Cinematical Seven: October's Biggest Villains

In the spirit of trickery, malice and general darkness of the spirit, we're kicking off a month-long celebration of villains with a Cinematical Seven on the worst movie scoundrels you'll see in theaters this October. From traditional evildoers to rascals of the douche bag kind, these baddies will be responsible for raining down hell all month long. (Some of them are so evil, they're entire systems of evilness.) By the time Halloween comes 'round, you'll long for the days of a good old Michael Myers-style hack 'n slasher, because this batch of villains is out for more than just blood – they want your innocence, your attention, your bank accounts, your mom, and your fantasy fiction manuscripts.

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Movie: Capitalism: A Love Story (Oct. 2)
Villain: Capitalism/Corporate America

In his latest crusade/documentary, Michael Moore turns his lens on a familiar target: corporate America. Only this time, no tentacle of capitalist greed is left untouched. In his wide-reaching systematic take down, Moore attacks everything from Wall Street to the bail out to banking home foreclosure practices and beyond, concluding that yes, you should be scared. Very, very scared. After all, do you know if YOUR Fortune 500 employer has taken out life insurance policies on your feeble plebeian life?

Weapon of choice: Free enterprise

Read on for the rest of Cinematical Seven: October's Biggest Villains


Movie: Bronson (Oct. 9)
Villain: Charlie Bronson

The British call him a villain, Americans might call him an anti-hero; either way, career prisoner Michael Peterson (AKA Charlie Bronson) is one unsociable fellow. In director Nicholas Winding Refn's virtuoso portrait of the criminal, who still resides behind bars, Bronson (played deliciously by Tom Hardy) is a demented showman at heart who yearns to go down in history by making art with his God-given talents: his fists. After over three decades in over 100 prisons, Bronson has earned the title of Britain's most violent prisoner thanks to his penchant for activities like random beatings, hostage taking, and blackmail. Is he insane or just hungry for fame? (You know, like those girls on The Hills?)

Weapons of choice: His fists, his nudity, his charismatic charm. Did we mention the nudity?

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Movie: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (Oct. 16)
Villain: Tucker Max

The only thing more disturbing than the fact that Tucker Max's autobiographical book has been adapted into a film is that the book was a bestseller to begin with. How many misguided souls have bought into this sociopath's sordid tales of womanizing and general douche-baggery? The evil Tucker Max (played by Gilmore Girls actor Matt Czuchry) is a frat boy of the worst kind who leads his besties on an ill-fated bachelor party trip; diarrhea, vicious misogyny, rape jokes, and the tantalizing idea of dwarf sex ensue. Together, Max and Co. attempt to shock feminism back a few decades, but we won't let 'em, will we? Steel yourselves, Cinematicalites, and resist the siren call of Tucker Max and his jerk parade. The honor of the entire female race depends on it!

Weapon of choice: His ego

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Movie: The Stepfather (Oct. 16)
Villain: David Harris

In this Screen Gems remake of the 1987 horror flick of the same name (which starred LOST's Terry O'Quinn as the fearsome father figure) teenager Michael (Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley) comes home to find a seemingly nice man (Nip/Tuck's Dylan Walsh) shacking up with his mom (House's Sela Ward). As if sharing mom's bed wasn't evil enough, there's something sinister about David Harris; it might have something to do with his penchant for weaseling his way into broken homes and eliminating anyone who doesn't fit into his ideal family unit.

Weapons of choice: Knives, neckties, hooking up with your mom (Yuck!)



Movie: Law Abiding Citizen (Oct. 16)
Villain: The criminal justice system

In F. Gary Gray's Law Abiding Citizen, a brilliant prisoner (Gerard Butler) orchestrates a series of revenge killings from behind bars. But is our Gerry the bad guy? Or are they the killers who murdered his wife and child? Or the morally-tainted D.A. (Jamie Foxx) who let them off with a plea deal? Or is the real villain...the entire criminal justice system??? (If in doubt, it's probably safe to say the culprit is the film's screenwriter, Kurt Wimmer.)

Weapon of choice: Lenient plea bargains

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Movie: Saw VI (Oct. 23)
Villain: Jigsaw

Technically, Jigsaw died three movies ago. But not even death can keep this guy down! Assisting Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) in continuing his legacy of "testing" victims with torture traps and moral quandaries is the secretly twisted Lieutenant Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor), now revealed to be the killer's latest protégé. As Hoffman carries on in bloody Saw tradition – using a carousel of death and something called the "Steam Room" – the filmmakers promise we'll finally learn what Jigsaw was all about. Keep an eye out for the return of Jigsaw's lovely assistant Amanda Young (Shawnee Smith), who's set to show up in flashbacks.

Weapons of choice: The Carousel Room, the Steam Room, a head squeezing trap, and other as-yet unrevealed and delightful contraptions

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Movie: Gentlemen Broncos (Oct. 30)
Villain: Ronald Chevalier

Imagine that you're a socially-awkward aspiring writer who dreams of one day getting your fantasy fiction novella published. (What's that? You don't have to imagine it? Oh...right.) Anyway, you've got this awesome story about an interstellar space fighter that you submit to a contest at the best writers' camp in the state, only months later it turns out that bestselling science fiction and fantasy author Dr. Ronald Chevalier (Jemaine Clement) has stolen your story and published it as his own. Dr. Ronald Chevalier, the man who wrote such genre classics as Cyborg Harpies and Brain Cream!! What can you possibly do to get back what is rightfully yours -- and from a man as dashingly handsome and cultured and accomplished in the arts and sciences as he?

Weapon of choice: Plagiarism

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BONUS!

Movie: Night of the Demons (Oct. 9)
Villain: The cruel passage of time

No discussion of the evils of this October's offerings would be complete without a mention of Adam Gierasch's Night of the Demons, a remake of the 1988 cult classic about a party full of teenagers transformed one-by-one into supernatural creatures. But the true villain here isn't demonic contamination; it's time. Cruel, cruel time. Because the stars of this low-budget sex 'n' gore romp are some of our favorite stars of yesteryear: Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie)! Monica Keena (Dawson's Creek)! And – brace yourself – Edward Furlong (Terminator 2: Judgment Day)! (See image below.) Even Michael Copon seemed headed for bigger things back when he was on One Tree Hill.

Weapon of choice: Waning celebrity, desperation