It's hard to get a statistical breakdown of the Academy's membership, but over the years I've formed a mental picture of the Academy's average member. He's male; he's been in show business for decades, usually as an actor; he's wealthy enough to be "liberal"; he's white. He sees the nominated films at home, on screeners, possibly while enjoying a sandwich, instead of in the theater. And he's more inclined to go for a glossy feel-good movie over a grimmer one, or for a sweeping, old-fashioned Hollywood period epic over a gritty drama about actual present day concerns. (See also Forrest Gump vs. Pulp Fiction; Gladiator vs. Traffic.)

In short, Ernest Borgnine.

So, when I try to handicap Oscar picks, I ask: WWEBD? This is often a very different set of films from what I'd like to see win, and the Virtual Borgnine process isn't foolproof (last year, VB went 5/6; in 2006, VB tanked with a record of 3/6, somewhat damaged by my overlooking when Borgnine -- the real one, not the virtual one -- publicly stated he wouldn't see Brokeback Mountain). But, mostly, it's an exercise in looking into the thought process behind the maddening nature of the Oscars. All quotes are, as ever, rough intimations of the Borgnine thought process ...

I have to admit that I came to birthday boy Jerry Lewis (he's 80 today) in a rather round-about way. When I was a kid, he was just that annoying, loud guy I flipped past on Saturday afternoon TV sometimes. As I an adult, however, I developed a possibly unhealthy obsession with Dean Martin, and it was through him that I recognized the young Lewis for the talent he was. As the French have always know, there was a tremendous amount of skill and calculation behind Lewis' childish persona, the true evidence of which lay in his ability to always stay just this side of the very, very, very fine line between gratingly endearing and too irritating to stand. Somehow, we never got quite so disgusted with him that we didn't, minutes later, find ourselves sympathizing with his struggles - really, there was a kind of genius to the way he kept us in the palm of his hand.

Though Lewis had a successful career after the breakup of his partnership with Martin, that remains his best known and most-loved period, even today. And, like many others, I prefer to remember him as he was then: young, manic, and brimming with ability.

Nominees:

Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash
George Clooney and Grant Heslov, Good Night and Good Luck
Woody Allen, Match Point
Noah Baumbach, The Squid and the Whale
Stephen Gaghan, Syriana

Winner: Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash

Despite an over-reliance on big coincidences and nicely dove-tailed moments of dramatic convenience, Crash was named Best Original Screenplay. Paul Haggis chose to give a shout-out to any and all who fight racism, which was very, very Canadian of him. (As a Canadian Scientologist, Paul Haggis may be the most curious creature alive: Dull but exotic, arcane but mundane.) Co-writer Bobby Moresco didn’t get to speak – curse you, Haggis! – but I'm sure he'll cry himself to sleep on a pillow made of the decimal places he can now add to his asking price for a screenplay.

After this little bit of patter, Meryl Streep and Lilly Tomlin could, in fact, now get a 2-picture deal at Touchstone for wacky comedies. But even despite that, watching people do faux-Altman on the stage of the Kodak theater is like watching them do Noh theater or Thai shadow puppets; an interesting-yet-archaic reminder of a bygone age. ... Much like Altman. Following in the footsteps of prior Honorary Oscar winners like Akira Kurosawa, (Kurosawa famously accepted his Honorary Oscar by noting "I still feel like there's so much I don't know about film. ..." ), Altman managed to be modest, celebratory and gracious about his work and his craft. in what may have been one of the night's classiest moments.

The Nominees:

Howl's Moving Castle (Hayao Miyazaki)
Tim Burton's Corpse Bride (Dirs. Tim Burton and Mike Johnson)
Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit (Nick Park and Steve Box)

The Winner:

Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit (Nick Park and Steve Box)

The speech: Polite, British, and nearly perfect. Much like the film it's being made on the behalf of. Some may say it's a little presumptuous to bring a bow tie for the Oscar you hope to win, but it's also charming, in a goofy way. This is the first Oscar for Box, and Park's 4th win out of 5 nominations. It's also the best possible choice, in a year where poor-quality animation was churned witlessly out of computers  -- and where even some high-quality animation (like the other two nominees, to be blunt) lacked fresh or coherent stories.

At first, you think the show is overtime. But not so bad. And then you feel all is progressing well, and that all events are reasonable, and then the Academy presents a song perfromance that looks like looks like the Max Fischer Players production of The Road Warrior.

Have you had any favorite Oh-Good-Lord moments? If so, share below ... and enjoy.

You've had the predictions. The beard-stroking. The recipes. Now, though, it's time for the actual day of days, the Super Bowl for movie fans, The Oscars. Come on by starting at 5:00 Eastern for our coverage of the red carpet (from our own Erik Davis) and then liveblogging with myself, Kim Voynar, Martha Fischer and Erik as many of Hollywood's best and brightest take home one of the industry's highest honors and others take, as Letterman called it, 'the bus back to Muncie."

We'll have plenty of bandwith for your reactions as well -- so, whether you're watching at a glitzy, friend-filled soiree or just chilling pantsless and mocking everyone's gowns, feel free to share your reactions, pet peeves and shout-out loud moments right here at everyone's favorite movie site with no drink minimum ever, Cinematical.com.

Because the Academy apparently doesn't trust any of its members, they've sent each of the 150-odd Oscar nominees a short DVD called An Insider's Guide: What Nominees Need to Know with their invitations to Sunday's ceremony. The DVD - hosted by none other than the king of the Oscars (gag) himself, Tom Hanks - "is packed with a half-century of memorable Oscar moments, with examples of acceptances good, bad and ugly," and tells the nominees exactly how they need to go about the task of accepting, should their names be called at the big moment.

Is this a joke, or something? Do George Clooney, Ang Lee, and Reese Witherspoon really need Hanks (or anyone else) telling them to "show gratitude with style," and "maximize [their] moment"? Jesus, what a massive load of condescending crap! If someone makes a great speech, it's just not going to be because of Tom Hanks. And if a speech is going to suck? Man, an 8 minute DVD just isn't going to change a damn thing - it's not as if people who make fools of themselves go to the stage intending to do so.

But you never know, I guess. Hey, maybe if Philip Seymour Hoffman wins, he'll include Hanks in his barked thanks, and give all the credit for his doggy eloquence to this handy dandy DVD lesson!

Did you know that the people who win Scientific & Technical awards from the Academy (aka the "Awards given earlier" shown in video montage during the actual Oscar ceremony) don't get statuettes? They get plaques, or certificates instead. Certificates!

While the specifics of last night's Scientific & Technology ceremony are over most of our heads ("Much of the evening was devoted to honoring developers of various remote camera heads and systems, including Skycam inventor Garrett Brown and Cascade crane inventor Anatoly Kokush"), the concrete details are not: 30 people received certificates (sigh) recognizing their individual technical achievements, and 13 more were awarded Scientific & Engineering plaques. Among the honorees were six from Pixar, who were recognized for achievements as diverse as "developing...software that's widely used for rendering...human limbs...in CG animation," and "work...on the mathematics used for realistic rendering of cloth with computer animation."

Seriously, why do these people not get actual Oscars? The amount of science and inspiration that is behind the CGI images to which we've become accustomed is mind-blowing - why isn't it as worthy of recognition as, say, editing, or set design?

The American Cinema Editors (ACE) had their annual awards ceremony last night, and Brokeback Mountain didn't win a damn thing (an investigation is sure to follow). Like the Hollywood Foreign Press, ACE also divides films into dramatic and musical/comedy categories, and taking home the major prizes instead of Brokeback's editors were Hughes Winborne, who edited Crash, and Michael McCusker of Walk the Line. On the nonfiction side, Sabine Emiliani won the best editing for a documentary award for her work on March of the Penguins.

Also recognized at the event were Ron Howard, who for some reason was named filmmaker of the year (was Cinderella Man really that great?), and Ed Abroms and Terry Rawlings (the editor of Blade Runner), who received lifetime achievement awards.