Although I never gave it much thought, Bacterium explains why the creatures in the 1958 classic The Blob and its 1988 remake weren't colored green: they would have resembled mucus. That's what the critters in this movie look like, big nasty nose goblins. The trailer for this new release from POP Cinema's Shock-O-Rama label, is misleadingly exciting. Most of the effects sequences are on display in the preview, and while not convincing they are entertaining to watch. The film itself is another matter.

Two guys in haz-mat suits are using their helicopter to chase down a man in a car whose face appears to be melting. The car crashes into an abandoned barn, which is fortunate because had the resulting explosion taken out a building of more recent vintage, the film's modest budget would have been used up in the first ten minutes. It's hoped that the specimen in the green vial the man was carrying was destroyed in the fire, but no one knows for sure.

Meanwhile, two young couples are playing paintball in the woods. Jiggs (Benjamin Kane) and Beth (Alison Whitney) come across a seemingly abandoned house and, thinking their respective significant others might be hiding inside, they enter. What they find is the crazed Dr. Philip Boskovic (Chuck McMahon), working feverishly to find a cure for a biological agent he helped design for the U.S. military. His former employers aren't happy that he's gone rogue, and the house is surrounded by heavily armed government agents who have been basically ordered to kill anything that moves. Boskovic orders Beth to remove her clothes before locking her in a room and gassing her into unconsciousness. Presumably this is some kind of decontamination procedure, though in reality it is an excuse for nudity that, while gratuitous, is certainly not unwelcome. The PG-13 rating has me wondering if the MPAA reviewer dozed off during this part, which was obviously explicit enough to warrant an R.

Soon Boskovic is infected by the organism he's been trying to stop, and a series of green blob-like creatures eat their way out his body. They reproduce at a horrifying rate and if left unchecked the earth will be overrun with mucus creatures by lunchtime, though by then everyone will be too grossed out to worry about eating. Our heroes fight to survive while the military officers responsible for the situation decide to deploy a black hole bomb (what could possibly go wrong with that?) to insure the destruction of the creatures.

While the cheesy B-movie effects and action are kind of fun, it's all rendered moot by characters doing things so stupid you'll want to kill them yourself if they manage to escape the monster. Beth walks into a hail of gunfire and gets shot because she "wanted to see if they were bluffing." The black hole bomb, which has a range of about 13 miles, is detonated 17 miles from the secret government facility. Three guesses how that turns out. Beth's boyfriend is killed by the government agents, a fact that our heroes are unaware of, but conveniently no one ever mentions him again. The movie thumbs its nose at bureaucracy, military escalation and the ravaging of the environment, but does it so childishly that the point is rendered moot. The reproductive cycle of the creatures and the way they threaten to over run the world reminds me of a far better B horror/science fiction film called Island of Terror, that I highly suggest you watch in lieu of this one.

Tags: Bacterium, Cinema, Cinematical, Movies