Potential Changes in the New Disney-Marvel
Filed under: Deals
Cinematical has just received this exclusive, leaked memo from the new Disney-centric Marvel. Of course, we cannot guarantee its authenticity.
August 31, 2009
Memo to all Current Marvel/Disney employees:
The following changes are to be made, effective immediately, concerning the nature, personality and behavior of some of the Marvel characters.
1. The Avengers will no longer be called The Avengers. This name suggests vengeance or revenge, which does not represent a healthy Disney attitude. The new name will be "The Befrienders."
2. Wolverine will no longer be allowed to drink beer or smoke cigars. Likewise, Iron Man will no longer drink martinis. Juice boxes are acceptable.
3. Kitty Pryde will now be played by Miley Cyrus.
4. Bruce Banner will no longer turn into the Hulk when angry. Now he will turn into the Hulk whenever he hears a certain tune. (Tune to be performed by Miley Cyrus.)
5. Captain America will become Captain World, because it is a small one, after all.
6. Sub-Mariner will be incorporated into any eventual Finding Nemo sequels.
7. The Silver Surfer will now ride a silver skateboard. Likewise, he will wear a backward baseball cap and baggy jeans with a flop of silver hair hanging over one eye. He must always be grinning, and he will make wisecracks.
8. Thor's excessively violent hammer will be replaced by a large, delicious Popsicle.
9. The Fantastic Four will be disbanded to gently distract from how closely they actually resemble The Incredibles. And, let's face it. The Incredibles was a much better movie than either of the Fantastic Four movies.
10. Spider-Man now required to clean up all used webbing from rooftops and subway cars.
Thank you for implementing these changes. If there are any objections, I suggest you take it up with our new Complaint Department. His name is Doctor Doom.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
8-31-2009 @ 7:07PM
School Bully said...
You're not funny.
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 7:11PM
bobby1423 said...
it really isnt funny cause whats scary that disney could pull that dumb shit off
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 7:25PM
IanP said...
C'mon, #9 was pretty funny.
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 8:12PM
Stephie said...
So, what else will we see from the Disney/Marvel merger?
Will we see Iron Man helping elderly ladies across the street and climbing up trees to retrieve stray cats, and will Doctor Strange become "Doctor Mildly Eccentric"?
I fear for the future of our favorite superheroes, folks.
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 8:13PM
madgamer said...
Some of them are funny, especially the ones that are conceivable. I could see them making a runaways/young x-men type movie with a bunch of their current Disney kids (if they actually got those rights from Fox which, as I understand, they didn't). Or even funnier, a video game/cartoon with Disney characters dressed as beloved Marvel characters. Picture Goofy in an Iron-man suit etc.
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 8:54PM
Nathan said...
I personally would like to see the Hulk change. Everytime I hear a Myley Cirus song, I feel like turning into a green monster and ripping apart half the city too!!
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 9:05PM
Thomas said...
Kingdom Hearts 3
Sora fighting along side Cloud and Spiderman!
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 9:46PM
Scott Weinberg said...
I think the whole article is funny. And I'm in charge! Mwaaahahaaaaa!
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 11:23PM
pottisher said...
doctor xavier's high school mutant musical
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 11:41PM
Tucker said...
Do I smell a Poochie reference? Awesome!
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 3:43AM
Paul said...
the scary thing is that number 3 could actually happen!
Reply
8-31-2009 @ 11:50PM
J said...
Man..........why couldn't Disney buy DC Comics?
: - (
You know Superman and they whole Justice League are making fun of Marvel right now. Thanks Disney.
I can already hear it, " Dude, lets go make fun of the Hulk. No matter what we say, he can't hit us, all he can do get mad. LOL".
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 5:44AM
Hayley said...
Add this one to the list:
Vanessa Hudgens will take on the role of Mystique because we all know how much she likes to get naked.
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 6:38AM
Valentine said...
didnt disney buy Doug? look what happened to that,no one even remembers him! RIP marvel...you will be missed.
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 7:28AM
BloodwerK said...
The "Finding Nemo" joke has already been used...
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 10:48AM
gs942002 said...
i know this is fake... but if this is real... i will kill everyone at disney.
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 10:55AM
Stunbunny said...
#11. Effective immediately, all men must be clean-shaven and keep their hair neatly trimmed and cut above the neck. This goes for Thor, Dr. Strange, Wolverine, Tony Stark, Mandarin, Kraven, Wendigo, Ka-Zar, Diablo, Puck, Sasquatch, Batroc, Sabretooth, Nightcrawler, Beast, etc. See Prince Namor, circa 1940, for acceptable appearance guidelines.
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 11:08AM
Ben said...
So while me and my friends were laughing our asses off at this we are completely afraid. One of my friends is a huge Deadpool fan and I think she'll wage war against Disney if they ruin him/his movie lol
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 3:12PM
Aleia said...
What the fuck.
Disney is shit.
Reply
9-02-2009 @ 5:03PM
bigrobino said...
Sounds like the Obama Administration and America's current relationship.
Reply