GaryColeman Tagged Articles at Cinematical

If you combine Jackass and Borat and remove all semblance of discipline or organization, you get something like Midgets vs Mascots, an occasionally very funny but often very sloppy mockumentary that is far too eager to show us how taboo it is.

The premise is that a Texas millionaire named Big Red (Richard Howland) has just died, and his will has unusual stipulations on how his fortune should be dispersed. Big Red was a little person and had great fondness for that group. He had also done work as a mascot early in his career, and always loved mascots. But as adult-film legend Ron Jeremy says, "Big Red knew there was no money in mascotting, so he did what any midget would do: porn." Yes, Big Red made his money producing skin flicks, many of which involved actors of his height.

Anyway, Big Red wants a team of five mascots to compete with a team of five midgets in a series of ridiculous games and stunts, with the winning squad getting $5 million. (Big Red's porn career is irrelevant, except that it gives the movie an excuse to show boobies.) He wants the team of little people to be coached by his average-height son, Little Richard (Mark Hapka), who hates midgets, and the mascots to be coached by his gold-digging third wife, Bonnie (Brittney Powell).

Auditions are held to find the competitors. The mascots chosen are a guy in an alligator suit, a Spartan, a cowboy sheriff, a bunny rabbit, and a taco (the kind that hands out fliers for a cheap Mexican restaurant). They generally do not take off their costumes, even when they're not competing. The midgets -- I'm using the word the movie uses most frequently -- are a kleptomaniac, a flamboyant gay guy, a swingin' bisexual man, an ordinary blonde woman, and Gary Coleman. Yes, Gary Coleman, as himself, or at least a version of himself.

Don't worry, this story isn't about a former television star battling food issues. Gary Coleman, still best known for TV's Diff'rent Strokes, but beloved by some of us for his immortal film work (On the Right Track, Jimmy the Kid), was spotted in downtown Dallas this week fighting a taco.

Dallas Morning News reporters on their lunch break stumbled onto the odd scene. "We noticed a couple of people engaged in a struggle for money, and not far from them, a short black guy tumbled around on the ground with a person in a taco costume," Tawnell Hobbs said. "When the little guy emerged from the brawl, I was shocked to see that it was Gary Coleman ... I whispered to my colleagues that they were likely making a commercial -- but another guy next to me whispered that it was a movie and not to laugh." Please, please, somebody tell me you have this on video!

The movie in question is a mockumentary entitled A Tribute to Big Red. A DMN reader found a casting call for extras that included a synopsis: "This is the hilarious story and behind-the-scenes look of an epic competition with surprising twists and turns, as well as personal trials, tribulations, and triumphs of those involved." I've searched but not found anything else on the movie, but now I can't wait to see it!

Sort of. In an entertaining interview over at The Guardian, flavor of the month Jason Bateman opens up somewhat about his many years in the Hollywood wilderness, and comes across as genuinely shaken by how randomly an actor like himself can go from unemployable to a hot property in the blink of an eye, for no good reason. Specifically, Bateman talks about the randomness of choosing the Arrested Development series, his big comeback vehicle. "I would have done a show half as good as Arrested Development," he says. "Things were few and far between. I didn't give a shit at the time. I just got really lucky." He says that around the same time Arrested Development was offered, he also got an offer to appear on another show that would have tanked, and his big rebirth would never have happened. "The more obvious choice was the other series," he says. "It had a big star, it paid better, it probably had guaranteed air time. It could have buried me."

Continuing with his 'it's all a coin toss' analogy, he posits the following hilarious scenario: "Let's say, God forbid, Gary Coleman got kidnapped tomorrow. That would lead the national news. Then he would get released, maybe in a month, but now he is revitalised, currently relevant, and a great piece of casting for a new project. If he does that project and he's halfway decent in it, he's got another career. It's an awful way to make a living if your success is predicated on some arbitrary moment of exposure." Am I the only who thinks that there's at least a 50-50 chance that Coleman will read this article and then hire someone to kidnap him?