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Wonderful as the classic family Christmas movies can be, the overwhelming sugary sweetness in most of them can be a little off-putting to adult audiences. I know my friends tend to gravitate more towards the R-rated holiday fare -- Die Hard, Bad Santa, The Ref, etc. Lord knows Hollywood doesn't want to be bothered coming up with original ideas, so I'm proposing seven remakes of Christmas family classics -- souped up for 2008 and aimed at the 17+ crowd. I've set up the plots and even suggested a possible director for each. Enjoy...

Michael Moore's A Christmas Carol

In Michael Moore's return to narrative filmmaking, George W. Bush plays with his shiny new train set, sets out cookies for Santa Claus, and falls asleep in his footie pajamas while watching Power Rangers. He is awoken in the middle of the night by The Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Georgie through his days of frat parties, draft dodging, drunk driving, and cocaine abuse. Even faced with hard evidence, Bush denies any involvement. The Ghost of Christmas Present takes Bush deep into a post-Katrina New Orleans, where Bush cracks jokes and enjoys some caramel corn. Stunned by Bush's lack of feeling, the ghost takes him to Iraq, where he sees what Christmas is like for U.S. soldiers. Bush yawns. He is sleepy. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Bush a world ravaged by the effects of global warming and America hated by countries all across the globe. "Not real concerned about my legacy, Future Dude" chuckles Bush, and he falls asleep safe in his bed. Bush wakes up twelve hours later, having learned absolutely nothing. As the movie ends, he runs over a homosexual couple with his truck and kicks a sick orphan in the face.

OK, with a name like "Weinberg," I wouldn't blame you for questioning my expertise in the arena of "Christmas." But I've been a big fan of the holiday, the season and (yes) even the music since I was old enough to ask my parents "Why don't Jews believe in Santa Claus?" (I stumped her on that one, I think.) And one of my very favorite things about Christmas are the traditional movies. (In my house, "traditional" Christmas movies include Scrooged, A Christmas Story, Gremlins, Die Hard, Black Christmas, Bad Santa and Christmas Vacation.) So when the newest crop of Xmas flicks hits the scene each year, I try to keep an eye out for the solid ones -- and then yesterday I saw a trailer for something called Deck the Halls.

Now, obviously one cannot judge a film without having seen the thing, but -- holy moley does this thing look like a cinematic abortion of the loudest and most hellaciously obnoxious order. Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick play a pair of neighbors who'll stop at nothing to prevent each other from having the flashiest Xmas-house on the block. Expect 79 minutes of horrible slapstick schtick by hateful characters and 11 minutes of warmed-up seasonal "warmth" that fits into the movie about as well as a tongue-kiss fits in at the dentist's office.

So anyway, the Deck the Halls trailer reminded me -- hey, there's been a whole BUNCH of really rotten Christmas comedies over the past few decades! At least seven, anyway! Which brings us to the list; all naughty, no nice.