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Cinematical Seven: Things That, Thankfully, Didn't Happen in 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'.

by Elisabeth Rappe May 27th 2008 // 11:02PM

Filed under: Action, Classics, Fandom, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Cinematical Seven, Remakes and Sequels
Warning: This post does contain lots of Crystal Skull spoilers. Read at your own risk.

Whether you loved Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or hated it, dreaded its arrival or could barely sleep at night in anticipation, I think we can all agree there are some things that we're really glad didn't happen. With George Lucas' oft-quoted desire for "wackiness," and with his Star Wars prequels being rife with mythology rewrites and well, "wackiness," there was cause for concern. I'm one of the individuals who didn't care for the film, but upon leaving, I knew it could have been a lot worse. My friends, who varied between loving, liking, and hating, agreed -- there could have been so many horrible things. For example, the much-maligned monkeys and prairie dogs could have broken out in a spontaneous and extended dance number, and the aliens could have appeared as Indy's father. So, this Cinematical Seven is the result of our roundtable rantings -- and, as always, I am anxious to hear your own ...



1. The Original Indiana Jones Trilogy Was Not Revised

Though if the rumors are to be believed, it wasn't for lack of trying. One of my biggest fears during production was the constant refrain that the film referred back to the previous three, and tied it all together. Once those first alien images leaked, I was convinced that Crystal Skull would reveal the Ark, Sankara Stones, and Holy Grail to all be products of alien technology. Lucas had previously stripped such mysticism out of the Force, revealing it not to be the touch of destiny, but a result of your midichlorian count. Or something. I don't know if this ever was a real idea floating around Skywalker Ranch, but if it was, thankfully cooler heads prevailed. Not only would this have utterly undermined and destroyed the first three movies for everyone, it also would have angered followers of three major religions.


2. Indiana Jones didn't get into the spaceship at the end.

Maybe it was just me, and my wild flights of fancy, but there was seriously a moment of "Is he gonna do it?" One of my friends had warned me of "a moment when, if it had happened, I would have walked out and left." I really thought this was it. That, in a quest for greater knowledge and a desire to duck out of old age, Indy would climb aboard with the aliens (sorry, "interdimensional beings") and leave. Marion and Mutt would watch him depart, crying, tears streaming down their faces. Plus, this would have dovetailed neatly into the homages Lucas and Spielberg often succumb to. And along these same lines, everyone I know seems to be grateful Jar Jar and E.T. didn't show up as Mayan paintings or the aliens themselves.

3. The Aliens Didn't Walk or Talk.

While one did manifest at the very end, I am very grateful that the headless crystal skeleton was not immediately animated once his head was replaced. I felt a very cold chill go down my spine when it began to move, but thankfully, it just corrected its posture. Maybe it's because I have a fear of aliens, but I did not want to see that thing stand up and walk towards them. One of my friends also said he held his breath, fearful it would begin to talk, and thank Jones for personally returning the skull. As inexplicable as the ending was, I think we can all agree the possibilities were scarier.

4. Indy Didn't Sleep With Irina Spalko

I never really thought of this as a possibility once Marion Ravenwood's return was announced. But when Cate Blanchett was initially cast as a sexy Russian agent, I immediately pictured a Russian version of Elsa Schneider. And I naturally assumed Indy would get involved with her, perhaps not knowing she was a Communist spy. That's what he had done before, right? For the moment, let us pretend that Marion didn't return and that Spalko was the lone female. I think we can all agree that a romantic hook-up with the sword-wielding psychic would have been a disaster. Even better -- Mutt Williams didn't go to bed with her, either. Thankfully, Lucas and Spielberg avoided at least one father-son homage from Last Crusade. I don't think I could have retained my sanity if Indy had said "I'm as human as the next man" to Mutt.

5. Indiana's Old Age Was Relatively Downplayed.

They kept it surprisingly classy. While a few of Mutt's jeers at Indy were cringe worthy, they steered clear of predictable old age jokes. Jones didn't throw out his back (and Mutt have to put it back in), have to use the bathroom, get sleepy, or break a hip. He never complained about his age, never did a "back in the day," or derided Mutt for his youth. There were no attempts at geriatric humor at all, which I found hugely comforting and respectful. Which is surprising, given that they did go for the gratuitous crotch joke. Repeatedly. There may not be a fourth generation of the Jones family.

6. Nostalgia Was Kept At a Minimum

One thing I am very glad about was this film's determination to stand on its own, character wise. They didn't bring back every former character "for the fans." Having Henry Jones Sr. would have been no end of preposterous, and his off-screen death seems like a foregone conclusion the moment they announced the setting. (This is something a few people I have encountered had a hard time accepting. I don't know why, the math makes it pretty obvious.) Nor did Sallah, Short Round, or Willie Scott return. And I can think of a dozen ways they might have included them for the sake of Lucas' wacky humor. They also could have been, horrifyingly, brought back as villains. Though Shortie may have fit in nicely with Spalko as a Maoist.

7. Shia Didn't Put On the Fedora

To return to #2, it turns out that the moment my friend nearly fled his seat was this final shot. And of all things during our roundtable rant, this point just kept coming up again and again. While no one hated Shia LaBeouf (and we all expected to), it was universally agreed that he did not deserve the famous fedora. And it wasn't just the fedora, this goes for all of Jones' iconic accessories. It's like seeing the familiar effects of a loved one scattered to family members -- it just isn't right. While Lucas may decide to truly pass the torch to LaBeouf, there was thankfully a minimum of such nods onscreen. Indiana was still the man in charge -- and nothing says it better than when he took his hat back. Not yet, Mutt Williams. Not yet.

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Tags: cinematical 7, cinematical seven, Cinematical7, CinematicalSeven, featured, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, IndianaJonesAndTheKingdomOfTheCrystalSkull, indy2008

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