Cinematical Seven »

What's that old Klingon proverb again? I believe it's "Revenge is a dish best served cold." The proverb is meant as an admonishment to revenge seekers to use intellect and rationality and not passion and emotion in seeking vengeance. It's also not a Klingon proverb (it dates back several hundred years). When it comes to cinematic vigilantes, revenge is usually best served with blood-drenched, bone-crunching fury. The subject of today's Cinematical Seven, vigilantes on/in film, has been written to coincide with the release of Michael Caine's turn as a retiree-turned-cold-blooded vigilante Harry Brown (out on DVD/Bu-Ray today for your viewing pleasure).

First, we'll start with one bright-line rule: masked avengers, costumed superheroes won't appear anywhere in this Cinematical Seven. So no Batman, no V (as in V for Vendetta), no Kick-Ass, or any other vigilante who wears a cape and cowl (or a mask and costume) will appear on this list. By refusing to hide their faces behind a mask, non-costumed vigilantes are closer to the real world and, consequently, farther away from the fantasy world of masked crime-fighters like Batman or his many imitators.

We also won't count the expansive cops-turned-vigilantes sub-genre that kicked off the 1970s with Don Siegel and Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry. Cops in this sub-genre willfully break the law, usually tossed away with a glancing, derogatory mention of "legal technicalities," supposedly in the service of a higher, natural law. They, of course, get to decide (moral) right and wrong and act accordingly to the detriment of evildoers in their path, but again, it's the righteous (self-righteous?) non-law enforcement vigilante who I find offers the most to think and write about.

[Insert the usual "Spoiler Alert" before the jump.]

Eli Roth and Daniel Stamm's The Last Exorcism will arrive in theaters this weekend. Thanks to a generous friend, I was lucky enough to see Stamm's documentary-style horror a little early at the Toronto After Dark Film Festival last week, and as someone who has seen her fair share of horror films over the years, I have to tell you, I was pretty impressed.

The story about a crisis of faith and an exorcism gone wrong is a worthy addition to the genre, and after The Exorcist, this is probably one of the best films I have seen about casting out the big bad -- and that's thanks to the performances of the film's leads: Patrick Fabian and Ashley Bell. The film's structure gives these two actors the task of carrying the film and they do it with style and, more importantly, they create real characters and not just cannon fodder. Maybe it's just me, but that is what makes a horror movie performance great. I might not be a horror expert (well, I know my Argentos from my Fulcis) but what draws me into a horror flick is my caring about what is going to happen to the people on the screen. The basis of a believable (or a sympathetic) character is the responsibility of the actor -- and that brings me to today's Cinematical Seven; great performances in horror.

After I pitched my Cinematical Seven about films that might've slipped under the radar so far this year -- to tie in with today's DVD/Blu-ray release of The Square, an Aussie noir that I really dug at SXSW '09 -- I grew a little worried that David Ehrlich's list of "The 5 Best Films You've (Probably) Missed This Year" would beat me to the punch. However, only his pick of the wonderfully off-kilter Dogtooth overlapped with my own selections, so without any further ado, here's seven (more) movies to keep an eye out for.

1. The Good, The Bad, The Weird (now on DVD/Blu-ray) - As I wrote elsewhere... "From the trio of spot-on lead performances to the prevalence of practical stunts, from the relentlessly lush color scheme and period details to the often sweeping cinematography, not to mention the constantly energetic soundtrack, every last aspect is dedicated to making the most of this heady showcase of glorious excess, the bastard child of The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly and Kung Fu Hustle."

Alexandre Aja's remake of Joe Dante's killer fish cult classic, Piranha, hits theaters this weekend. While the plastic looking fish in Dante's film have low-fi appeal, Aja's remake brings the gory fish-capades to audiences in blood-thirsty 3D. Expect lots of boobalicious bikinis, blood, and B-movie appeal in this horror flick update.

While Piranha are nasty looking creatures by themselves, the thing that makes them so terrifying is that they work in groups. There can be more than a thousand fish in a single school of Piranha. Suddenly an attack by Jaws doesn't seem so agonizing. This got me thinking -- what kind of film would be more terrifying than one featuring a school of carnivorous fish? Are there groups, packs, and gangs of other kinds that could upstage the fiendish fish?

There have been dozens of films made about viruses -- essentially groups of infectious agents working together to kill a host -- like 1995's Outbreak or the zombie-esque 28 Days Later. We've seen packs of killer children in films like Children of the Corn and Village of the Damned, but where should filmmakers set their sights next? Find out who or what should really be ganging up on audiences after the jump.

One of the movies opening in theaters this weekend is Lottery Ticket, about a young man who finds out the ticket he bought is a huge winner. I love seeing what characters in movies do when faced with a sudden acquisition of wealth, whether it's from the lottery, an inheritance or ill-gotten riches. Few seem to enbark on a life of philanthropy -- it's always a good excuse to show off the vulgarity of the nouveau riche. The Beverly Hillbillies is the classic comic example of how funny it is to give millions of dollars to just plain folks, but Hollywood movies have a number of amusing instant rich people as well. Many characters do show their best selves when given a lot of money, too.

Here are seven fine examples of how movie characters have dealt with becoming millionaires, or at least a lot wealthier than they originally were. I thought I'd include more gold digging dames from the 1930s, but usually their "wealth" is someone else's credit line, not money of their own to spend. However, my very favorite example is at the end of How to Marry a Millionaire but I don't want to spoil it, so you'll have to find it for yourself. These are rather less spoiler-y examples.

Torontonian Scott Pilgrim was just minding his own slacker business in life, dating high schooler Knives Chau because "it's just simple." But then, while dreaming about his barren, lonely existence, a cute-goggled girl zips through his dreams and turns his world upside down. But she's not just a dream; she's real. She's Ramona Flowers. Through some wild bit of luck, Ramona agrees to date Scott, but there's just one problem. She's got seven evil exes that he must defeat. Not just fight, but defeat.

This is the premise for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, where video game surreality intermingles with the real world to send Scott Pilgrim out on a dangerous quest for love. Fitting six volumes of comics into 112 minutes is a daunting task, so to help you keep this whirlwind of exes straight, we've whipped up a little guide after the jump rife with characteristics, textual back story, and all you need to know about the Seven Evil Exes.

This week's release of Death at a Funeral on DVD and Blu-ray, a quick remake featuring African-American characters instead of British caricatures, and the upcoming theatrical release of Let Me In, an English-language remake of the terrific and very recent Swedish film Let the Right One In, are blunt reminders that it's never too soon to remake a movie, as long as you change the ethnicity and/or language of the original.

Rather than complain (again) about such remakes, I thought it might be helpful to suggest more movies that are ripe for remaking with the twist of racial reinvention. Remember, the idea is not to pick movies based on quality (or lack thereof), but on marketable concepts and under-performing box office (so no suggestions that Avatar should be remade with alien military forces taking over a Wall Street brokerage house where only Caucasians work). Additional points of honor for keeping the title but shortening it, a la Let Me In. Full disclosure: no prizes will be awarded and no wagering, please. Let's begin with my seven top picks.

1. Jennifer's Body
Scripted by Diablo Cody and directed by Karyn Kusama, this feminist drama masquerading as a horror film did not live up to box office expectations. Much of the criticism was leveled at Megan Fox who, it must be acknowledged, did her best. So why not let everyone's fantasies go wild with a quick remake starring Jennifer Lopez (Jennifer's Mother's Body?) and/or Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious; no questions about her acting ability, and the body image / reliance on men issues would come to the forefront). The possibilities are endless.

This week George Gallo's Middle Men opens in theaters, telling the story of the origin of internet porn, and how a few drug-addled ne'er-do-wells, some Russian gangsters, and one clear-headed "middle man" managed to make millions off of the horny men of America. It comes packed with hot girls (including a cameo by porn star Jesse Jane), nudity, sexy situations, and harsh language, and yet its ultimate theme seems to be the power and solidarity of family. Maybe there's something to this. Maybe once you dabble in the world of porn, and admit to doing it, you've opened yourself up. Your sexuality is on display, and you have nothing left to hide. Maybe this is just as healthy as belonging to a family. Let's see if Hollywood's other forays into the porn world fare as well:

1. Boogie Nights (1997, Paul Thomas Anderson)
Right here is another story of family and belonging told in the sleazy world of 1970s porn, sex and drugs. Burt Reynolds plays -- and received an Oscar nomination -- the porn king who assembles his cast and crew around him like nieces and nephews, showering them with love and support. It just doesn't get any more loving and accepting than when porn starlet Julianne Moore embraces the newcomer Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) on his first movie shoot, and asks him to come insider her (even though every porn fan knows that this is NOT the way to end a scene). [Note: co-star Heather Graham went on to play a porn star again in The Guru.]

Very few films are as good as the book, but that still doesn't excuse an absolute travesty of a book-to-film adaptation. The unfortunate thing is Twelve had such unbelievable on screen potential. Not only is the subject matter widely appealing -- pretty people doing bad things -- but it has a stellar cast to go with it. All director Joel Schumacher had to do was follow the story, trim a little fat and he would have ended up with a solid production. But he and screenwriter Jordan Melamed just went about it all wrong, making Twelve an extended episode of Gossip Girl rather than a dark and foreboding tale.

The film stars Chace Crawford as White Mike, a smart kid who resorts to a life of seclusion and drug dealing after losing his mother to cancer. His clients include just about anyone who hangs out at Chris' (Rory Culkin) house, where all the best parties are held. In fact, this weekend, the most popular girl at school, Sara Ludlow (Esti Ginzburg), wants to have her birthday party at Chris', and considering Chris and every other guy at school -- or in the entire city for that matter -- would do just about anything to be with Sara, he agrees to play host. The newest number to appear on White Mike's phone is that of Jessica (Emily Meade), a promising student who winds up getting hooked on the newest drug on the market, Twelve. White Mike doesn't deal Twelve, but she'll do just about anything for it, even if it means going to White Mike's supplier, Lionel (50 Cent).

There's so much more to it than that, but I implore you to get the information from Nick McDonell's book rather than the film, or at least read the book before seeing the movie. Twelve is by far one of the most compelling pieces I've ever read and it pains me to say that the film is just the opposite. I walked out of the theater so utterly disappointed I felt as though I could almost pull a Claude (Billy Magnussen). Okay, that's extreme, but I was pretty angry. Unlike Claude, I've opted to channel my anger into a Cinematical Seven, so enjoy and thank you for tolerating my need to vent.

With Edith Piaf's Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien getting a lot of listens over the past few weeks due to Inception's popularity, it seemed as good a time as any to look back at some of the other old songs that have been given a new lease on life after they appeared in a popular film. I thought it might be a bit of a challenge to come up with seven of these, but the opposite proved to be true -- I wound up with so many potential titles that I had to make some really tough choices to narrow it down.

Was a young Tom Cruise charming enough with his rendition of You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' from Top Gun to make the cut? Did American Psycho's Patrick Bateman reinvigorate Sussudio in the film's oddball and disturbing threesome scene? And did Beetlejuice make The Banana Boat Song any less annoying when possessed dinner guests got groovy to the music?

This article proves once again why the Internet gods gave us a comments section. Swing by and share what you think should have been included.