Robert Zemeckis directs: A Christmas Carol, a two-man show starring Jim Carrey and Gary Oldman!

While I kid, the above is pretty much accurate. Back in November of last year, Erik posted that Oldman had joined the production that already had Carrey playing Ebenezer Scrooge, as well as the three ghosts who visit the old man to tell him the error of his ways. Now SciFi.com reports that Oldman is playing the rest of the production's big characters -- Tiny Tim, Bob Cratchit, and Marley. Considering the fact that Oldman played a little person in the largely ignored Tiptoes, I'm betting he can physically hit all of these performances out of the park. Why two stars are playing most of the characters, however, I have no idea. (I'm not complaining, but it is surprising.)

But I wonder: What about Cary Elwes? He was also mentioned to be a stand-in for Jim Carrey, while a reader swore he was acting alongside the two stars. Maybe he has all the secondary parts?

Wonderful as the classic family Christmas movies can be, the overwhelming sugary sweetness in most of them can be a little off-putting to adult audiences. I know my friends tend to gravitate more towards the R-rated holiday fare -- Die Hard, Bad Santa, The Ref, etc. Lord knows Hollywood doesn't want to be bothered coming up with original ideas, so I'm proposing seven remakes of Christmas family classics -- souped up for 2008 and aimed at the 17+ crowd. I've set up the plots and even suggested a possible director for each. Enjoy...

Michael Moore's A Christmas Carol

In Michael Moore's return to narrative filmmaking, George W. Bush plays with his shiny new train set, sets out cookies for Santa Claus, and falls asleep in his footie pajamas while watching Power Rangers. He is awoken in the middle of the night by The Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Georgie through his days of frat parties, draft dodging, drunk driving, and cocaine abuse. Even faced with hard evidence, Bush denies any involvement. The Ghost of Christmas Present takes Bush deep into a post-Katrina New Orleans, where Bush cracks jokes and enjoys some caramel corn. Stunned by Bush's lack of feeling, the ghost takes him to Iraq, where he sees what Christmas is like for U.S. soldiers. Bush yawns. He is sleepy. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Bush a world ravaged by the effects of global warming and America hated by countries all across the globe. "Not real concerned about my legacy, Future Dude" chuckles Bush, and he falls asleep safe in his bed. Bush wakes up twelve hours later, having learned absolutely nothing. As the movie ends, he runs over a homosexual couple with his truck and kicks a sick orphan in the face.

On the surface, this is just a regular old casting story. But if you dig deeper, we spot an actor who's obviously desperate to pay off some credit card debt. But first, the news: Moviehole reports that Gary Oldman has joined the new 3D, mo-cap, blah blah version of A Christmas Carol, to be directed by Mo-Cap Man himself, Robert Zemeckis. Oldman, like the film's star Jim Carrey, will play an assortment of different roles. Carrey, of course, will be playing Ebenezer Scrooge, as well as the three ghosts who come along for the guilt trip. As Moviehole points out, "A Christmas Carol will feature a touch of live action and computer graphics, the latter of which ImageMovers employed in the Gil Kenan-directed Monster House."

Oh, but here's where it gets good (or depressing, depending on whether or not you're related to Cary Elwes): The actor hasn't nabbed a role in the film. Instead, he's standing in for Jim Carrey when the actor isn't available. Yes, Cary Elwes has officially become a stand-in. Just to give you a tad more info in case you didn't know: Ten years ago, Elwes starred opposite Carrey in Liar Liar. Now, he's had to settle for Carrey's stand-in. What happened there? Should we send a basket ... or something? I feel bad. Anyway, Moviehole also squashes the rumor that Tom Hanks will be playing Bob Cratchit. They claim he "has no part in the movie." Hint, nudge ... Elwes. A Christmas Carol is currently set to arrive on November 6, 2009.