Cinematical Seven: Awesome Ideas for New 'Iron Man' Characters!

The critics loved it, the audiences seem to dig it even more, and the sequel has officially claimed a 2010 release date already: This weekend we're all about the Iron Man. (I was gonna say "This weekend we're all about the iron, man," but it was way too corny.) So while we've already been promised the arrivals of characters called War Machine, Mandarin, and Nick Fury, I hope that the fine folks at Marvel Entertainment will consider tossing a few of these guys into the mix:

Alloy Boy -- Desperate to become Iron Man's first sidekick, young Alfred Loye decides to build himself a suit made of several disparate components. A big fan of TV dinners and collectible unicorns, Alfred fuses tin with pewter and creates an outfit that proves to be as effective as a suit made of tissue paper and smoke. His demise at Bessemer mansion inspires Tony Stark to avoid future sidekicks.

Irony Man -- Although he and Tony Stark shared similar talents for pith and witty banter, Irony Man proved to be an undeniably difficult ally to deal with. The two heroes had a massive falling out after, in a fit of rare sincerity, Irony Man referred to Stark's newest suit as "quite nice, actually." Irony Man was killed by Lord Caustic of Sardonica. His remains are buried in Sarr Chasm.

Vitamin Gal and the FEmales -- After depleting their planet of iron (in a matter of weeks) and fully convinced that Tony Stark is Earth's very source of the vital element, the five young women descend upon the tycoon's mansion and have one hell of a weekend. After learning that iron is in fact one of this planet's most prevalent components, they beat the living hell out of Stark, leaving only Vitamin Girl to hang out for a while. (She would eventually leave him for Centrum executive Frumay Tuzinc.)
Cobalt -- Desperate for some sort of companionship during his missions, Stark creates a robotic dog called COBALT (Canine Orange-Brown Automated Little Terrier) who turns out to be lustrous, hard, and brittle. The robotic pooch caused a small amount of controversy when Stark implanted it with a "lick yourself if you feel like it" function. During a particularly ironic battle in a natural science museum, Cobalt was crushed by ten tons of giant bones.

Barium N. Emma and the Malleables -- Easily Iron Man's most disgusting arch-enemies, the Malleables were a group of wishy-washy hooligans before they found a leader in the horrifically smelly Barium N. Emma. After defeating Tony Stark in the legendary Battle of Sulfur Butte, the Malleables (especially Copper, Tin and the predictably garrulous Tungsten) began to show some cracks. The best battle between Barium and Stark actually came at the poker table. The villain hit Tony with three bullets, but was (of course) undone by one massive flush.

Polly Pyrite -- At first glance, Tony Stark's new assistant looks like she's worth her weight in gold (and she's assisted by a group of grizzled minors) but the gal turns out to be as worthless as a lump of coal. (Her lack of value is discovered by a first-year geology major who dubs the gal "Foolsgold.") Current whereabouts are unknown, but really, she's not as cool as she looks.

Ferrous Jeweler -- Once a wealthy diamond merchant who was stupidly convinced that iron would replace gold and silver as the world's most coveted bling, Jeweler lost his riches wagering that a ton of Strontium actually DID weigh more than a ton of Molybdenum. (He was wrong.) Best known for his tag line "I want a rock right now," Ferrous battled Iron Man numerous times, although Stark has been quoted as saying "He really is a joke. I've met terminally ill children who hit harder than this guy." Although it was previously believed that Ferrous Jeweler was a very sickly super-villain, recent evidence indicates that he may have been faking it all along.