Wonderful as the classic family Christmas movies can be, the overwhelming sugary sweetness in most of them can be a little off-putting to adult audiences. I know my friends tend to gravitate more towards the R-rated holiday fare -- Die Hard, Bad Santa, The Ref, etc. Lord knows Hollywood doesn't want to be bothered coming up with original ideas, so I'm proposing seven remakes of Christmas family classics -- souped up for 2008 and aimed at the 17+ crowd. I've set up the plots and even suggested a possible director for each. Enjoy...

Michael Moore's A Christmas Carol

In Michael Moore's return to narrative filmmaking, George W. Bush plays with his shiny new train set, sets out cookies for Santa Claus, and falls asleep in his footie pajamas while watching Power Rangers. He is awoken in the middle of the night by The Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Georgie through his days of frat parties, draft dodging, drunk driving, and cocaine abuse. Even faced with hard evidence, Bush denies any involvement. The Ghost of Christmas Present takes Bush deep into a post-Katrina New Orleans, where Bush cracks jokes and enjoys some caramel corn. Stunned by Bush's lack of feeling, the ghost takes him to Iraq, where he sees what Christmas is like for U.S. soldiers. Bush yawns. He is sleepy. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Bush a world ravaged by the effects of global warming and America hated by countries all across the globe. "Not real concerned about my legacy, Future Dude" chuckles Bush, and he falls asleep safe in his bed. Bush wakes up twelve hours later, having learned absolutely nothing. As the movie ends, he runs over a homosexual couple with his truck and kicks a sick orphan in the face.

Rogue

I don't care how many times they push it back, or how much potential for hackneyed disaster there is in a film about a killer crocodile -- I'm looking forward to Rogue, mostly because there was a lot that impressed me about Greg Mclean's debut film, 2005's Wolf Creek. For one thing, it was bold enough to defy several horror cliches, such as foreshadowing dread in the early scenes -- the first thirty minutes of Wolf Creek could be part of an Aussie road drip dramedy, with three aimless kids taking their rickety car way too far into unsafe areas of the Outback. It's also a film that's completely unrelenting in the psychic trauma it wants to inflict on the audience. By the time the slaughtering starts, we know these characters -- we care about them. Frankly, Mclean seems like he'd be completely bored with making a standard slasher/monster film with paper-thin characters. Therefore, I'm going to be first in line for his killer croc movie, and wait for my enthusiasm to blow up in my face.

Friday the 13th

I have no idea if this will get to theaters by late 2008, but I know that Platinum Dunes does have the gears grinding, so it's a possibility. In fact, a little birdie recently told me something hilarious -- Corey Feldman went in and pitched himself as the star of this thing. For those who don't remember, Feldman played Vorhees foe Tommy Jarvis in two installments of the original series, and he apparently had designs on making the Friday remake his newest comeback vehicle. There's really nothing you can do with Jason at this point other than remake him, but how? Word is that PD wants the remake to feature both Jason and his trademark mask -- two elements that didn't congeal until Part III of the original series, so I'm imagining a smelting together of the first three films, set in modern day and with a lot of in-jokes. I guess it will be a film about a little boy who drowns in a lake and immediately morphs into an overgrown, lumbering killer with a machete. Sounds intriguing.

Now that Paris Hilton has served her time, we can all look forward to her moving ahead with her acting career. Despite the fact that she no longer has an agent, Hilton managed to win a part in Darren Lynn Bousman's Repo! The Genetic Opera. Bousman (Saw II, III and IV) and producer Carl Mazzocone (Boxing Helena) both claim that out of about 30 actresses who auditioned for the part Hilton was by far the best. And for those of you who enjoy her vocal talents as much as her acting skills, you'll be happy to know that she will be singing in the sci-fi-horror-musical. Hilton's character will be the daughter of Paul Sorvino's villainous "organ transplant magnate." Sorvino and Spy Kids' Alexa Vega were both cast last week, with Vega landing the role of a repo man's daughter. Perhaps Vega and Hilton will be friends in the film? And maybe the two can become BFFs in real life, too, and 18-year-old Vega can become the newest paparrazzi darling.

I don't know about you, but I'm now pretty excited about Repo! It isn't that I am looking forward to watching Hilton act and sing on the big screen, I just think the whole project sounds ridiculous, and I can't wait to see how it turns out. It could end up a big joke, or it could be enjoyable as a guilty pleasure or cult hit, or maybe it will actually be brilliant. What if Hilton's true calling is to be an opera singer? Of course, Repo! will not only feature opera numbers; there will reportedly be some rock songs as well. Last month Hilton told Larry King that she had two films lined up, but it isn't clear if Repo! was one of them. She will next be seen in The Hottie and the Nottie, which is due next year.

In all the horror movie hype of controversial billboards and pointing fingers, Saw IV might have gotten lost in the shuffle. There hasn't been a lot of news about the film so far, other than a few glimpses at a teaser poster. Plus, the latest photo to appear on MTV.com isn't giving anything up about what to expect from the latest installment of the series. The image consists of what looks to be a woman strapped to a chair with an ominous countdown clock presumably ticking away -- familiar terrain, I'm sure, for fans of the films. Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, the film reportedly was going to pick up where number three left off, with one of the survivors (Angus Macfadyen) still trapped in Jigsaw's (Tobin Bell) "house of horrors." Armed only with a videotape starring Jigsaw, he must solve a mystery to save his daughter. But, Bousman has already discounted that storyline with Bloody Disgusting, saying that "Every plot synopsis you've read online is false and untrue. The thing with Macfadyen looking for his daughter? Believe it if you want. But no one knows what this story is."

Erik gave us the news a couple of weeks back that the horror movie had just finished shooting, and I'm guessing that expectations for the film's box office take are probably still pretty high despite the much-discussed horror backlash. Especially when you think back to the highly profitable opening that Saw III had, Lionsgate is probably hoping that lightening is going to strike twice. We will have to wait and see until October 26th, when Saw IV hits theaters.

Fans of the Saw series will definitely want to pop on over to FEARnet for a quick second. That's where you'll find the first pair of on-set pics from Saw 4 ... plus we've been given just a little dollop of plot synopsis! Turns out that the Saw 4 story-line will continue with poor Jeff (Angus MacFadyen) as he tries to rescue his trapped daughter from inside another one of Jigsaw's death-filled dungeons. (And yes that audio tape does come into play!) Heck, who knew the Saw flicks would turn out to be a bona-fide soap opera?

The pics don't deliver any of that patented Saw stickiness, but you will get to see director Darren Lynn Bousman on set with actor Lyriq Bent, who will be returning for his third Saw soiree. Beyond that, we don't know a heck of a lot about Saw 4. New to the series are Feast writers Partick Melton and Marcus Dunston, and that should certainly add some new flavor to the series. But I prefer being kept in the semi-dark on these flicks. I actually didn't know what was coming in the Saw sequels, and I kinda like it that way. As expected, Saw 4 will hit screens right before Halloween. Domestically, the first one did $55 million at the box office. Part 2 made $87 million and Part 3 hit $80 million. Not bad for a trilogy that probably cost less than $35 million to produce.

Saw sequel maker Darren Lynn Bousman has posted production blogs on several movie sites over the past few years, but this year he's settling down at FEARnet. His inaugural blog entry doesn't deliver any new casting notices or shocking surprises, but he does dole out an explanation as to why he recently signed on to direct a third Saw sequel. (As if you'd walk away from such a profitable -- and clearly enjoyable -- movie gig.) The guy's locked up for Repo: A Genetic Opera and a remake of Scanners, but for the next several months, DLB is all about the Saw sickness.

With production on Saw 4 set to begin in Toronto next week, Mr. Bousman is prepared to give us twice-weekly updates on how his third sequel is going. To kick things off he expresses a lot of affection for the Saw production family, makes no apologies for sticking with the sequels, and offers an insightful breakdown of the Saw flicks' genre-bending ways. (He also promises to chat about non-Saw-related topics, which might mean some early info on his future projects.)

In related news, Dread Central is reporting that Lyriq Bent will be returning for his third Saw installment, while Bloody-Disgusting.com indicates that Justin Louis (Dawn of the Dead) has joined the (rapidly growing) Saw 4 cast. (The backward-hat-wearing guy from Gilmore Girls has also been signed up.) Meanwhile, every horror-friendly website on the planet reminds us that Saw-master Tobin Bell will also be back for some more punishment. Unfortunately, I think it's safe to assume that the lovely Dina Meyer will not be showing up in the next sequel.

Now that John Carpenter's back catalog has been well and truly ransacked by the Remake Brigade, producers looking for another dose of horror-centric brand recognition must look to other auteurs ... and it looks like David Cronenberg is the next victim in line. A few months back we reported that screenwriter David S. Goyer (Dark City, Blade, Batman Begins) and director Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw 2, Saw 3, Saw 4) would be tackling one of Cronenberg's old hits: The 1981 sci-fi thriller Scanners. Yes, the one with the exploding heads.

While he was out doing the junket thing for his latest film, a remake of a nifty Dutch Swedish chiller called The Invisible, Mr. Goyer let a few details slip regarding the direction the new Scanners will take under the charge of Dimension Films: "Cronenberg embeds so much subtext into his stories ... So we've tried to keep the spirit of that and kind of transpose that into a post-9/11 world, if you can imagine what 'Scanners' would be involved in in that kind of world. That's what we're attempting to do here."

The popular screenwriter then called Cronenberg a genius and went back to talking about The Invisible, but not before mentioning that this new version will have a much bigger budget to work with than did the original Scanners. (The irony is that Cronenberg didn't actually need a whole lot of money to make a flick so memorable that it spawned a remake more than two decades later.) Sources indicate that the new-fangled Scanners will most likely start production some time early next year. Goyer's been keeping pretty busy, too: He's also working on a Green Arrow project called Super Max and an adaptation of James Owen's Here, There Be Dragons.

The most buzzed-about rumor of today -- the kind that will probably become next Thursday's minor Variety story -- is that Darren Lynn Bousman, an emerging king of low-rent horror, will be directing a remake of 1984's Children of the Corn. Bousman is responsible for all the very successful Saw sequels, and seems to be vying for an official membership in the Splat Pack -- a support group of blood, guts and gore filmmakers to help each other get their work made without an NC-17 rating. Children of the Corn is probably one of my favorite horror films, to boot. It's the one that I remember watching in most vivid detail -- aside from The Exorcist -- but only because the film somehow, to my mind, blurred the boundaries between movie screen and reality.

Children of the Corn was based on a Stephen King story, in which one prophetic little boy becomes a Jim Jones Jr. under the noses of the adults in his town; his preachings cause the town children to murder all of the adults so that they can congregate in the cornfields by themselves. The 1984 film, which ramped up the religiously-motivated carnage, starred a young Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton. Bousman has not been quoted as officially taking on the project, but IESB says that their sources gave them the green light to report. IESB also called Bousman's agents at Endeavour, who responded with an awkward "no comment." Next on Bousman's to-do list, is of course, Saw IV, so don't look for Children in the immediate future, if it happens at all.

Director Darren Lynn Bousman, who recently announced that he's soon to be helming Saw IV, is also now taking on directing duties on Scanners, a re-make of the 1981 head-exploding horror film by David Cronenberg. According to Variety, Weinstein jumped on the re-make during a recent rights lapse. The film will be produced by 'Saw' veterans Mark Burg and Oren Koules, among others. Bousman is scheduled to begin filming Saw IV on April 15 and will direct a rock-opera called Repo for Lionsgate after that -- screenwriter David Goyer apparently has until the end of that shoot to cough up a Scanners script. No word on casting decisions yet for the project yet.

Scanners, in the parlance of the original film, are telepathic individuals who are turned into walking weapons by a greedy corporation. The film had the creepy tagline -- "There are four billion people on Earth. 237 are Scanners." There's no word on how much of a radical departure Goyer's new script will be from the original. Having recently co-wrote the script for Batman Begins, Goyer was also recently taken off The Flash project for Warner Bros. after they could not agree on a storyline; he has also been working on a treatment for a film adaptation of the Marvel comic Thor, and apparently contributed at least a storyline to the upcoming Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight.

Anyone who's seen Saw 3 knows that it'll be pretty tough to come up with a viable screenplay for Saw 4. Not saying it's impossible, but let's just say the incoming Sawmakers will have to pull a few fancy tricks ... and fast, since Saw 4 has already been scheduled for an October release date.

It's been widely reported that James Wan, Leigh Whannell and Darren Lynn Bousman participated in Saw 3 only out of respect for their deceased producer/friend Gregg Hoffman -- and while I'm sure the trio didn't exactly complain about their Part 3 paychecks, the guys probably have other things they want to do with their careers besides Saw 17, right? Right. Which is why Lionsgate is presently fielding ideas from a wide array of screenwriters, two of whom (according to Bloody-Disgusting.com) just released their very first horror flick.

Yeah, the two Project Greenlight knuckleheads who wrote Feast are (allegedly) among the running for the Saw 4 gig. Also known as Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, the pair have a variety of projects on numerous back-burners, but a Saw sequel has to seem sort of like a lottery ticket to guys like this.

Also, Feast is a whole lot of wet, splattery, gore-soaked fun. So there's that.