Triple Feature: Absolute Worst Summer Vacation Destinations

"Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language" wrote the novelist Henry James. But Mr. James was not a fictional character in a cinematic universe, where even the most innocent, idyllic setting can quickly turn into a battle for survival.

In recent years, we've learned from films like Hostel and Turistas that simply being young, attractive and stupid is enough to get you captured, tortured, and even have your organs stolen. That any road trip with your friends is likely to end in someone being burned alive. And that an activity as seemingly wholesome as camping will end with a single surviving member of the party running through the woods clad only in a tank top, her friends' blood, and a sheen of photogenic sweat.

No matter where you decide to vacation, odds are good that your cell phone won't work, you'll be stranded miles from the nearest gas station, and the only law enforcement you'll encounter will either be an inbred yokel or a member of the extended family of mutants who prey on idiots like yourself. Face it -- from the moment you start planning your vacation, your days are numbered.


Yes, any and all vacations, the movies tell us, are open invitations to bloodthirsty maniacs, sexually deviant hillbillies, and murderous freakazoids. But some places are even worse bets than others when it comes to choosing an ideal vacation spot. You'd be wise this summer to avoid these three seemingly bucolic travel destinations:

Androscoggin River, Maine (Movie: Prophecy) Because of the pollution from textile and paper mills, this river was one of the sites so toxic that it helped to inspire the federal Clean Water Act. So what does that mean to you, Joe and Josephine Vacationer? It means no swimming or fishing. But more importantly, it means ... mutant bears.

Sure, the local Indian tribe will tell you it's "Katahdin," a vengeful forest spirit who's merely come to exact payback on some loggers. But really, it's the mercury deposits in the water, and it's turning grizzly bears into slimy, wrongside-out killing machines -- which are a serious buzzkill for any family outing.





Amity Island, Massachusetts (Movie: Jaws) Nothing spoils a carefree beach trip like a giant shark biting people in half. Especially when the mayor refuses to warn anyone of the danger for fear of losing tourist dollars, and the police chief is off getting drunk with a twitchy, bearded marine biologist and a rum-soaked fisherman.

Plus, it's hard to get a refund from your credit card company when your reason for cutting your trip short is "fear of evisceration by ginormous sea-beast."





Los Alamos, New Mexico and environs (Movie: The Hills Have Eyes) First of all, it's the desert. So it'll be suffocatingly hot, the landscape will be riddled with scorpions, and once the sun goes down you run the risk of freezing to death. Then you'll stop at one of those general stores run by a crazy old coot whose sole job is to give misinformation to chuckleheads like yourself, so you'll end up driving out into the middle of nowhere where your car will break down.

But that's not even the worst part. The entire area, every nook, cranny and rocky out-cropping, is populated by homicidal mutants who'll rape your wife and eat your dog. Seriously ... don't ever drive through New Mexico.