Want to know a dirty little secret?

Contrary to what you've heard recently, critics hate writing bad reviews.

No, they're not fun to write; they're exhausting. No, they're not less work than a good review; they're more difficult. And when you love movies -- which you better, as a critic -- you don't sit down in the dark before a film and think, "Boy, I hope the next two hours of my life will be wasted." But every movie is not, in fact, good -- and these were the high marks among the low points in 2007, from one critic's highly subjective perspective.

1. The Heartbreak Kid

Racist, sexist, misogynist -- and, even worse, not funny. The Farrelly Brothers proved their "King Midas in reverse" touch by turning a classic piece of comedy gold into a lump of trash. The only possible bright side comes in the fact that the Farrelly's status as box-office kings has now been tarnished, hopefully hastening their slide to straight-to-video film making.

Once upon a time, back when I started out this line of work, it was my aim to see every movie ever made. Then came the VHS player. Once the direct-to-video market began, numerous filmmakers stopped thinking of the pleasures and rigors of making films for the big screen. Instead, they started thinking of a quick payoff. VHS financed the rise of the indie movie for good (or often, ill). It all added up to a huge increase in the number of films released. Eventually, I realized if I wanted to do some ordinary things--hoisting an ale, listening to music, reading a book--I was going to have to let a few films slide. Coming attractions have been a huge help in picking which ones to avoid, particularly the ones that reveal every single plot point and the most likely resolution of the problem. So how can I really do a worst of 2007 list? I ducked a lot of contenders. Underdog, for instance.

I missed P.U., I Hate You, as those slashing wits at Cracked magazine will be calling it, but I really felt James Rocchi's personal agony at witnessing the last of Hilary Swank's trio of evil movies this year. Though some would call it a duo; some people fell for Freedom Writers. Maybe this kind of story can be told without Room 222-levels of obviousness and manipulation...perhaps from the POV of one of the students, instead of the earnest white teacher? I'm not going to get any prizes for prescience by saying Swank's agent needs to be renditioned to some country with deep dark dungeons. Swank's Lost Year has already been celebrated elsewhere.

But The Reaping (#1) was the worst of the three; no one wants to see this actress's career reaped anymore. The low-water mark of this swamps-of-blood Christian thriller was the scene where Swank is told by a yokel, "Some people just don't want to go to heaven." Meaning her, and the atheists, agnostics, and Odin-worshippers in the audience.

I don't know why I think of Ving Rhames as a tough guy dramatic actor first and a comedic actor second. Even his most iconic role, as Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction, was simply a straight-played comic part. Throughout his career he's been in a lot of comedies, from the truly awful (Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot) to the near-perfect (Out of Sight). But I guess lately, aside from the recent I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, he's been pigeon-holed as best-suited for crime thrillers, prison dramas and well-produced horror films, with an occasional fun action pic like the Mission:Impossible movies. Personally, I'd love him to do another movie that mixes all those genres with a touch of comedy, a la the guilty pleasure Con-Air, but I'll settle for just a comedy. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Rhames has signed on to Paramount Vantage's The Goods: The Don Ready Story, which Monika told us recently will star Jeremy Piven as a used car salesman. Also joining the cast is Anchorman's David Koechner.

It wasn't mentioned what kind of characters Rhames and Koechner will be playing, but hopefully they're fellow used car salesmen working alongside Piven, who, more specifically, is a guy who must save the struggling dealership over a Fourth of July weekend. The most logical idea, though, is that whatever Rhames' role, he will be some combination of humor and muscle; the combination is one of the reasons that Rhames can do comedy and still retain his reputation as a bad ass, unlike some other people (please don't ever put Rhames in a babysitting comedy!). The comedy will be produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay via their new company Gary Sanchez Productions, along with Chris Henchy (Entourage) and Kevin Messick (A Lot Like Love). The script was written by Rick Stempson and Andy Stock, who also wrote the upcoming Seann William Scott movie Gary the Tennis Coach. It will be directed by Chappelle's Show actor/writer/director Neal Brennan.

Wayyy back in seventh grade, there was about a two-week period where a group of kids were calling me Gay-vis, instead of Davis. There's an unspoken rule amongst teenage males that states you must call your fellow peers by their last name only. And, since I was always an easy target for gay jokes (not because I was gay, mind you, but because I was weaker than a wet tissue), the boys had a grand time at my expense. I grew up in Staten Island; a borough of New York City full of tough Italian-Americans who used the word 'gay' to describe anything or anyone that wasn't worth their time.

Watching I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry was like taking a trip back 17 years -- back to a time when you couldn't step foot inside a school cafeteria without hearing someone blurt out another unoriginal gay joke. And that's exactly what this latest Adam Sandler comedy is -- a long, 140-minute version of those stereotypical gay jokes that were popular during my youth in the early '90s. Problem is, it's 2007. But if blatant, in-your-face homophobia tickles your funny bone, and you're the type that feels Sandler can do no wrong, then Chuck and Larry should definitely get you off -- but not in a, ya know, gay kind of way.

I really loved the early Adam Sandler comedies, but his comedic output has been pretty grim lately. I expected better things from I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry for two reasons: co-screenwriters Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. Along with the involvement of Steve Buscemi (and I'll be honest, the Jessica Biel underwear shot in the trailer), seeing Payne and Taylor's names in the credits had me downright excited to see the film. They're two of my favorite screenwriters -- Citizen Ruth, Election, Sideways, the beautiful About Schmidt -- these dudes can write. They did an uncredited polish on one of my favorite comedies of this decade -- Meet the Parents -- and I had high hopes that they'd take the struggling Sandler formula into similar territory. I hoped they'd make Chuck and Larry darker, more interesting, more truthful. And apparently they did. You just won't see that version on the screen. Over at Hollywood Elsewhere, Jeffrey Wells discusses the Payne/Taylor draft of the film.

According to Wells, the Payne/Taylor version "is way more invested in realism -- recognizable human behavior, logical bits and plot turns, real-seeming textures. It's obviously a "comedy" but the tone is less slap-sticky, more naturalistic." Wells discusses a lot of differences between the Payne/Taylor script and what wound up in theaters (like a Sandler/James kiss that didn't make it to the final cut), and closes by writing "I've thought and thought about this, and I know a Payne-Taylor version would have gone over better than the one opening on Friday. I know it. Certainly with the critics and the genuinely serious comedy fans (i.e., the ones who own DVDs of Some Like It Hot and Tootsie and Flirting With Disaster)." I do often wonder how many Hollywood movies start out in script form as strong and original and different and weird, and wind up lifeless and unimaginative and boring and stale. I'd imagine a whole lot of crappy films started out great on the page. I hear all these horror stories from writers who had their visions massacred by studios and executives, stars and directors, and it makes me sad. I'll still see the film (hey, it's got to be better than Click, right?), but with lowered expectations. If you get Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor to work on your script, doesn't it make sense to listen to absolutely everything they have to say?

You know, that new Adam Sandler movie where he's an Australian visiting New York? Just kidding. Once again we mislead you with that headline to bring you something more interesting, less ridiculous. Apparently Sandler's actual new movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, might be a rip off of an Australian pic titled Strange Bedfellows, which stars Paul 'Crocodile Dundee' Hogan. Bedfellows came out in 2004 and was that year's biggest Australian production, both Down Under and abroad (note: it still only placed 57th at the Australian box office that year -- after a lot of Hollywood fare). Like Chuck and Larry, Bedfellows is about two guys who pretend they're gay in order to reap financial benefits. Unlike Chuck and Larry, the guys in Bedfellows (Hogan and Michael Caton) are old and aren't firefighters -- they don't even work together. Still too alike? That has yet to be decided.

Nobody involved with Strange Bedfellows has seen the new movie yet, but they're hearing from a lot of people who've seen the trailer, and who see the obvious similarities on the surface. Bedfellows co-writer/director Dean Murphy is especially concerned, having heard strangers mention the likeness between the films after seeing the Chuck and Larry trailer himself. However, until he or the film's American distributor, Screen Media Films, see the whole movie, there won't be any official accusations or legal action. One thing that makes the case more interesting is that Caton claims to have given a copy of Bedfellows to Rob Schneider, who he worked with on The Animal. Schneider plays a bit role in Chuck and Larry, and everyone knows he and Sandler are good buddies. Did Schneider loan his DVD to Sandler, who did produce but did not co-write Chuck and Larry? It's also important to note that Chuck and Larry has been in development for a good six years now, long before Bedfellows even went into production. So, who's ripping off who? I guess we'll find out this weekend, when the new movie opens in theaters -- hopefully some of our readers have seen or will see both movies and will give us some opinions. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry will hit Australian cinemas next month.

Seems like 2007 is shaping up to be the year filled with tons and tons of gay-themed comedies. Wild Hogs kicked things off with a slew of homophobic jokes, Blades of Glory continues the trend this weekend and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is looking to take the whole Hollywood homophobic trend to the next level. The first trailer for Chuck and Larry has just hit Yahoo!, and if you're the type who loves them non-stop gay jokes, then this should be your must-see film of the summer.

In the pic, Adam Sandler and Kevin James star as two New York firefighters who pretend to be gay and married in order to receive domestic partner benefits. Of course they're both as straight as an arrow, which therefore leads to tons and tons of hilarity. I must say all us straight men will probably agree on the best part of this trailer; I won't spoil it, but let's just say it features Jessica Biel (who plays a woman sent to investigate the guys' so-called "partnership") and a very lucky Sandler. It's not that I don't think the movie looks funny (it probably has its moments), it's just the jokes are getting old ... especially when they're predominately featured in every other comedy these days. Maybe it's just me -- I dunno -- tell me what you think. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry hits theaters on July 20.

While I haven't been a big fan of Adam Sandler's last few pics, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is slowly creeping its way up my anticipation radar ... now that the damn thing is finally moving forward with a cast and director. Okay, so Dennis Dugan (who replaced David Dobkin after the dude bailed over "big creative differences") hasn't exactly impressed with a string of crappy comedies, the latest being that awful pile of shtick called The Benchwarmers. However, with a script written by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor (Sideways, Election), I'm now convinced this film will definitely entertain.

Pic, which stars Adam Sandler and Kevin James as a pair of heterosexual firefighters who pose as a gay couple in order to qualify for their department's domestic-partner benefits, has just added Steve Buscemi and Dan Aykroyd to its roster of comedic talent. Buscemi, who also joined Sandler in Big Daddy, Billy Madison and Mr. Deeds, will play a city official hell-bent on revealing the pair's deception. Aykroyd, on the other hand, will slip into the shoes of fire department captain. (On a side note: I've always thought Buscemi would make a great Ghostbuster. If Bill Murray refuses to return for a sequel, I say we throw Buscemi in there and see what happens. Whaddya think?)

Remember that fake gay firemen (hey, they just want domestic partner benefits) flick with the ever-changing cast, and the director who took off because of "big creative differences"? Well, that movie -- properly known as I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry -- officially has its first female cast member. Just so that nobody thinks old Chuck and Larry actually like each other (you know, in that way), Jessica Biel -- and all her female parts -- has been brought on board to star alongside Kevin James and Adam Sandler. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Biel will play the happy couple's lawyer in their court battle to win the partnership benfits. Needless to say, she'll end up being a love interest. Boy, I can just imagine the hilarity: "I like her! But I'm supposed to be gay! Whatever will I do?" I mean, where do they come up with stuff this sharp and new?

The movie is due to start shooting at the end of August under the direction of The Benchwarmers genius, Dennis Dugan.

Wrapping up today's odds and ends:

• In this midst of summarizing the upcoming Superman/Batman festivities, Variety dropped Bryan Singer's target start date for his brilliant or disastrous remake of Logan's Run: if all goes well, shooting will begin in Vancouver this fall. Eeeeexcellent.

• Though they apparently didn't kill him, when he died Chris Penn's body was home to "Valium, morphine, marijuana, and an elevated level of codeine." It's probably safe to say that he wasn't feeling any pain in those last few minutes.

• When we reported that Adam Sandler and Kevin James had agreed to star in it, we detailed the incredibly long path I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry had taken to production - it's been through zillions of stars and multiple writers, none of whom have worked out. And now, yet again, there's a problem: director David Dobkin took off yesterday, "citing big creative differences." Universal claims that they'll hire someone else in time to start this summer, as planned. Sure they will.

• Mischa Barton, who seems to have forgotten that she can't act, has signed on to star alongside Shirley MacLaine in Closing the Ring. A "romantic epic," the film marks Sir Richard Attenborough's return to direction after a break of nearly a decade. Sadly, the task of wringing a performance out of Barton may well drive him away again.