Anaconda Tagged Articles at Cinematical

I'm sure Peter Sarsgaard didn't intend to make a horror movie that would provoke gales of unintentional laughter. Yet in a key, emotionally-wrought scene near the end of Orphan -- out on DVD today and, perversely enough, worth a rental -- that's exactly what happens; by that point, the film's determination to take itself way too seriously has worn down the viewer, and its lunatic premise collapses upon itself. Sarsgaard bravely goes down with the ship, as does Vera Farmiga, two talented actors that were better than their material.

How do good actors end up in bad movies? The same way some of us end up in jobs we hate: (1) It sounded better than it turned out; (2) Gotta pay the bills. Sometimes they liven up the movie (The Devil's Advocate wouldn't be nearly as much fun without Al Pacino's self-parodying scenery-chewing) and sometimes they look befuddled that they ended up in such a turkey (Robert Downey, Jr. in Gothika, Zooey Deschanel in The Happening). We salute those who gave it their best shot, and ask the rest: what were you thinking?

1. Jon Voight in Anaconda
Intentionally cheesy or merely undone by cheap CGI? This tale of a film crew seeking to document a mysterious tribe of Amazonian natives is a rather tepid and poorly-executed horror adventure until Voight lends it a jolt of electricity as a jungle guide with an accent that's never been heard before. While decent actors like Eric Stoltz and Owen Wilson look like they're ready to cash their paychecks and go home, the Academy Award-winning Voight nearly saves the picture with his larger-than-life theatrics. That's entertainment!

Clockwise from upper left: Revolutionary Road, Defiance, He's Just Not That Into You, The Graduate, Anaconda, Fletch.

Revolutionary Road
Leonardo DiCaprio re-teamed with Kate Winslet, Michael Sheen Shannon * in a blistering supporting role, Sam Mendes examining suburbia, an adaptation of a classic American novel by Richard Yates; what could possibly go wrong? "In truth, it's both relentlessly grim and nearly pointless," wrote Jeffrey M. Anderson. "The only thing it does really well is create a feeling of suffocation." Also on Blu-ray. My choice: Rent it.

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He's Just Not That Into You
Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Bradley Cooper and Scarlet Johansson star in a movie that will rot your brain. Put more kindly by William Goss: "This film feels more like a one night stand than anything else: you'll enjoy taking it home overnight, but when tomorrow comes, it's less a matter of calling it as merely recalling it." Also on Blu-ray. My choice: Skip it.

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Defiance
Daniel Craig drinks martinis protects fellow Jews from the Nazis in Edward Zwick's drama, based on a true story. "An uneasy mix of action and suspense with meaningful themes, of emotion and adrenaline," opined James Rocchi. "You sincerely hope it sends people to the truth even as it fails as fiction." Also on Blu-ray. My choice: Rent it.

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After the jump: Indies on DVD, more Blu-ray picks, and a "legendary" Collector's Corner!

Before I talk about a "guilty pleasures" list, I'll start with the same disclaimer that everyone starts with when they talk about a "guilty pleasures" list: When it comes to entertainment, there shouldn't be any such thing as a guilty pleasure. If something is bad in an entertaining way, and you enjoy it, then so what? Just because you're enjoying it for reasons other than what the filmmaker intended (e.g., laughing at a movie that was supposed to be scary) doesn't mean you need to feel guilty about it. Now, if you tried to convince people that the movie is good -- not so-bad-it's-good, but actually GOOD -- well, then maybe your friends would question your taste. But hey, don't feel guilty. Let your freak flag fly!

Now then. The handsome devils at Moviefone asked readers what their favorite guilty pleasures are, and what do you know, the readers gave them some. Most of the nominated titles are ones that very few people would defend as being legitimately good, but that apparently lots of people are able to enjoy for other reasons: Battlefield Earth (pictured), Crossroads, Coyote Ugly, etc.

Having recently re-watched Anaconda for research purposes (really!), I agree with its inclusion on the list. It fails utterly at what it was trying to do, but it sure makes me laugh, particularly Jon Voight's campy performance that sounds like Christopher Walken mixed with Zorro.

The readers offer explanations for their choices, too. For example, on Howard the Duck, "Lisa41794" says, "Lea Thompson and alien duck have sex. What's more entertaining than that ... lol." What's more entertaining than that lol indeed, Lisa41794!

Check out the list and photo gallery to see what else made the list. And feel free to tell us what your favorite guilty pleasures are in the comments below.

Yes, there will soon be an Anaconda 3 and an Anaconda 4. But that's not the most amusing news. According to Moviehole, the back-to-back cheapie sequels will star none other than (ready?) David Hasselhoff! Yep, the Hoff will be starring as the hero in a pair of Anaconda sequels. (Logic dictates that Dave does NOT get eaten by a giant snake in the third film.) Co-starring in Anaconda 3: The Offspring will be Crystal Allen, Zoltan Butuc and (who else?) John Rhys-Davies. (Damn, John, did you burn through that Rings money already?)

Both of the flicks are being shot in Romania by Don E. FauntLeRoy, the cinematographer turned director who has no less than three Steven Seagal movies under his belt. (So I'm guessing a pair of Anaconda sequels would actually be considered a promotion for Don.) And it looks like the producers are sticking to the old "search through a snake-infested jungle in search of something valuable" schpiel once twice again. As if you hadn't guessed by now, both flicks will premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel before settling onto dusty video shelves for the next 15 years.

The original Anaconda (1997) starred Jon Voight, Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz, Owen Wilson, Danny Trejo and Kari Wuhrer. The 2004 sequel -- Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid -- starred Johnny Messner, Morris Chestnut, KaDee Strickland and Matthew Marsden. So if Anaconda 3 and 4 star David Hasselhoff and John Rhys-Davies, then I'm guessing Anaconda 5: Big Snake Babies will star someone like Andy Dick and Skeet Ulrich.

Having said all that, I'll rent anything with giant animals and screaming victims. Monster flicks are my true Kryptonite.

Halloween is almost upon us, and you know what that means: People like me are busy compiling their lists of horror films that did something or didn't do something or just plain suck. Not to be left out, I have worked diligently to produce the following list of the seven horror films that I deem the bad of the bad, the worst of the worst and the crap of the crap of all time.

When taking a look at this list, please try to bear in mind that this is my list and therefore reflects my delicate sensibilities (or lack thereof). Plus, as some of you may know, I have an intense dislike for directors who feel compelled to remake, or even worse "re-imagine," classic horror films. Almost without exception these bastard children tend to be pale imitations of their originals. In fact, can we just strike "re-imagine" from the lexicon of cinema right now and have it never be used again?

Also, as I'm sure will be made abundantly clear shortly, this list is by no means complete. Tastes vary as much as Ben Affleck's acting or Lindsey Lohan's choice of boyfriends, so many films that may deserve to appear on this list will not. I know there are more -- and I know you will have your own picks, so limber up those fingers, hit the comments and tell us your thoughts.

Now, come closer to your monitor and let's roll it.

Blood Sucking Freaks (aka The Incredible Torture Show) (1976) - Director (if you can call him that) Joel M. Reed's "film" (if you can call it that) does everything wrong that it possibly could. It's stupid, pointless and on top of that, patently offensive -- even to me and I'm a huge, huge horror fan. Blood and gore don't bother me either, especially if they are used in the right way. Of course "right way" and this piece of crap parted ways long, long ago.

Don't misunderstand me, It's not that I dislike this film, I hate it. Anyone associated with this movie should never be allowed to work in the business again. Plus, all copies of this piece o' shi-ite should be burned in a massive bonfire -- along with every copy of Paris Hilton's Paris. I know, Mr. Reed made one other film after this one -- the equally useless Night of the Zombies. But since then, thankfully, he has not been heard from again. Good riddance, I say, and please take uber-hack Uwe Boll with you. I think you guys would really hit it off.

More of my list after the jump.

Though you may have managed to make it until today without hearing the news, I feel compelled to tell you that a movie about a giant, killer crocodile is currently filming in Australia. It's called Rogue and, while it surely will never approach the awesomeness that was Anaconda (the former's tragic lack of Ice Cube assures that), it nevertheless is very likely to be crappy, campy goodness. In fact, Touchstone Pictures is so incredibly excited about the idea of oversized, deadly crocs that they're going to make their own damn movie about them.

Primeval, Touchstone's newly-announced project, tells the heart-warming story of "a news producer, reporter and cameraman who travel to South Africa on an assignment to bring back alive a 25-foot croc named Gustave." Yes, you read that right: his name is Gustave. Apparently the team is shocked that the creature would rather snack on humans than hang out with them, and things get even worse when (get this) "a feared warlord targets them for death." Warlords? A deadly crocodile named Gustave? Screw Rogue, man, Primeval is where it's at!

The movie, which will star Orlando Jones and Dominic Purcell, will begin shooting in South Africa in April. There's no word yet on who will play Gustav.