Review: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie

I'm not at all the target age for Veggie Tales, the TV show and videos that aim to make Bible stories entertaining and fun for kids, or that feature non-religious stories teaching good morals. Still, I've been exposed to the occasional clip from a Veggie Tales video here and there -- the bits that are so funny they circulate the Web. And I do like children's movies and TV occasionally ... we're big SpongeBob SquarePants fans in this household, even though he's no longer in vogue. I was therefore a little disappointed that The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie wasn't all that entertaining on a grown-up level.

The storyline for this latest Veggie Tales endeavor has very little to do with the Bible, except for some parallels hinted at between "our Father, the King" of the movie and a certain religious figure. Larry the Cucumber, a Veggie Tales regular, is cast here as Elliot, a "cabin boy" (busboy) at a dinner-theater restaurant with a piratical theme. (I kept wondering if the writer was paying homage to Chris Elliot in Cabin Boy.) His fellow cabin boys are Sedgwick, played by Mr. Lunt the gourd, and George, played by Pa Grape. (Not being a Veggie Tales viewer, it took me awhile to realize that George was a grape and not a pea ... a grape isn't a veggie, after all. But "Veggie and Fruit Tales" doesn't have the same ring to it and might sound suspicious to hypersensitive types.) All three cabin boys aspire to perform in the dinner theater production, but Elliot is a fraidy-cat, Sedgwick is lazy and George has no self-confidence.

Meanwhile, back in the 17th century, an evil pirate known as Robert the Terrible has captured good Prince Alexander and is hunting for Princess Eloise in an attempt to usurp the throne from his brother the current King, who keeps giving away the family fortune to the poor and disadvantaged. Princess Eloise uses a magical device of her wonderful father's to summon three heroes ... and you know that's going to be Elliot, Sedgwick and George, still wearing their pirate costumes from the restaurant. I'm sure you can guess that the three cabin boys are now going to learn how to overcome their bad habits and learn how to believe in themselves and become better, more heroic vegetables (and a fruit).

A few unexpected plot twists provide some of the most entertaining moments for adults in this movie. For example, I never thought I would see killer cheese curls with ferocious little mouths in any film, ever. Those cheese curls may haunt me in my sleep. It's a good thing I no longer eat that kind of snack. I also liked the rock monsters, which look more interesting than the fantastic plastic 3D appearance characteristic of the Veggie Tales series -- they almost seem to be out of a Hayao Miyazaki film. If you can stick around for the credits before your kids drag you off to the bathroom or the video games, the rock monsters show up again with the usual Veggie Tales crew for a musical number, "Rock Monsters," which is an amusing spoof of the B-52's song "Rock Lobster."

The kids in the theater where I saw The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything appeared to enjoy the movie. Some were a bit frightened by a few scenes: the eerie blind man (or celery -- I think) who predicts an adventure for the trio at the beginning of the film seemed to be the scariest moment for them, but it was over fairly quickly. Everyone, kids and adults, seemed to like the rollicking musical number where the pirates in a tavern tell us all about how tough and mean they are while swilling root beer and wolfing down burgers. (This is a G-rated film, after all.) However, some scenes did appear to be a little too talky or slow for the kids, not to mention the adults, and even at 85 minutes the movie dragged tediously in spots.

For the most part, The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything relies on humor that is mild at best and irritatingly tired at worst. I could live a happy, fulfilled life without hearing the lines "We've got company!" or "Say hello to my little friend" again. References to TiVo and The Weather Channel pass as jokes, which is fine for a small chuckle, but then are repeated in case you didn't laugh quite hard enough the first time. More lively musical numbers and less dialogue might have worked more successfully.

I feel like I've been spoiled for goofy kids' animated entertainment by SpongeBob, where even if a gag fizzles or isn't funny if you're over the age of eight, another one zings by a few seconds later that makes you laugh. The whole point of Veggie Tales may be to present a less chaotic and more "suitable for children" type of entertainment, but it didn't work for me in this feature film. I kept waiting for laughs that never arrived.

On the other hand, I was stunned last summer to see small children at Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, since I felt it was way too violent for them (and almost for me), and this movie does provide a more appropriate alternative for pirate-loving children. If you want to take your kids out for an afternoon at the movies, knowing that nothing they see will be offensive, violent or upsetting, The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything should fit the bill.