Robert Zemeckis directs: A Christmas Carol, a two-man show starring Jim Carrey and Gary Oldman!

While I kid, the above is pretty much accurate. Back in November of last year, Erik posted that Oldman had joined the production that already had Carrey playing Ebenezer Scrooge, as well as the three ghosts who visit the old man to tell him the error of his ways. Now SciFi.com reports that Oldman is playing the rest of the production's big characters -- Tiny Tim, Bob Cratchit, and Marley. Considering the fact that Oldman played a little person in the largely ignored Tiptoes, I'm betting he can physically hit all of these performances out of the park. Why two stars are playing most of the characters, however, I have no idea. (I'm not complaining, but it is surprising.)

But I wonder: What about Cary Elwes? He was also mentioned to be a stand-in for Jim Carrey, while a reader swore he was acting alongside the two stars. Maybe he has all the secondary parts?

In May, the battle of the Renaissance Fairs was set. Jack Black signed to play tutor-of-love Professor Shockworthy in Ye Olde Times, the story of "two rival fairs vying for ownership of all things Middle Ages." I've already been imagining Black donning some fishnets, and channeling some Transsylvanian sauciness and professorly exposition, while wondering how Tim Robbins, Will Arnett, Cary Elwes, and John C. Reilly fit in the mix. (Although Elwes is the only one of this group listed on IMDb.) Now The Hollywood Reporter has posted that David Arquette, Matthew Lillard, and Orlando Jones are the latest names to join the cast.

Fittingly typecast, Arquette and Lillard will play actors in a medieval troupe who work with a cheesy Renaissance Fair. This should be old hat for David when the pic gears up -- he's currently filming Hamlet 2, a comedy about a drama teacher trying to save his department by developing a sequel to Hamlet with his kids. Jones, meanwhile, is part of a rival troupe "committed to only serious productions of real Shakespeare." I wouldn't be surprised if Elwes is also one of the other serious Shakespearian actors. That part's all clear, but then things get vague as Justin Chatwin (War of the Worlds) is so specifically "the romantic male lead." Again, there's no actresses listed with this production yet, so I'm forced to believe we're going to get some sexy man-lovin'. Or, maybe they'll go the old-school theater route and have men play the female roles as well. That could make things interesting. Unfortunately, there's no word on when this project will begin production.

Avast readarrs! Today be Septembarr 19th -- Talk Like a Pirate Day, where land lubbers lounge with arrsome pirate lingo without pillaging saucy wenches, donning patches, or walking the plank. Ye might ARR the day away, or watch yeself some Petarr Sarrsgarrd. But maybe ye like to pull out the bung, drink up ye Grog, and fire up the VCARR. If ye do, here be a treasure chest of movie booty and pirate kings. Godspeed!

Sorry, this is as far as my pirate-speak goes!

The Pirate King -- The Pirates of Penzance (1983)

In 1980 New York City theater producer Joseph Papp fired up The Pirates of Penzance for his Public Theater, with a young Kevin Kline cast as the Pirate King. It was so successful that the cast brought it to Broadway, and then onto the big screen with almost everyone reprising their roles (Angela Landsbury was the lone change). Kline swaggered, swung his sword, and wrapped his tongue around 'often' and 'orphans,' because -- he is the Pirate King, Taran-tara, Taran-tara, and it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King!

Who doesn't love a good Renaissance Fair? There's jousting, jesters, minstrels and sword fighting, not to mention those boggling tasty turkey legs. Sometimes you can also check out comedic mud wrestling and members of the royal court. Granted, these things wipe away the reality of the times. It's shockingly clean, no one is really sent to the gallows and certain famous Queens get to keep their heads. If you're itching, however, to "know" what goes on behind the scenes at these recreations, and you haven't been watching some of the Gilmore Girls RennFair episodes, Jack Black will be on his way to save the day.

One of the films currently being shopped around at Cannes is Ye Olde Times. The movie will center on "two rival fairs vying for ownership of all things Middle Ages" and Black is starring as Professor Shockworthy -- the movie's narrator who tutors some "romantically entwined characters in the mysterious ways of love." Considering some of Black's lesser-loved work lately, I wouldn't be half as excited if it weren't for the great mix of comedic testosterone that's joining him -- Tim Robbins, Will Arnett, Cary Elwes and a cameo by John C. Reilly. I wonder if Arnett will be some sort of Medieval magician, and whether Elwes will channel some Wesley and do as we wish? Finally, I find it pretty telling that the plot specifically describes a "romantically entwined" set of characters, but there are no maids or maidens on the cast list. Will Black, perhaps, be tutoring Robbins and another lucky man on the ways of love? Oh, the possibilities! Codpieces and turkey legs, oh my!

So it seems that Erik isn't the only one who thinks that Cary Elwes is kind of creepy. Elwes, who will probably be forever cursed with people shouting "As You Wish!" at him in the streets, has made career choices that were a far cry from the soft and fuzzy Wesley. It probably started with Kiss the Girls and was cemented by him sawing his own foot off in the original Saw. Upcoming roles for Elwes include a pedophile in Georgia Rule with tabloid staple Lindsay Lohan and an unnamed part in Dean Paras' action film Sakura: Blue Eyed Samurai.

Variety announced that Elwes has signed on for the psychological thriller Psych 9 for International Production Co. (co-producers of Hostel) and Green Card Pictures. The film also stars Michael Biehn, Sara Foster, and Gabriel Mann. Directed by Andrew Shortell, the film revolves around a young woman who takes a night job in the record office of a recently closed psychiatric hospital. Of course, she begins to experience strange events that might be connected to a series of gruesome murders.

Psych 9 is currently wrapping up in Prague, but a release date hasn't been finalized. Until then we'll have to settle for Elwes' work in what appears to be the painfully unfunny Pucked for the National Lampoon franchise; now, that looks like a scary movie.


[via Dark Horizons]

Odds and ends from Friday:

• There's always been something about Cary Elwes that doesn't sit right with me. I'm not exactly sure what, but the dude definitely strikes me as somewhat creepy in a stalker-ish kind of way. Lucky for him, this makes Elwes perfect for the part of the child-molesting step-father in Garry Marshall's upcoming Georgia Rule. The actor recently signed on to the film in which he'll play an all around great guy and husband who, at times, secretly molests Lindsay Lohan, his step-daughter. Sounds peachy.
• 20th Century Fox desperately wants to be cool. And they're proving it by picking up an untitled comedy pitch by Derek Guiley and David Schneiderman. Story is based on a real-life seminar for adults who feel as if they've lost touch with what's "cool" these days. Pic will follow four ad execs who wind up in a high school where they find themselves reverting back to a teenager's mentality. I assume this means there will be tons of note passing, keg-stands and sloppy make-out sessions. Hey, I'm game.
• According to British newspaper Daily Express, Keith Richards begged the producers of Pirates of the Caribbean to let his fellow Rolling Stones bandmates appear in the third installment of the franchise along with him. Richards thought it would be a hoot if Mick Jagger, Ronnie Wood and Charlie Watts could play a vile pirate crew that hangs around Richards' character. Apparently, however, producers denied his request saying the script doesn't allow for it. Not for nothing, but one Rolling Stone is enough. Throw the whole band in there and now you're coming dangerously close to something The Simpsons would do. Just my two cents.

Cary Elwes isn't getting what he deserves from the inexplicably massive profits made by Saw, and he's not taking the slight lying down. Instead, he's heading to court, suing the film's producers (a group that apparently includes some of Elwes' own people, the bastards). Elwes was paid – get this – $2,587.20 for his part in the movie. That's it. Who says acting is glamorous? (I wonder if it was such a tiny amount only because the film's budget was small, or if the fact that he's a horrible actor was factored in as well.)

Later, presumably after the film made a profit, Westley was given a bonus check of over $50,000, but he still feels he ought to have more. The film has made more than $100 million (after costing just $1.2 million) in theatrical revenues and is also doing well on DVD, and Elwes says he was told he'd "make more money [on Saw] than he had ever made before." Since he's not, he's claiming breech of contract. Furthermore, the lawsuit claims he should be getting more money. Yeah Cary, so should we all.