The Top Five Reasons Not to See 'New Moon'

Fellow Cine-mite Peter Hall would have you believe that there are five good reasons to see New Moon. Don't believe the hype. You'll be doing yourself, and all of humanity, a huge favor by saving that money and channeling it into the economy in a far more beneficial way. Like buying an ice cream cone for a stranger or adopting a kitten. I'm going to give you five reasons why you need to steer clear of New Moon, and those pitchforks and torches that Peter was having you get ready might come in handy if you're a Twi-hard, because you aren't going to like this.

These Aren't Vampires. Or Werewolves, For That Matter

Creatures of the night. The undead. Nightwalkers. Nosferatu. Dracula. These are vampires, and they sure as hell don't sparkle in the sunlight. In fact, sunlight makes them burst into giant gouts of flame. They have fangs, an aversion to garlic and silver, no reflections, and they can't come into your house unless invited. Plus, you kill them by staking them through the heart or cutting their head off. They don't sit around looking emotional and pining for their loved ones. If mankind ever had a mortal enemy, it's a vampire. Not whatever Edward Cullen and his Flock of Seagulls haircut is.

And while I'm on the subject, werewolves are beasts who are slaves to the cycle of the moon. They can't control when they wolf out, and they don't sit around breakfast tables eating giant muffins. Plus you take them out with silver bullets, not by refusing to date them. Jacob is no werewolf, he's just a guy who loves running around without a shirt on and feeling angsty about Bella. We want our other creatures of the night back in style, not in denim jean shorts. Give a listen to Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London," and wonder where the werewolf cool went in this movie.



You Don't Subscribe To Tiger Beat

Chances are you're not a 13-year-old girl reading this article right now. That demographic is probably out watching this movie while brazenly ignoring these five facts. They're also bringing with them the "squee" factor. Squee is a new word that means "a term to express cute overload," and if you were at Comic-Con this year or last year, you would have heard droves of teen and pre-teen girls squee-ing their hearts out whenever Robert Pattinson so much as flared a nostril.

That same noise also carries over into the theater, and it does not make for a pleasant movie-going experience. Mark my words, if you ignore these facts and see this movie anyhow, when Taylor Lautner strips his shirt off, you're going to hear so much shrieking that you'll think you're at a Beatles concert. Between the shrieks, squees, and awwwwwws, you'll be lucky to hear any of the dialogue. Which is actually only a shame during the pseudo-date, where they watch a movie called Face Punch, and it has terrific fake dialogue (this was the highlight of the movie for me... a scene that you hear, but don't see).



Bella Is A Spoiled Brat

The movie opens with Bella telling everyone not to fawn over her 18th birthday, while she collects cool gifts from Dad (sweet digital camera!) and the Cullen crew (sweet sound system for her truck!). Then shortly afterwards she becomes the poster child for depression after Edward leaves her. There are scenes of her staring depressed off into the distance (at school, at home, in the woods), scenes of her waking up screaming from nightmares about Edward, and they're usually accompanied by an extremely maudlin soundtrack.

Eventually you'll start feeling depressed yourself and wondering how you can reclaim these two hours and ten minutes of your life. When she's just about done feeling sorry for herself about Edward, she expertly manipulates Jacob into becoming a replacement Edward, while also agreeing to go date with Mike that leaves him feeling like a chump. This girl needs some disciplining.



Edward is Annoying

Edward's main skill doesn't seem to be slipping into the shadows or gliding through the night. No, he's much better at slow-motion strolls across the parking lot at high school, bouncing his "Hey, I just woke up and wow my hair looks this good" hairdo in the process. Like Derek Zoolander, the one look he seems to have mastered is "smoldering," while he struggles with the rest of his emotions. Constantly. It's painful to watch him attempt to smile or find anything else within his range. Vapid seems like it might be almost within his reach, but that wouldn't allow him to furrow his brow and stare daggers into things ... usually Bella.

The reason True Blood works so well as a story is because Vampire Bill is charismatic. You want to know the guy, hang out with him, and have him as a buddy. Edward seems like the hipster d-bag that just showed up at a local club thinking he'll instantly be hailed as the messiah among women. If this guy was even remotely charming, if would be a different story. It's just too bad he turned out to be someone who seems like an undertaker. Not a barrel of monkeys, this guy.



You Saw Twilight

If you saw Twilight, then that's the best reason I can give you to skip New Moon. Unless you're a fan of mopey girls, scowling posers, a soundtrack that should come with a bottle of Valium, wooden acting, and sparkling vampires (yes, there's more sparkle in this movie, despite what you've heard. In fact, it becomes one of the key plot points), then you need to abandon ship on this one. Even CGI faux-wolves and a bigger budget can't save it, and you're left with a movie that closely resembles the first one: emo teen semi-loner loves vampire and struggles with life. That's still what happens here.

When I saw the original Twilight at a press screening, there were audible groans from the audience at times, and laughter at moments that weren't meant to be funny. Remember when Bella walks into the classroom, and Edward reacts like he's just smelled a used diaper full of Indian food? The audience guffawed at that. There are even more moments like both of those in the sequel. Spare yourself the pain and rent a movie or read a book instead. Just not a Twilight book. Use this time to bone up on The Lovely Bones novel before that movie comes out.

If you're still on the fence about seeing it, I'll just sum up Bella's emotional ride for you: "Edward loves Bella. Bella loves Edward. Edward leaves Bella. Bella gets sad. Jacob loves Bella. Bella kind of likes Jacob. Edward's back. Bella loves Edward. The End." There, I just saved you ten bucks.