An Open Letter to the Three Jerks Who Sat Behind Me at the Movies Yesterday
Filed under: Exhibition, Fan Rant
Dear jerks,
I totally get that you, a middle-aged couple and their rotten little 13-year-old, spike-faced offspring, just HAD to go see The Uninvited at 4:50 on opening day at the AMC Franklin Mills 24 theater ... but why did you have to be so stunningly obnoxious about the whole excursion?
You're probably wondering what made me so angry, so because you're unbelievably stupid, I'll tell you: Your loud wife and snotty teen felt the need to pretty much NARRATE the entire prologue of the film, which is clearly a dream sequence and therefore not beholden to logic. Your repeated queries of "Huh?" and "What's goin' ON?" were not answered by the giant movie screen, and so you replaced your questions with simple assertions.
"That's creepy," is what I hear when a shadow moves across the screen. "That bikini is pretty small," you helpfully inform me when a girl in the film appears wearing a bikini. And yet, not only five minutes earlier, I asked you (politely and with a SMILE) if you'd please stop talking. But you took that as a challenge to be subtle.
After about seven minutes of actual quiet, Mom and Teen had hatched a plan: Ugly daughter would fake-cough very loudly and dryly, while stupid mother would pat her on the back (very loudly) as if some sort of gastronomical emergency was taking place. Dad, for his part, probably a little worried that the "shush guy" one row ahead might actually have a firearm, did nothing. On the other hand, he sure didn't tell his wife and kid to stop acting like monumental ass-faces.
By the time teen daughter had taking to CRUNKLING UP her popcorn bag really loudly, but well after I started to realize that they were focusing more on annoying me than they were on The Uninvited ... I just snapped. I'm surprised I didn't throw a soda right in the sneering little harridan's face. "So you're just gonna make SPITE NOISE until the movie ends, huh? Just because I had the ignorance to ask you to stop talking during a movie. And you, the parents, condoning it. Brilliant." The young one tried to mumble a response like "Hey, we paid for our tickets TOO, y'know," as if this somehow gives a moron the right to harass an entire audience, but I was too livid to respond. Plus there were at least five other people in the auditorium, and I felt bad about bothering them.
So I ran to the AMC security-looking guy, who promptly went in and chastised the family. I felt good. Then the manager gave me some free passes and I finished watching the damn movie. I feel even better. Oh, and thanks, jerks: I actually have to review this film, and now all I can think about is beating that snot-faced brat with a stick.
But I will keep fighting the fight. The one that says "You know what? Public auditoriums are not your freakin' family room! Shut UP!"
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
1-30-2009 @ 9:11PM
William Goss said...
I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I sure didn't invite them...
Reply
1-31-2009 @ 11:19AM
Yoda's House of Pancakes said...
I made the mistake of seeing "My Bloody Valentine 3D on opening night a couple of weeks ago. It was the most miserable movie experience I have ever had. I was in the third row from the front, and I swear, everyone beside me, behind me, and in front of me were talking loudly to each other, talking on cell phones, and texting.
I think high schools across the country need to offer a mandatory class on movie theater ettiquette. Or just theater etiquette in general, because I had a gaggle of noisy morons behind me when I saw Cirque Du Soleil in Vegas about a month ago.
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1-31-2009 @ 12:26PM
Moviefan said...
Bravo. You're not alone. That kind of behavior makes my blood boil. I wish every movie theater would display your post before starting the movie instead of that dancing peanut that warns everyone to shush. People are rude and obnoxious and are raising rude and obnoxious children. I guess the best way to handle that kind of behavior is to go to the security staff immediately.
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1-31-2009 @ 11:32AM
Wayne said...
Amen, Scott.
Yoda - I think we need to stop giving teenagers cell phones.
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1-31-2009 @ 11:35AM
Dale said...
To that I give a hearty "here, here!"
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1-31-2009 @ 11:39AM
Pixls said...
well, as a teenager, and the only one of my friends who doesn't talk during movies,i must say it annoys me a lot, i usually end up shushing my friends during movies, yeah my friends are the ones who whisper most of the time and then continue even when the movie gets really quiet so that everyone can hear. i often resort to fists (only on my friends, they're cool with it) because they won't understand any other way
anyway, at least my friends are smart, the time to be like, "oh that was a refference to..." not "what did he say?" or "look what he just did!"
and at least one of my friends (jason) is guilty of the popcorn crumpley thing, he can be embarrassing sometimes...
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1-31-2009 @ 11:54AM
The Addict said...
I think a very quiet whisper is okay during a movie. I think anything more than that, with the obvious exceptions of gut reactions like laughing and screaming/gasping, is disrespectful.
My big pet peeve about stupid people in movies are the ones that spend the movie text messaging. What's worse, as was the case when I saw Frost/Nixon yesterday, is when people whip out their iPhones and start browsing the internet mid-film. What's worse than that even, as was the case yesterday, is when the buddy sitting next to the jerk with the iPhone decides "Oh man, Spanky whipped out his iPhone, I should probably do the same so that he doesn't feel like the only asshole in the theater."
How bout that guy that seemed to drop kick my chair at about the one hour mark? That was cute.
However, these offenses that I'd mentioned above were not done by teenagers, but instead by competent adults, at least 18+ers, people that should know better. I sincerely think that this is a question of generation gap, of younger people not knowing proper conduct in public, or worse, not caring enough to pay attention to it even if they do know it. Me? I'm 22 years old, but that does not give me the right to be a douche bag.
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1-31-2009 @ 2:09PM
shwerb said...
Dear Addict -- Having had far too many movies ruined by the constant "very quiet whispers" of nearby people, I'd like to disavow you of your misguided conclusion that such whispering is okay. It's not. It's really no less obnoxious than any of the other noise disturbances others have described on this board. And if that's how you conduct yourself at the movies, can you please let us all know of your movie-going plans so I can be sure to avoid being in the same theater as you?
1-31-2009 @ 5:08PM
The Addict said...
So I guess everybody's definition of "very quiet whispers" might vary. My definition is "so quiet that the person next to you can hear, but the people in front, behind, and next to that person next to you cannot." I do not condone constant chatter either, that's what The Rocky Horror Picture Show's for. I mean the veeeeeery occasional quick comment that does not turn into a dialogue.
Granted this has snowball potential, but I think a very controlled, very quiet whisper as per my definition is okay.
1-31-2009 @ 12:15PM
AndyIII said...
Well Done!
And theater owners wonder why more and more people are watching movies at home.
Reply
1-31-2009 @ 1:21PM
Jason said...
Because 50+ inch HDTV's have dropped to the price point where most people can afford them and most theatre owners haven't upgraded or done much maintenance on their equipment since the day they opened their doors?
Oh, plus at home I can buy a DVD and order a pizza for less than it would cost for me my wife and kid to go to the theater and have a small pop and one snack each?
1-31-2009 @ 2:27PM
AndyIII said...
Yeah, plus your odds of getting into a fist fight go down quite a bit...depending on your relationship with your family.
1-31-2009 @ 12:08PM
shadowracer said...
Right on Scott.
See this is why I don't go on opening day or to evening showings for films of any sort.
You go at 12pm on a Saturday and unless it's a children's movie you're almost guaranteed no annoyances.
Too bad you guys don't have an Alamo Drafthouse nearby. They kick your ass out for that that kind of behavior. Wish they would upgrade their screens though.
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1-31-2009 @ 12:20PM
cubitfox said...
Hardly could get through seeing the Dark Knight a second time without star-wars-shirt wearing douche bags quoting everything Heath Ledger says. "Wanna see a magic trick?" YES, we know that's funny, we don't need you to repeat it and every other line he says! I also had the problem where after I had asked them to stop talking, they made spite noise.
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1-31-2009 @ 12:26PM
killer_twinkie said...
When I went to go see My Bloody Valentine the girl next to me kept on saying O-M-G. I wanted to slap her. Don't use text speak in everyday language.
My worst experience though was when I saw Spider-man 3. I was next to 3 big gangster looking guys and they were so loud that I couldn't pay attention to the movie at all. I didn't want to say anything though. I had a terrible time and thought maybe the movie just felt like shit because of them. Turns out I was wrong but I didn't realize it until after spending more money on the movie.
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1-31-2009 @ 1:03PM
ThePlaylist said...
God, that's the worst. I had some guy talking behind me/repeating all the lines of Pineapple Express when i saw it. i wanted to turn around and stab him.
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1-31-2009 @ 12:35PM
George McBain said...
Movie theater etiquette has gone steeply downhill every year it seems ... that is why I have stopped going pretty much altogether. I make an exception for the movies I REALLY want to see (Dark Knight, Watchmen, The Wrestler), otherwise I wait until it is released on video.
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1-31-2009 @ 12:39PM
Jay Kerr said...
I used to be polite when it came to morons like you experienced but now I'll stand up and yell at them if they are being idiots, then call over a manager. They will always give you free tickets.
I had this happen when a birthday party walked in late during a film. I was livid as the staff was talking during the film to seat people.
I love the comment about people texting during a film. I attend TIFF every year and can't believe when people start texting or twitting during a film that costs $20 to screen.
Why do these audience members come to see a film in the first place?
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1-31-2009 @ 1:10PM
MCW said...
A high-end theater that just opened in Charlotte, NC has a curfew... after a certain time, no one under 21 gets in, to those complaining about horrible teenaged movie goers.
This theater also serves beer, and has a restaurant inside.
They picked a horrible time to open a high-end theater, but what are you gonna do...
Reply
1-31-2009 @ 2:33PM
Erin said...
We have a curfew at the theater I work at, except we're definitely not high-end. No one under 17 is allowed to see any movie after 8pm unless they have a parent or guardian with them. I love turning them away when I'm selling tickets. It also lowers the amount of complaints we get and the amount of free tickets or refunds we have to give out.
Some of my coworkers love it when customers complain about annoying jerks because it gives us something exciting to do. Night shows are when the stupid people come out, so if you want to see a movie opening weekend, I highly recommend going to a matinee show. The stupid people are in less quantity then.