Harlan Ellison Recites "I Will Not Read Your F***ing Script," But Will Not Read Your F****ing Script
Filed under: Celebrities and Controversy, Scripts, NSFW
Attention, wannabe writers: Josh Olson won't read your f***ing script. Last week in the Village Voice, the History of Violence screenwriter posted an open diatribe against amateur writers who seek the counsel of professional scribes with script/outline/treatment in hand, an expletive-filled rant that caught on like wildfire on the interwebs. This week Olson's manifesto got an added boost from his friend, the notoriously cantankerous writer Harlan Ellison, who recorded a dramatic reading of the essay after it was adapted into Dr. Seuss-speak by writer Steve Jarrett:
"I will not read your f***ing script
I will not read it in a car
I will not read it in a bar
I will not have it in my house
I will not click it with my mouse
I will not read it here or there
I will not read it anywhere
I'd rather be tied up and whipped
Than have to read your f***ing script" – Excerpted from Steve Jarrett's "I Will Not Read Your F***ing Script"
[Above center, Olson and Ellison (along with Elvis Mitchell) at SXSW 2008. Photo by Jette Kernion.]
Jarrett whittled Olson's 1800-odd words on the subject down to four eloquent stanzas of verse that might have made Theodor Geisel himself proud. More importantly, it's easier and much more fun to read! Olson apparently liked the poem and asked Ellison to give it life in a recording. (But wait, Mr. Olson. How did Jarrett get you to read his poem?) Listen to Ellison's reading here.
All of which is just fine; professional writers have a right to defend the tools of their profession, their untarnished and verifiable original thoughts, as explained further in this insightful Olson defense by screenwriter David Gerrold. (He wrote the "Trouble with Tribbles" episode of Star Trek, so he knows a thing or two about the dangers of uninvited parasites.) But whether it's in rhyming verse or raging prose, what do you think of Josh Olson's rant? Should the guy accept every wannabe scribe's fledgling effort, or does he have point in declining to offer his thoughts and feelings about a potential, if unlikely future film script?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
9-15-2009 @ 4:52PM
Scott Nye said...
Olson may be a bit of an ass in the way he went about making his point, but there's no question that the point is made. He does mention that he helps out friends with their work (something very common in the industry, I'm told), just that he doesn't want to waste his time with people he barely knows. And damn straight. Life's busy enough as it is, and just reading a screenplay takes an hour or two, never mind giving feedback.
As someone at Hollywood Elsewhere pointed out, it'd be like asking a salesperson to sell your car for you after work.
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9-15-2009 @ 5:01PM
Jonathan Kuhn said...
I like what John August retweeted from someone: "Josh Olson - I don't buy oranges from strangers on the side of the road but also don't get out of my car and condescendingly tell them why."
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9-15-2009 @ 5:12PM
Mike said...
That's a good quote, too. Not knowing much else about Olson, I'm willing to cut the guy a break. One, because what he's saying is true. And two, because he was obviously pissed off when he wrote this. I would be too if I put in my time and did my best to be polite (if critical) only to be considered an asshole anyway.
Truth is, there are many more people out there who are kidding themselves about this sort of thing than there are genuine talents. I'm no professional, but I get irritated myself when I read something that demonstrates the author didn't do even the most basic of research on the craft.
9-15-2009 @ 5:11PM
Mike said...
I just want to add, this is exactly one reason why agencies and production companies don't accept unsolicited submissions. Most of what they'd read is shit.
9-15-2009 @ 5:21PM
TheDude said...
Well gee whiz Mike, seems to me that most of the scripts that end up on-screen are shit too. What's your point? That somehow agencies and production companies are better off because they only accept *solicited* shit? Good one.
9-15-2009 @ 5:40PM
Mike said...
Hey, I don't disagree that most of what ends up onscreen is shit too. But a lot of times that may be after the producers tinker with it. It's not always a reflection of the original script.
But sure, working screenwriters can also churn out shit. My point was simply that the vast majority of screenplays are shit, so why would the people with power wanna take a chance on someone without a reputation?
9-15-2009 @ 5:50PM
TheDude said...
Screenwriters are no more or less complacent than anyone else in the Hollywood food chain. Sticking with a reputation and what's known is part of what's wrong with the whole system. The whole "re-imagining" brain fartage that's become so popular is a good example of this. My point is that you're never gonna find new talent if you don't LOOK for new talent and give it a chance. Good writing is good writing.
9-15-2009 @ 5:22PM
TheDude said...
I'm sure the signal to noise ratio is very high and that it can get annoying to have people push their writing on you, but everyone has to start somewhere. Even people like Olson and Ellison.
Josh Olson, get over thyself.
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9-15-2009 @ 6:15PM
Brad C. Hodson said...
Well, the high amount of shit getting made aside (and make no mistake, it's incredibly high), most "writers" out here in LaLa Land (and I use the quotes for a reason) don't have even a basic understanding of grammar, let alone the proper format of a screenplay. After having a hundred handwritten and illegible scripts with horrendous dialogue shoved into your hands and formatted like a poorly written short story, it's all too easy to see why someone like Olson would refuse to ever look at another amateur script again.
And, let's face it: if you're rushing up to a screenwriter with your script in hand and thrusting it into his face asking for advice, you are likely NOT a good writer. A good writer will have taken the time to understand the etiquette involved in the business, and the way business itself is done. A good writer will also have some modicum of confidence in his ability and likely not need Olson to pat him on the back, as well. A bad writer, however, will accuse someone like Olson of being dick if they say anything aside from "This is genius! I'm going to pass it on to my agent! You are absolutely brilliant!"
Asshole? Yeah. Justified? Probably.
Either way, movies still suck these days...
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9-15-2009 @ 8:11PM
Stan Winsome said...
You know you're a real ahole when Harlan Ellison is literally singing your praises. He's the very definition of the embittered writer. Just enough success to be smug, not enough success to be one for the ages...
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9-16-2009 @ 3:07AM
Mike D said...
The message is accurate; the vitriol is unnecessary. Noted musician Aldous Snow, when asked to hear a fan's cd, once made the same point more succinctly, though the context was a bit different:
Matthew: I have a question for you real quick. What did you
think of my demo? Did you get it?
Aldous: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just
carried on living my life.
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9-16-2009 @ 1:07AM
Steven said...
Congress should censure him.
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9-16-2009 @ 1:48PM
Chet said...
Anyone who's had repeated impositions upon their professional skill should understand exactly where Olson is coming from and should harbor no resentment to the message or the way it was delivered.
And anyone who goes straight to a guru on a mountaintop without bothering to learn any of the basics from the massive array of free and cheap resources available DESERVES to be summarily knocked off the mountaintop and to tumble all the way down.
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9-16-2009 @ 2:10PM
Stephie said...
I would definitely like to learn the basics of screenwriting before I even thought about going to a "guru on a mountaintop", but my challenge is locating the resources necessary for me to learn the basics.
While there may be an "array of free and cheap resources" which would be necessary for me to become a good screenwriter, I don't know where they are, and I'm not sure where I should start looking.
Suggestions would be helpful -- and deeply appreciated -- at this point, so I'm open to them.
9-17-2009 @ 1:37AM
Chet said...
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+to+write+a+screenplay
9-18-2009 @ 7:23PM
joy said...
Just because there are shitty screenplays being produced doesn't mean if you write a shitty one, it'll get produced.
If you think the majority of professional screenwriters write crap, imagine how truly shitty the amateur ones are.
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