The Geek Beat: The Girls of Summer 2009

My disappointment with X-Men Origins: Wolverine was rather legendary around these parts, and while I'll always have a soft spot for Hugh Jackman and his claws, I'm kind of broken when it comes to this franchise. Considering it disappointed me so badly in its depiction of the Ol' Canucklehead, it should come as absolutely no shock that I seethed with its version of Silver Fox. Now, Silver Fox had an iffy incarnation in the comics anyway -- she wore a feather headband so we knew she was an Indian -- and later was retconned into a mutant who was as mind-warped as Wolverine, and wanted to kill him, as all Marvel characters do.

After a nightmarish storyline, Silver Fox was eaten by a tree (I think) and recently retconned into a memory Wolverine doubted he ever really had. (I wish it was that easy for the rest of us, Logan.) I tell you this because it's difficult to actually write anything that's worse, but Wolverine nearly did. (I say nearly because come on ... eaten by a tree?) The movie cast Silver Fox as a mutant who had the power of convincing people of things (I think) and mainly served to betray Logan, and give him something to half-heartedly rage about. She also gave him a syrupy origin story for his nickname, effectively stripping it of all badassery. Sigh. What's sad is that, despite her cheesy buckskin dress and feather, the comics' version of Silver Fox had glimmers of a badass. There's a nice little one-off where Wolverine reminisces about a dog the happy couple once owned. "He came home foaming at the mouth. My girl told me to shoot him, but I couldn't do it ... so she took the rifle and did it herself." Now that would have been a love interest worth seeing, and given Logan something known as "depth of character."

But let's move on to Star Trek. One of the characters I was most anxious to re-meet in J.J.Abrams' reboot was Lt. Uhura. Smart, pretty, and as capable as Kirk, she was a hero to girls no matter what their skin color. While I thought Zoe Saldana definitely captured the brains and spark, I agreed with my colleague Dawn Taylor that the girls of Trek were shortchanged. I didn't see Uhura as an easy lay, but it was disappointing that she mainly served as The Love Interest this time around, but I think there's plenty of potential for kick-assery in films to come. Besides, at least she had things to do other than pose provacatively like Megan Fox in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I just discovered Fox's character had a name: Mikaela. I just thought she was also playing a girl named Megan Fox to make it easier for the audience.

A similar problem dogged Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I adore Hermione, and as someone whose hand shot up in class straight through college (much to the disgust of one of my Snape-ish professors), I identify with her beyond all reason. But in a film centered around snogging, snogging, and more snogging, Hermione was left with little to do beyond cry over Ron Weasley and nag Harry about his Potions book. But the beauty of the Potter series is that the films do take time to deal with real teenage problems in the midst of witchcraft and wizardry, and you can't hold a little heartbreak against Hermione. She'll come back swinging -- and it's not as though the Potter films lack for serious female fierceness with Bellatrix Lestrange storming around. Gotta hand it to that Voldemort -- he's an equal opportunity employer.

While she didn't pack the firepower of EVE, I am tempted to do a repeat of last year, and give the top girl prize to Ellie of PIXAR's UP. PIXAR has taken a lot of flak this year for not featuring a female lead in any of their movies, something I haven't found the heart and stomach to really criticize them for. To me, PIXAR films are just imbued with what I'd call (and I can't believe I'm going to use a Dan Brown-ish term) a feminine principle. Behind every one of their male leads is an even stronger woman who strives to make the world a better place.

Toy Story and Toy Story 2 are cushioned in the love a single mom has for her children, and Jessie the Cowgirl outfeists Woody any way you look at it. A Bug's Life is about a community ruled by women (just like in nature!), and is saved not by a male ant, but by a communal effort. (Plus, little Dot and her all-girl Blueberry Troop are the ones who get the bird flying, remember?) Elastigirl of The Incredibles needs no defense, and it ain't a girl who needs rodent help in Ratatouille, it's the thick Linguini. EVE might be Wall E's love interest but come on, she's way more capable than he is, and it's nice to see the guy chasing the girl for a change. (Contrast Wall E with He's Just Not That Into You, and tell me which is more feminist.) So, while Ellie takes a backseat to Carl in UP, she is all over the film -- a gentle, but reassuring presence that an English Literature graduate could really spin into some kind of goddess motif. She had the answers to life long before Carl did and in true PIXAR tradition, she's has far more spark than he does even in childhood. So while I want to see PIXAR center a film on a heroine, it's not in the sense of "Our turn, already!" but to see how they can make a female-centric film sparkle since they've already done so well with their "secondary" female characters.

But when it comes to the top prize, I think I must hand "Coolest Girl(s) of Summer" it to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra which features Scarlett and Baroness in one movie. I must stress again that I haven't seen the film, but based purely on the online reviews, Twitter reactions, poster art, and Stephen Sommers' track record (The Mummy and Van Helsing offered up cool chicks, regardless of the films), I have to say, holy crap --
Baroness and Scarlett actually do stuff with guns. They don't just stand around and pout, but actually get some action time, a fair feat in a film with so many guys ready and willing to deliver the smackdown. If there's sequels, they might even get more time to kick ass. I like that. (I also like all the messages I've received begging me to dress as Scarlett, but that's another story.) It's such a shame no one's managed it a little earlier, or that each summer finds it in shorter and shorter supply.

However, I'd like this to be a community effort, and since I haven't seen Terminator: Salvation, I'd like to know how you'd rank the girls of summer. Did I give the top prize to the wrong set of chicks? Did Megan Fox deserve it? Perhaps I was too hard on Hermione Granger or Uhura. Give me your rankings and hey, if I come back from G.I. Joe and wonder what the heck I was thinking, we'll do another round and regift the prize.

In the meantime, my hopes for 2010 are pinned solely on Black Widow. Don't let me down, Scarlett Johannson. Don't let me down.