Wonderful as the classic family Christmas movies can be, the overwhelming sugary sweetness in most of them can be a little off-putting to adult audiences. I know my friends tend to gravitate more towards the R-rated holiday fare -- Die Hard, Bad Santa, The Ref, etc. Lord knows Hollywood doesn't want to be bothered coming up with original ideas, so I'm proposing seven remakes of Christmas family classics -- souped up for 2008 and aimed at the 17+ crowd. I've set up the plots and even suggested a possible director for each. Enjoy...

Michael Moore's A Christmas Carol

In Michael Moore's return to narrative filmmaking, George W. Bush plays with his shiny new train set, sets out cookies for Santa Claus, and falls asleep in his footie pajamas while watching Power Rangers. He is awoken in the middle of the night by The Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Georgie through his days of frat parties, draft dodging, drunk driving, and cocaine abuse. Even faced with hard evidence, Bush denies any involvement. The Ghost of Christmas Present takes Bush deep into a post-Katrina New Orleans, where Bush cracks jokes and enjoys some caramel corn. Stunned by Bush's lack of feeling, the ghost takes him to Iraq, where he sees what Christmas is like for U.S. soldiers. Bush yawns. He is sleepy. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Bush a world ravaged by the effects of global warming and America hated by countries all across the globe. "Not real concerned about my legacy, Future Dude" chuckles Bush, and he falls asleep safe in his bed. Bush wakes up twelve hours later, having learned absolutely nothing. As the movie ends, he runs over a homosexual couple with his truck and kicks a sick orphan in the face.

When news first came about Mall Cop, it was clear it had to be a kids' movie. Reminiscent of Home Alone, it features a burglary attempt at a mall. But it stars Kevin James rather than a kid or bunch of kids as the person who thwarts the criminals' plan. Still likely a slapstick-heavy comedy, it just doesn't have the same appeal as a movie where kids outsmart adults. Then Steve Pink, who co-wrote Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity, came on board to script the thing. Suddenly it sounded like it could be a little wittier than originally expected. However, now we're back to square one, because Variety reports that Mall Cop will be directed by Steve Carr. In case you aren't familiar with the guy's work, here's a sampling: Dr. Doolittle 2; Are We Done Yet?; Daddy Day Care; Rebound. All PG movies. Sure, his first movie, Next Friday, wasn't for kids, but he certainly seems on track to deliver only family friendly films these days.

So far, James has been pretty successful in his transition from TV to movies. Of course, it helped that in his two hit comedies he was the co-star of Will Smith and then Adam Sandler. Mall Cop will be his first vehicle as sole star unless some big name comedian is cast as one of the burglars. Considering Happy Madison is producing, that big name would have to be Sandler. With little chance of that casting happening, though, James could settle for a lesser co-star in Happy Madison regular Rob Schneider. However, then we'd again be wishing that young Macaulay Culkin was in this thing, since Schneider played one of the many semi-baddies in Home Alone 2. Honestly, I'd settle to see any kid in there -- even a young Erik Davis -- instead of James. I guess the title wouldn't make much sense then, though.

I'm making a few changes to the TFT format; comments, suggestions and ideas from regular readers are more than welcome!

*Scott's Gimme Pick!* A Fish Called Wanda (Collector's Edition) -- One of the '80s very best comedies (FINALLY) gets the full-bore special edition it deserves! John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Palin and the (Oscar-winning) Kevin Kline bounce through this farce that's both sunny and acidic, smart and silly, goofy and great. And this package is absolutely stocked with goodies: Cleese commentary, 30 minutes of deleted scenes, some featurettes, a trivia track... I can't wait to add this into my collection! :)

Home Alone (Family Fun Edition) -- If you're a big fan of this celebration of holiday sweetness and hardcore slapstick, this new re-issue looks to be a solid buy. In addition to a Chris Columbus / Macaulay Culkin yack-track, you'll also get a whole bunch of extra goodies -- most of which are all-new to this edition!

Ice Age: The Meltdown -- Because your kid probably doesn't own enough animated movies about animals. Ray Romano, John Leguizamo and Denis Leary return to add some personality to the prehistoric critters, and the DVD is predictably stocked with goodies for both old and young.

An Inconvenient Truth -- Al Gore gets all ecological and scares the bejeezus out of those of us who actually consider global warming a real threat. Extras include a pair of filmmaker commentaries, a few featurettes and a box composed of entirely recycled materials.

Independence Day -- Fox was planning to release a 10th Anniversary edition of this movie until someone reminded them that there'd already been a Special Edition, a Limited Edition and a Five-Star Collection edition. And the movie still kinda stinks.

Miracle on 34th Street (Special Edition) -- The 1947 holiday classic finally hits DVD with a swanky SE that's long overdue. The stocking-load of extras include an audio commentary from actress Maureen O'Hara, the 1955 made-for-TV remake, a bunch of documentaries both new and archival ... and you can choose between the (icky) colorized version or the (glorious) original B&W transfer!

The Punisher (Extended Cut) -- Everyone keeps telling me the extended cut of Daredevil is much better than the theatrical version, and I bet the same holds true for The Punisher. Thomas Jane does some solid work in this fairly standard (yet still watchable) little revenge story. New extras (aside from 17 extra minutes wedged into the main feature) include a still-deleted scene, a look at The Punisher's comic book history and some random featurettes.

Scoop -- Yep, Woody Allen's still making movies. This is the one with Scarlett Johansson and Hugh Jackman, I think. And if you've ever owned a Woody Allen DVD, you know what kind of extras to expect here: None. (I think.)

You, Me & Dupree -- Owen Wilson is a wacky dude who squats in the house of newlyweds Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson. Since I have yet to see the movie, I can only assume that much wackiness ensues before a valuable life lesson is learned. Extras-wise you get a pair of audio commentaries, a few featurettes, some deleted scenes and the ever-popular alternate ending.

Insert painfully unfunny "Not Home Alone anymore" joke ... here. In just about the saddest child star gone wrong news I've ever heard, word on the street is has it that an apparently cash-strapped Macaulay Culkin has signed on to join Anna Nicole Smith and Dennis Rodman in a British "celebrity" version of reality hellhole, Big Brother. As if the very fact that Culkin has, at 25, already given up on legitimate success wasn't bad enough, a source involved with the production of the show told a British tabloid that Culkin was primarily asked to be on the show in the hopes that he'd dish the dirt on his sometime best friend ... yes, that's right ... Michael Jackson.

"This is a great coup for us," the source told the Daily Star. "Because of his friendship with Michael Jackson, you're almost getting two for the price of one." It gets worse: the Channel 4 source admits that the network was "desperate to bag Macaulay because we want some big name Americans who will be controversial and have a chequered history...But more importantly he has been privy to Jacko's private world at Neverland."

When D-listers debase themselves on reality television, I'm usually the first to point and laugh (oh, how I crave a Season Two of Breaking Bonaduce). But just a couple of years ago, when he was starring in Party Monster and Saved!, it looked like Macaulay had a decent shot at a merit-based comeback. How did he get from there, to selling out Michael Jackson on trash British television? The mind reels.