This was a tough week to write a beat. It's the periphery of summer coolness, which leaves me little to really dig into. But as this week brings us the big screen debut of Iron Man, it seems inevitable that we talk comic books today.
Frankly, I bet most of you out there thought there would never be an Iron Man movie -- just from the technological standpoint. Imagine if this had been done in, say, 1985. It looks pretty grim, doesn't it? For some reason, this image led me to wondering about all the comic books we've read up till now, thinking: "This could never be done! It's insane!" So, that's what this week is about -- those over-the-top comic books that could never be made in a million years.
We're talking Secret Wars kind of stuff -- remember that? Where every single Marvel hero and villain was summoned to the Battleworld to do gladiatorial battle? These are the kinds of stories we're talking about -- stories that if they were made, the best case scenario would be that the cost would destroy a studio, Golden Compass style. The worst case, the movie would be utterly retarded. Neither outcome matters, because in your inner heart (even if that heart is still behaving in a wishful 12-year-old fashion) you still want to see it. In other words, I expect you readers to do a bit of the writing work in the comments, spilling out your secret comic book desires. Wait, that sounded ten kinds of wrong. Anyway, to inspire you, I badgered my friends into coughing up the crazy stories they wanted to see. To keep their privacy, I'm only listing their first names. Barring a few grammatical tweaks, their words are their own.
Chris: The New Fantastic Four, its a story arc that Art Adams drew, issues 347-349. A Skrull takes out the FF, poses as Sue, and calls Wolvie, Grey Hulk, Spidey and Ghost Rider to help her get an "egg" that is actually a secret robot weapon from the Mole Man!
Ian: Guardian Devil. I mean, let's face it, the story has it all. You have a blind superhero dressed up like the devil, who goes through a crisis of faith (Did I mention he's a lapsed Catholic?) when his former porn star and drug-dependent girlfriend leaves him to go be a radio star, said woman writing him a letter that even a superhero with radar sense is going to have trouble deciphering ... it has it all, as I said. Religious iconography, plot twists, pop culture references, continuity, and despite the above reading as ridiculous, it is actually well-written. There's a lot of nonsense in there, but it works in a comic-book way. Only snag is the damn thing is so weird that it could never work as a film, especially as Matthew yells at every single person he comes across during the entire story
Gerry: I would love, LOVE to see Age of Apocalypse done for the big screen. Do you know it? An alternative universe where Xavier doesn't form the X-Men but Magneto does, where Apocalypse rules America like a God. I realize that this is never going to happen. I realize that no one else would go and see it. I even realize it would be rubbish. But I feel that those comics which are best are those, like DC Elseworlds, those that move the characters 90 degrees, put them in new alliances, new situations and shows us how they react and adapt.
Dennis (who submitted several, but I find the eco-friendly car particularly apropos): In Amazing Spider-Man #130 an automaker approaches Spidey to promote their nonpolluting engine via a special vehicle they'll make for him. Peter and Johnny Storm, who were friends through a lot of Marvel continuity, design the dune buggy-like Spider-Mobile. Things don't work out and the vehicle is wrecked and falls into a river. Later it's salvaged by The Kingpin and modified by The Tinkerer as a weapon against Spidey. In Amazing #160, he faces - My Killer, The Car! The revamped mobile can drive up walls, has gas bombs that nullify his talents and is remotely controlled.
Matt: Like much of the Geek Free World I have Iron Man on the brain right now, but then he has been my favorite character since childhood. If I could see a totally over the top comic story brought to the big screen it would be Iron Man's Armor Wars featured in Iron Man #225-231. The story begins with Tony Stark realizing that Spymaster has stolen some of his plans and technology for the Iron Man armor and sold it to the highest bidders. In an attempt to keep the technology from being used for evil, Iron Man goes rogue, hunting both armored "bad guys" (like the Crimson Dynamo) and the "good guys" (like Stingray), eventually causing the US government to begin hunting him. In the process he accidentally kills Titanium Man and damages his relationship with Captain America (sound familiar?). Finally the government sends a new armored agent, Firepower, to bring Tony to heel ... which is accomplished with a nuke to Shellhead's noggin (of course he lived ... ). It was a glorious issue to issue set of over the top battles fought the wrong way for what Tony believed to be the right reasons. It would make a kickass trilogy of films that would cost approximately 1 google dollars to produce. I'd see it 75 times.
My own pick is X-Men #205 -- and I must give a shout-out to the late Dave's Long Box, where I first read it. It is the first appearance of Wolverine's female arch-nemesis, Lady Deathstrike, and begins in a surreal, Blade Runner chop shop fashion. Desperate to kill the Gaijin who possesses her father's adamantium, Deathstrike makes herself over into a hideous cyborg woman. From there, we encounter Katie Power of the Power Pack, who encounters a savage Wolverine on the streets of New York. In an incident left completely to the imagination of the reader, he was captured and brutally tortured by Deathstrike and her men. He's so ravaged he doesn't remember who he is, nor does he recognize little Katie. What follows is a delightful adventure of the pair of them trying to dodge Deathstrike and her men, as Wolverine regains his senses, and stops speaking random Japanese. When he does, it's a frenzy of evisceration, full of fantastic one liners like "I'll kick when I'm ready -- and that ain't tonight!" Oh yeah, and it takes place at Christmas, which lends it all a Lethal Weapon vibe.
Now it is your turn to show me what you've got. And you never know -- a studio may be casting around for ideas (and judging by the number of remakes and re-imaginings we get per summer, Hollywood might be reading your comments RIGHT NOW), hit Google, and discover our list of potential blockbusters. This is why we should get paid the big bucks!
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
4-29-2008 @ 1:13PM
Ronan said...
Days of future past.
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4-29-2008 @ 1:16PM
Matt said...
i'd like to see a true version of miller's "the dark knight returns." it's too dark to be commercial and too long to effectively be one movie, but it would be amazing. maybe nolan and bale can team up again in 20 years to pull it off.
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4-29-2008 @ 1:25PM
robert said...
This may be "over the top" in a slightly different way than intended but how about Thor rebuilding Asgard in Oklahoma... yeah, it happened.
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4-29-2008 @ 1:56PM
Ryan said...
I have to say, "Knightsfall," and "Knightsend" would be pretty insane. I know we've had one film incarnation of Bane, but the comic book version was an actual compelling villain, obsessed with Batman, and busting all of his enemies out of Arkham in an attempt to wear him down mentally and physically before literally breaking Batman's back. Also, Azrael was an insanely cool character in the "Sword of Azrael" series, and when he took over for Batman and went all cuckoo-bananas with the killing, it forced Bruce Wayne to retrain himself physically in order to take down the fake Batman (now decked out in high-tech batsuit). I know they'll never turn this into a film, but "Sword of Azrael" might work in some capacity.
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4-29-2008 @ 2:06PM
Brian Jacks said...
This was the nerdiest column ever. Love it.
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4-29-2008 @ 2:08PM
dopiestghost said...
JLA/Avengers. I love the universe bending, superhero epics on a cosmic scale that feature everyone kicking butt. I would put Crisis on Infinite Earths up here but if you're really, truly looking and never-going-to-be-made, this beats it. I mean, Marvel and DC plus all their respective studios and distributors actually working together? Ha. Not to mention the cost in casting, special effects and condensing it in movie form for the public who has no idea who most of those characters are. But man, is that not the most butt-kicking comic of all time that would make full use of an IMAX screen? I think so.
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4-29-2008 @ 2:11PM
Brian Jacks said...
I should have chimed in with my own suggestion...it'd be cool to see that whole Emperor Joker storyline get made into a film, where he steals Mxyzptlk's powers and takes over all of reality.
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4-29-2008 @ 2:26PM
Brian Salvatore said...
Green Lantern: Rebirth. I know its a weird place to bring a film from (resurrecting a dead hero), but it would blow my geeky mind.
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4-30-2008 @ 2:03PM
Tucker said...
I second that. I'd love to see a GL film, and Hal Jordan's redemption is too awesome a thought to pass up. Of course, like you say, how would the sheer gravity of it all ever be able to make it into the script? How do you explain Parallax in a few minutes of exposition? My vote: HBO MINISERIES!! If the can condense John Adams from the revolutionary war through death into a few hourlong episodes, they can do Hal Jordan true justice!
4-29-2008 @ 2:36PM
dlh said...
I have to 2nd the JLA/Avengers comment. But if I have to come up with something new it is the Legion of Super Heroes Earth War Saga - the Kund (their version of Klingon's) invasion of the United Planets is secretly controlled by Dark Circle in turn secretly controlled by Mordru, the most powerful magician in the universe. Got every legion member - including the subsitutes getting their butts kicked - with only a handful left standing to face Mordru. Sci-fi, conspiracies, magic. Break the bank, baby.
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4-29-2008 @ 2:37PM
james said...
Well for sheer out of this world bat shi+ crazy....
Superman VS He-Man (sure the story sucked but Skeletor possessed Supes and the 2 Most Powerful Super Heroes went toe to toe! The fight could be the majority of the movie)
On a more serious note....
The SpiderMan crossover with Secret Wars 2 (the Beyonder could be replaced by some other god-like character) where he (the Beyonder) turns a building into solid gold in an attempt to help people. Spidey crawls throughout the building cursing his existence and saving people, but at the end he "steals" a solid Gold Notepad stating "I got mine!"
or....
John Byrne's the Next Men (just have him write a script using those characters)
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4-29-2008 @ 2:49PM
Jonathan said...
Hard to pick but my first all-time wish list topper would be:
The Dark Knight by Frank Miller
Superman, Batman and mutants in the future. Can't lose.
Could definitely be made and I keep posting about getting Bruce Willis as Batman/Bruce Wayne and Patrick Warburton as the Big Blue Boyscout.
Second and is more than likely NOT able to be made as live action (but I would love to see as a feature CG movie) is Kingdom Come by Mark Waid.
Set some 20 years into the future of the then-current DC Universe, it deals with a growing conflict between "traditional" superheroes, such as Superman, Wonder Woman, and the Justice League, and a growing population of largely amoral and dangerously irresponsible new vigilantes. Between these two groups is Batman and his assembled team, who attempt to contain the escalating disaster, foil the machinations of Lex Luthor, and prevent a world-ending superhuman war.
Wow.. chills just thinking about seeing it on the big screen.
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4-29-2008 @ 3:02PM
Dash said...
As of now even the Justice League seens hard to be done.
As for impossible ideas, Kingdom Come, because it's like Justice League (and many other DC heros), only they are old and cynical about the world (and there is Superman vs Captain marvel). And, for Marvel, Onslaught, just because it's absolutely impossible: half of Marvel dies there (to this day I don't know the excuse they used for their revival later on)
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4-29-2008 @ 3:08PM
Chupacabra said...
Marvel: Civil War would lend itself to a movie perfectly, and I wouldn't be surprised if it actually became a movie someday (or at least one of those direct-to-DVD cartoon movies).
My first choice would have to be Batman: No Mans Land. An earthquake creates chaos in Gotham. The US government declares Gotham to no longer be part of the US. Its sectioned off from the rest of the city. All the villains escape from Arkham Asylum and each one claims a section of the city. Its a huge gang turf war and Batman tries to slowly gain back territory by taking out all the bad guys one at a time. Too amazing!
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4-29-2008 @ 3:21PM
kel said...
I second or third Kingdom Come and would also like to throw in the first Ultimates series.
Here's one that will never ever happen-Marvel Zombies!
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4-29-2008 @ 3:49PM
Alana said...
My favorite comic character has been and continues to be Rogue from the X-Men. When given any hypothetical scenario in which I must choose a comic superhero to be, I always choose her. Why? Flight, super strength, and you're damn near invulnerable. Sure you can't touch anybody, but really, you can fly. How bad can it be? I would totally take Rogue at the height of her powers and have her inhabit the same universe as Superman. I wouldn't want them to be a team, because that would be boring as hell. I would want Rogue to basically torment Superman. Not be a villain, but just another superhero capable of a lot of the things the Boy Scout is capable of...only she goes out and gets plastered after.
On a side note, I have to say, that after reading Matt's "Iron Man's Armor Wars" idea, I too would see it 75 times.
Great column this week.
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4-29-2008 @ 4:19PM
Christian said...
Maybe they should have made the XMen as The Brood saga, where the XMen are kidnapped by an alien race who plant gene-altering embryos in them.
All is lost until Wolverine's immune power kills his embryo. Storm is transferred into the mind of a space creature and Carol Danvers becomes even greater.
Or even better, the story of how Jean Grey became the White Queen of the HellFire club and ended up releasing the Dark Phoenix.
Almost any Hulk story would be mega-costly. Maybe the Thor story with the Celestials where all the Gods donate power to Odin for a suit of armor. The armor is destroyed and Thor must search for the spirit.
Too many to continue.
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4-29-2008 @ 5:10PM
Jawmuncher said...
Aliens Vs Predator Vs Terminator
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4-29-2008 @ 5:24PM
parl said...
The Planet Hulk/World War Hulk story would be mega incredible. Other worldly gladiator arenas, a planet of 4-5 different species, huge explosions, planets breaking apart and then they all come to NY...
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4-29-2008 @ 5:46PM
Dude said...
Transformers vs. G.I. Joe
Infinity Crusade
Visionaries
Uncanny X-Men and The New Teen Titans
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