Cinematical Seven: More Characters Sly Stallone Can Sequel-ize

Sylvester "Sly" Stallone brought boxer Rocky Balboa out of retirement in 2006, and shocked everyone by making a movie that was better than expected / feared. He'll try to do it again this Friday as his other iconic character, Vietnam vet John J. Rambo, storms back onto the big screen in the simply titled Rambo.

With the renewed heat generated by these projects, Sly has talked recently about his plans to remake 1974's Death Wish. Upon further consideration, I think it's a mistake for him to remake a movie featuring another actor's iconic character when he has so many more characters of his own that need to be sequel-ized.

Saying no to continuations of his characters in Rhinestone, Cobra, Over the Top, and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot was easy. But here are my picks for seven other characters Sly Stallone can sequel-ize, along with suggested storylines. They're yours for the asking, Sly: after all, you've already given me so much!

1. Stanley Rosiello (The Lord's of Flatbush)

In the pre-Rocky days, TV star Henry Winkler was the big draw in a supporting role, but Sly stole the show from everyone, including ostensible lead, Perry King. Sly played a greaser who got his girlfriend pregnant and is forced into marriage. His change from confident thug to fumbling husband was touching. I'd love to see what's happened to Stanley. Flashbacks could fill in the decades as Stanley reminisces about his life when he hears about the death of a former fellow gang member. Winkler could show up for one of his patented extended cameos.

2. Frank Nitti (Capone)

Now we get to the action! Sly played Capone's favorite assassin in Steve Carver's bio-pic, which Roger Ebert scorched. And while Frank Nitti has been played by a host of other actors, none have pulled it off with Sly's machine-gun proficiency. Forget the facts -- Nitti died four years before Capone -- and play on the legend. Sly could play Nitti after Capone is jailed, trying vainly to hold together Capone's criminal empire in post-prohibition Chicago, and then chucking it all to fight the Nazis in World War II. "You Nazis all sound like stuck pigs!" (Note: I know that's from a different version.)

3. Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (Death Race 2000)

I refuse to accept the "official" forthcoming remake (Death Race 3000) and declare that Sly must return as a thuggish villain bent on destruction -- or else! Roger Corman, how could you let this happen? By the way, David Carradine is still alive, too, and could ably play our hero, Frankenstein. Aargh! Hollywood really frustrates me sometimes. (Note: I can't remember if Machine Gun Joe lives or dies, but either way, he needs to come back.)

4. Raymond 'Ray' Tango (Tango & Cash)

Sure, this is a ridiculous movie. Sure, Sly and Kurt Russell traded wisecracks that weren't even funny. Sure, Teri Hatcher played a stripper who didn't show enough skin. Sure, Variety called it "mindless ... inane and formulaic." But, dang, this is one compulsively watchable train wreck of a movie that never slows down. I would looooove to see Sly and Kurt mix it up again. With her "desperate" TV stardom, Teri Hatcher would make it more than a buddy flick -- and let's throw in her hot daughter (your choice of actresses, America; let's say Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical) who will crush on Cute Kurt and distress Ole' Uncle Sly.

5. Gabe Walker (Cliffhanger)

Gabe was a real self-righteous, suffering whiner in the original, and director Renny Harlin lingered much too long on the nasty, sadistic, bloody violence, but Gabe finally got over himself in the end and seemed ready for more adventures. In the sequel, Gabe and Jessie (Janine Turner) have become skyscraper rescue workers, saving people who have foolishly attempted to climb up the tallest buildings in the world without the proper equipment or training. After a breathtaking opening sequence in Hong Kong, where Gabe and Jessie help save a movie stunt gone bad, they are called back to the Rocky Mountains, where the President's plane has crash-landed. Big problem? The Prez was traveling with his mistress, not the First Lady!

6. John Spartan (Demolition Man)

The tone of mock-serious futurism, combined with action scenes that didn't quite click, kept Demolition Man from being a total success, but John Spartan, the 20th Century crime fighter frozen in time and reawakened to face a bizarre, sanitized future, was priceless. I imagine a sequel in which the constantly exasperated action hero has to deal with the consequences of his actions at the end of the original. Did future society get better or worse? Bring back Sandra Bullock as Lenina Huxley, once sweet and naive, but now older, wiser, and more cynical, along with Denis Leary as a wisecracking former rebel who's now uncomfortable with his role as a respectable authority figure.

7. Judge Joseph Dredd (Judge Dredd)

Widely derided as an inferior rendition of the British comic book character, it's time for Sly to do the original, er, justice. Get the Dredd mythology into the film; capture the correct tone; don't bring back Rob Schneider; don't have the Judge romance another Judge (even one played by the divine Diane Lane); and keep the mask on. Sly did just fine as a voice actor for Antz, so that's how the Judge Dredd sequel should be handled. That would allow the Judge to do as much or more physically than before -- no shame in having stunt doubles when you're in your 60s -- and Sly's voice could still stop criminals dead in their tracks: "I am the Law!"