Cinematical

Well friends, if you ever needed more evidence that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas, look no further than this week's new movies. Yep ... there's an Ocean's three-quel, a Hostel sequel and another freakin' penguin movie.

Just in case you've missed all the hype that these stars and the studio have been spewing forth ... George Clooney, Brad Pitt, the other 11 and a new one hit the screen this weekend in Ocean's Thirteen.

In this installment, Danny Ocean and his group of con men head back to Vegas try to pull off their most ambitious and riskiest heist yet. This time it's to take down a casino owner, played by Al Pacino, who snookered their mentor and friend played by Elliot Gould.

The Reel Deal: If you enjoy the caper movies and it just makes you feel good to keep padding these guys wallets...then party down with Oceans 13. It's a harmless enough movie ... not great, not horrible, but me? ... I like these guys individually but together they just seem like one big Smuggy McSmartypants, and this movie feels like Ocean's 113. For what it's worth, I took Hippie Assistant Matt (HAM) to see the movie, and he loved it. But I'm pretty sure he was baked, so there you go. He's in; I'm out.

So is it just me, or is the summer movie season off to a crappy start? Oh the numbers are big with both 'Spider-Man 3' and 'Shrek 3' breaking box office records, and 'Pirates 3' is sure to do some record busting of its own. But aside from 'Shrek 3' (which I liked a lot), 'Spider-Man' got caught in his own web of emo B.S. and 'Pirates 3' ... just blows. But I'm not giving up the ship just yet (or limiting my high expectations to indie fare). I have super high hopes for 'Knocked Up' and I actually think that 'Transformers' might rock the house.

But in the meantime, matey, here's my take on this weekend's wide releases. Oh, but first ... What do Captain Jack Sparrow and Colin Farrell have in common? They're both searching for booty!! (Ba-dum ching!) And what do you call a pirate who poses for Playboy? A Play-matey! Thanks, I'll be here all week.

OK, here we go. Yes, that's right, the much anticipated finale of the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' series sails into theaters.

(Announcer voice) Last time on 'Pirates' ... If you remember, at the end of 'Pirates 2,' Lord Cutler stole Davy Jones' heart and Captain Jack was sent to Davy Jones' locker at the end of the world. Now, Captain Barbossa, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann lead the crew of the Black Pearl to the world's end to rescue Jack Sparrow and to find the Pieces of Eight to reunite the Pirate Council of Nine to fight against Cutler, Jones and the entire East India Trading Company armada.

Last weekend's poor opening of Grindhouse was a bit of a surprise to many of us in the "biz." It seemed like a can't-miss proposition: a horror movie + Rose McGowan with a machine gun leg + two well known, popular directors. So why didn't the masses show up? I have a theory.

For one thing, the vast majority of today's moviegoers (teenagers) don't give a s**t about pedigree. Quentin Tarantin-who? Robert Rodrig-what? For the people who are actually spending the money at the box office, who directed the movie is meaningless.

Moviegoers are also apparently not big on the "retro bulls**t." I live with a couple of teenagers and getting them to think back to 2002 is almost impossible. To get them excited about a horror knock-off from the '60s and '70s ... I might as well be talking to them about their SAT scores. Plus, the violence ante has been raised to such a degree that fake-looking blood and zombie violence will no longer do. We need to see brutality and torture that looks so real that maybe it is.

It's rare that anything I see at the movies these days strikes me as profound, groundbreaking or revolutionary. I've been watching a lot of movies for a very long time. Visually, things have changed over the years. But it always comes back to the story, doesn't it? 300 is a movie that pushes the boundaries of conventional movie-making. And the story was OK, too. So we watch it and think, "Wow, that's pretty f**king cool." But if the story completely sucked, the movie wouldn't be nearly the smash hit it is.

So I went to see Meet The Robinson's at the famous El Capitan theater in Hollywood. My first thought when the movie started playing was, "Wow, this is pretty f**king cool looking." At about 600 hundred theaters across the country, the movie is shown in Disney Digital 3-D (yes, glasses and all). As I started getting roped into the movie about the orphan kid and his friend, I thought, "I really like these characters, and this is pretty f**king cool looking."

As I continued to watch the movie, I was totally engrossed. And I was aware that I was totally engrossed. (As a movie "reviewer" you actually start to monitor your own reactions. I know, it's a bit creepy and droid-like). I thought to myself, "This movie is totally fun and I love the characters, but why the hell am I so into it?"

Well kids, first let me congratulate you ... you did it. Redemption is yours as 300 is a huge hit. But, I see a relapse comin on as I fear many of you will make the same mistake I did ... thinking Chris Rock is still funny.

Chris Rick isn't funny anymore, and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's partly because he thinks that the jokes he told ten years ago and recycles today are as funny and edgy as they were then. I think it's partly because he laughs the hardest at his own jokes. I think it's partly because the comedians working today are much more edgy so it makes it harder for him to stand out. Maybe it's because he spends more time producing now and less time developing as a comedian. Well, whatever it is, all I know is that until he shows me something new, I'm out. Speaking of out, let's talk about his super lame new movie.

Yes, he directs and stars in I Think I Love My Wife.

Rock plays a high powered investment banker with a beautiful wife and wonderful children. But he's not getting any at home and he fantasizes about pretty much every other woman he sees. And when the lovely Nikki (played by Kerry Washington) pursues him, will he be able to keep it in his pants?

The reel deal, this movie is SOOOOO not funny ... or well written ... or directed ... or acted. It's like he took a bunch of stand-up jokes and tried to edit them into a movie. And guys, if you're dopey enough to take your wife or girlfriend to see this movie ... and she's laughin' ... she's SOOO not laughin'. If she is, it's that "You ain't getting any for a couple week" sort of laugh. You know what I'm sayin'? I'm Out.

First, let me thank everyone for submitting names for Hippie Assistant Matt. I'm kinda partial to DoobieBoy at this point. The interesting thing is the vast majority of you who submitted a name for him sent it to my email address at mrmoviefone@aol.com. That's OK, but if you want to comment on anything we write here, try to do it on the blog post. That way others can see and enjoy your fun and inappropriate remarks : )

Friends, I've been concerned about you. Some of you have been very sick with a bad case of INeedToSeeAShittyMovie-itis. You, the American moviegoer, have made Norbit, Ghost Rider, and Wild Hogs the No. 1 movies at the box office. I accept your apology because I'm sure you are going to redeem yourselves by making 300 the No. 1 movie this weekend. 300 ROCKS! And if you don't go see it IN THEATERS, then don't even try to call yourself a moviegoer. After you go see it, let me know what you thought of it and whether or not you would recommend it to your friends.

I want to give a big shout out to my friends Spencer, Jenny and Adam, the morning show DJs at KJEE in Santa Barbara, Calif. After losing an Oscar bet to them, I agreed to do a personal appearance at the station, so I spent the morning on their show. First, if you've ever been to Santa Barbara, you know it's one of the most beautiful places on earth. It's a small beach town with all the advantages of the big city. And home to one of the biggest party schools in the country. But one of its biggest assets is the local rock station KJEE. Although I must say that being in their studio was a little like being in the studio of Wayne's World after Mom and Dad had pulled the funding (get some friggin' air conditioning). Now these guys (and gal) were well prepared for my visit and had me doing all sorts of crap I wouldn't normally do (it was part of the bet ... I had to do what they wanted). I think the high point for me -- and the listeners -- was going through the McDonalds drive through in the KJEE van and ordering breakfast: "for a sausage McMuffin with egg, press oooone." We attracted quite a crowd, most of whom were in cars behind us and wanted to kill us. We also got thrown out of a SuperRalphs, which is a story too humiliating to tell. But let it be said that KJEE ROCKS! You should all be so lucky to have such a cool station in your town.

So kids, please don't let me down. Redeem yourselves and go see 300 this weekend. It's the kind of movie that was made for the big screen. And then let me know what you think. Have a great weekend and I'll see you at the movie!

(And don't forget to watch the latest edition of 'Reel Deal'!)

HIPPIE ALERT!!

Enter Hippy Assistant Matt. A wise man once told me that when looking to hire someone, you'll have just as much luck finding a good employee by just snagging the third person you see off the street, as going through a lengthy interview process. I've had many employees over the years, some good some bad. But I learned a long time ago that the person you get in the interview, isn't necessarily the same person you get on the job. So I thought what do I have to lose, I would put the theory to the test. I stood outside my office building and literally offered the job to the third person I saw, a CRAZY ASS HIPPIE! Now by looking at him, he probably doesn't strike you as "executive assistant" material. He probably reminds you of the guy you buy weed from. He seems happy to have the job (or have A job period), he's super easygoing (to the point of almost being in a coma), and I think I can trust him (as far as I know he hasn't stolen anything from me yet). But best of all ... HE LOVES MOVIES! And the beautiful thing is that our tastes in movies are different enough that he will add a whole new perspective (he was crushed that Clerks II was not nominated for an Oscar).

So you will be seeing and hearing more from H.A.M. -- on Moviefone, on the radio, and more. Please feel free to give him as much s**t as you want. He seems to take it well (either that or he's so baked he doesn't understand what I'm saying). Whatever the case, he and I want to hear from you. Whether you want to shoot the s**t about the movies or anything else, we look forward to hearing your opinions.

Oh ... and there is one thing I need your help with. I'm not sure I love the name Hippy Assistant Matt (I feel I have to name all my assistants ... like dogs). It's the first thing that came to me. It's OK ... but I look at him and think it could be so much better. Please take a close look at his picture and if you can think of a good name for him send it along. If I like your name better than mine, I'll send you "I Love Mr. Moviefone" T-shirts and boxer shorts. Then you can say that the only thing that comes between you and Mr. Moviefone is your underwear!