[By: Erik Davis, reprinted from 11/3/2007]

Part of my job involves watching every single movie trailer that comes down the pipeline, and, in most cases, writing about it. Thus, it pains me to keep hearing the same old voice-over lines from the guy with the deep voice. A comedian friend of mine named Jeff Sussman once did a bit on the movie trailer voice-over guy. In it, he speculated what it would be like to live with the movie trailer voice-over guy. Do all of his dinner conversations begin with "In a world ... where chicken cutlets and mashed potatoes come together ..."? It was a pretty funny routine, and Jeff had the voice down good. Unfortunately we lost Don LaFontaine (the legendary voice-over guy) recently, but there are still a host of guys with deep voices there to tease us at every turn with the same overly used lines again and again.

Well I'd like to take a stand today! No more of this! The following lines have been used in countless movie trailers, and I feel it's about time we officially retire them. From this day forward, I urge all of you to take a stand and help us ban the following lines of dialogue from showing up in future trailers. Think about the children, people! This one is for them ...

If you are the type of person who believes what you are told, then the release of James Gray's Two Lovers is probably your last chance to see Joaquin Phoenix 'the actor' before he takes the hip-hop world by storm -- but that's only if you believe what you've been told. For every person who is convinced that Mr. Phoenix has gone around the bend (and you can't blame them with footage like this floating around), you will find another person who thinks that the whole thing is a big hoax...and it wouldn't be the first time we've been taken for a ride by a celebrity. But until Casey Affleck releases that 'documentary' of his, we won't know for sure, and I decided it might be worthwhile to look at other Tinseltown hoaxes to remind us that you can't always believe what you read -- especially in Hollywood.

1. Stanley Kubrick Fakes the Moon Landing
It's been a popular conspiracy theory that the director provided most of the footage for the Apollo 11 and 12 Moon landings; and as the story goes, Kubrick was right in the middle of post-production on 2001: A Space Odyssey, when he was approached by NASA to create footage of a moon landing since his was so realistic. Over the years, most of these theories have been debunked, but defenders of the 'Kubrick connection' love to remind us that Kubrick later used lenses for Barry Lyndon that were developed by NASA -- which they say is the proof of payment for faking the lunar adventure.

After the jump: the birth of 'Bigfoot' and hoaxes that ended with hard time...

I wouldn't recommend actually sitting through Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen to anyone. But in the abstract -- after you've been through the horrifying experience -- there are parts of the film that are so bizarre that the whole thing starts to look like the work of some sick, Andy Kaufman-esque jokester genius. And then it becomes kind of interesting. I mean, some of this stuff can't be for real... Can it?

1. Megan Fox's first appearance. See above. That is the first shot of Megan Fox in the film, as she works on a motorcycle in her family's garage while taking a call from boyfriend Shia LaBoeuf. Makes sense, right? Or do you not typically mount your motorcycle in that fashion, wearing knee-high boots and denim hot pants, to do some body work? If not, why not? Hysterical -- though I have to say that Michael Bay's leering at Fox throughout the movie eventually becomes a little uncomfortable. And if you didn't think it was possible for a director to leer at his star with the camera, Revenge of the Fallen proves you wrong.

2. The enormous Bad Boys II poster in Sam's dorm room. If it just appeared on someone's wall at a point in the film, that would be one thing -- a little arrogant, but not really notable. That's not what happens here. The poster for Bay's Bad Boys II -- presumably belonging to Sam's motormouth techie roommate -- is enormous, and fills the screen on at least two occasions. The self-regard is astounding. Has a director ever put in product placement for his other work in a movie before?

3. The obsession with things humping other things. It doesn't really matter what things. First, we see dogs going at it. Why? Because humping dogs are funny, that's why. Then, later, a miniature decepticon grinds against Megan Fox's leg. Why? I have no earthly idea. I guess Bay or his producers thought this would amuse someone, somewhere. Gotta spend $200 million somehow.

he Hurt Locker opens this week, and one of the most remarkable things about this remarkable war movie is that it plays more like a gut-busting Sam Fuller/Don Siegel WWII action film than it does one of today's somber, navel-gazing, message-driven war films. Perhaps even more remarkable -- though it's sad that it has to be so remarkable -- is that director Kathryn Bigelow is a woman, out-shooting most of today's male directors. But thankfully she's not the only one to give men a run for their money in guy-oriented genres.

1. Near Dark (1987, Kathryn Bigelow)
Bigelow has already racked up an impressive career of male-bonding films of all genres. Most of them are underrated gems or cult films, and I like all of them, but this vampire film is my favorite (though, technically, the word "vampire" is never used in the film). It was one of the first films to remove the classic gothic setting and place the bloodsuckers in the modern-day American west, among the denim-clad rednecks, neon bars and pickup trucks. It's relentlessly violent and sometimes disturbing but at the same time it knows how to pause for moments of glorious beauty and even a touching love story.

Let me make this clear: when I say that I'm compiling a list of the most contrived rom-com scenarios, I'm not saying that they're automatically the worst -- although a glance at the titles doesn't exactly stray far from that correlation. Tomorrow's The Proposal finds Sandra Bullock forcing Ryan Reynolds into marriage for the sake of holding off immigration authorities and keeping her/their jobs (I guess it's not too soon to remake Green Card and Picture Perfect after all), so we're talking about seven plot points along those lines of high-concept, close-quarters thinking, with some (dis)honorable mentions along the way...

Our pal Jason is having one hell of a big DVD day, with no less than six different releases dedicated to the masked masher. With that in mind, we dig up a piece from last February and reminisce over our favorite slasher's greatest hits.

To commemorate the re-re-reawakening of good ol' Jason Voorhees, I thought it'd be fun to toss out seven of my favorite kills from the hulking lunatic. And so I did. To find out if the new Friday the 13th has any kills worth considering, well, I guess you'll have to buy a ticket. Or wait for the DVD. Or cable.

Mark (Friday the 13th Part 2) -- This is where we learned that all bets were off: Not only would Jason gladly kill a good-looking handicapped guy who was about to get sexed up ... but he'd also give the wheelchair-bound lothario one of the series' most diabolical demises! Yep, poor Mark got a machete in the face before his wheelchair bounced (backwards!) down a giant staircase. Simple, creepy, effective.

Andy (Friday the 13th Part 3) -- Why would a guy spend his after-sex time walking around on his hands? So that Jason can chop him (downward!) from the groin to the ... I dunno really, but in a movie filled with cheesy FX and unconvincing kills, this one still comes off as impressively nasty. I was gonna go with "Jeff & Sandra's post-coital dual-skewer" scene, but the MPAA gutted most of that creativity.

Jack (Friday the 13th) -- Most hardcore fans would probably pick Annie (nasty throat slice) or Marcie (axe to the face!), but there's something about that hand popping up from beneath Kevin Bacon that always freaked me out. Plus the "arrow throat" gag works exceedingly well, whether you're watching the American version or the slightly messier UK edition.

I'm not certain when, exactly, my long-time fascination with trains was born, but it probably started the first time I walked through Union Station in Los Angeles, a cathedral dedicated to mass transit that opened in 1939. Opportunities to ride the rails were few and far between, so I treasured any chance to experience a train trip vicariously through the movies. Eventually I moved to New York and, still later, visited Europe, banking thousands of hours on all manner of subways and trains. Still, I've never had a personal train trip as thrilling as those I've enjoyed at the movies. With Tony Scott's The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 racing into theaters tomorrow, let's honor a few of the films that have provided terrific train thrills of the cinematic variety.

1. Runaway Train
The other movies on this list feature excellent scenes set on or around trains or subways (see also "Honorable Mention" and "Sensational Subway Scenes" after the jump) but Andrei Konchalovsky's thriller, based on a screenplay by Akira Kurosawa, spends the majority of its running time on a train speeding through the bitterly cold, snowy winter landscapes of Alaska. Jon Voight and Eric Robert are two hardened convicts who've broken out of prison and, by chance, happen upon the just-departing train. When the engineer suffers a heart attack, the cons are at the controls of an out-of-control beast they cannot hope to master.

2. Spider-Man 2
I'll dance around needless spoilers by saying there is a coda to the runaway train scene that caught me unaware, filled with grace and humanity. That elevates a very good, thrilling, fast-paced suspense sequence involving helpless passengers and the heroic, masked Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) as he fights Doc Ock (Alfred Molina).

Tattoos in the movies have a storied history, from the simple, classic LOVE/HATE knuckle tattoos in The Night of the Hunter to the slick and sexy additions to Angelina Jolie's existing body art in last summer's Wanted. Recent movies like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Eastern Promises have used tattoos to great effect; in Button, Captain Mike's homemade tattoos both referred to his life on the sea as a sailor, which in that era was the most visible tattoo population, and his own father's discouragement of his hopes of becoming an artist. Instead, he brings his art with him everywhere he goes. And Eastern Promises based its tattoos (hello, Viggo in his undies sipping a shot of vodka getting tattooed) on the heavily researched Russian tattoos and their different signifiers in the gangster underworld.

Unfortunately, most recent movies have the tendency to slap some crappy tribal on a character to make him or her seem more bad-ass, which, given the context of tattoos in the movies, is kind of understandable. But what's not is just how freaking terrible they are! Here are my personal picks of the worst ink spilled onscreen, plus a bonus mention for the most gorgeous tattoos in a movie, both in design and story use.

With never-ending zeal, Hollywood looks back to the good ol' days with remakes and re-imaginings. But it's always the plots; always the stories. What about the actors? If there was any way that looking to the past would be beneficial, it would be grabbing those actors of today and getting them to dip back into the roles of yesterday -- the gigs that made us love them, but were so soon forgotten or cast aside.

Between casting ruts and earnest attempts to foster specific career paths, actors all too often leave their well-loved roots in the past, becoming an entirely different sort of performer. Very rarely do we get glimpses of those early years, and as nice as it is to see glimpses of former glory in a skit that pops up on SNL or Funny or Die, it's not the same as a feature-length, starring gig.

What follows are seven actors and actresses who are ripe for a return to the past. Naturally, this is only the start of a very long list, so be sure to add your picks in the comments.