's a damned shame.

Jessica Simpson

Ah, the wonderful contradiction that is Jessica Simpson. She presents herself as an utter bimbo, but her mom says she has an IQ of 160! (Maybe she didn't realize that IQ meme's don't count.) So really, she's not so much a contradiction as she doesn't seem interested in exemplifying her so-called smarts. Nevertheless, she's been trucking her way through an acting career. The torture device that was Dukes of Hazzard started things off, which I think everyone went to see out of nostalgia (and who then mourned the death of said nostalgia). Then Employee of the Month came along, which did alright but still. Alas, there's been nothing for us to see since. Her Blonde Ambition flopped before it got a chance, like Jim Levenstein's penis in American Pie. And then there's Major Movie Star, which needs the title because, let's face it -- Jessica Simpson will never be one.

Jude Law

I don't necessarily like including Jude Law in this list, but how can I not? I can't count the number of times I have heard people complain about Law and his movie choices lately. He's just not raking in the money, or even breaking even in many cases. Sleuth hasn't even hit a million dollar worldwide gross; if it wasn't for the worldwide box office, The Holiday would've fallen way short of its budget; All the King's Men pulled in a domestic gross under $8 million, when its production budget was $55 million... And so on, and so forth. The man has had some great roles, and I'll be ever-grateful for his stint in I Heart Huckabees, but it's amazing just how many stinkers this man is getting involved in, and how it has yet to affect his career. Hopefully My Blueberry Nights or Repossession Mambo help, because the dude is plummeting -- fast.

M. Night Shyamalan

After throwing out two movies that many people don't even know existed, M. Night Shyamalan hit it beyond 15 ballparks with The Sixth Sense. That sucker was gold. But since then, it's just been slowly fading away. I must admit: I liked both Signs and The Village, although many people have knocked them (especially the latter). While nothing compared to seeing dead people, his films were only suffering a gentle decline -- until that slow drop-off hit a cliff. Instead of making tons of money like his previous blockbusters, Lady in the Water barely made its money back, and became the big proof of Shyamalan's directorial demise. Can he make it come back with The Happening? Will it even matter if it's good? How many people still have faith in the guy? I'd like to see the man do well, but eesh, he's got to come up with some new material -- stat!

Lindsay Lohan

LiLo, oh, LiLo. We're still waiting to see if she keeps her place on the Thanksgiving platter post-rehab, but until she proves otherwise, she's probably one of the biggest wastes to hit the air in a long time. It's not just bad choices, but a lifestyle that spiraled out of control, ripping her from her red roots and throwing her into a garish, bleached, drug-addled lifestyle of trauma, drama, and driving trouble. It's hard to believe that she's only been in 11 movies so far. After getting high marks for Mean Girls, she plummeted. Herbie got her money but hurt her cred, A Prairie Home Companion was to be her big switch, but that didn't happen. Unfortunately, none of her recent movies have budgets up on Box Office Mojo, but there wasn't much mojo to be had with Just My Luck, Georgia Rule, or I Know Who Killed Me.

Zach Braff

While the women of the list have been pretty easy to throw up, it's been hard to pick a few of these guys. All of them have the potential, but something just isn't clicking -- and Zach Braff is no exception. After popping up in The Baby-Sitters Club way back in 1993, Braff worked himself up to a starring role in Scrubs, the excellent voice of Paul Revere on Clone High, and the fun and lovable indie romance, Garden State. It looked like he was heading for all sorts of wonder. But Scrubs has been waffling for a while now, and beyond Chicken Little, what does Braff have? The Last Kiss couldn't even make its $20 million budget back. Then came The Ex, which couldn't even bring in $5 mill -- that's right, it only brought in $4,168,762 worldwide! The guy hasn't even been in enough good films to balance the crap, so unless things turn around with Open Hearts, he might find himself trying to cry into a paper cup once again.

For more turkey-related coolness, check out Moviefone's list of the 25 Biggest Box-Office Bombs Ever.