InTheNameOfTheKing Tagged Articles at Cinematical

I suppose that reviewing an Uwe Boll film is a lot like having a fancy restaurant critic do a write-up on McDonald's new McGristle sandwich -- but I'm not "fancy" by any definition of the word, and I've grown madly in love with Uwe Boll's enthusiastically slipshod filmmaking techniques. So to those who thought miracles were actually possible, I have some disappointing news: Boll's latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, is every bit as consistently awful as the director's earlier offerings -- only it's 126 minutes long. And that's just not fair.

Also unfair is the stunningly blatant way in which Mr. Boll tries to rip off the Lord of the Rings trilogy in this chintzy little epic. Every other sequence has a musical cue, a costume, a bit of dialog, or a background character that just fell off the Hobbit truck. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Uwe Boll just spent 126 minutes telling Peter Jackson how thin, talented and gorgeous he is. To be completely fair, I did notice a few components (mainly the action scene editing and a few moments of strangely effective cinematography) that manage to improve upon films like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead and BloodRayne -- but really, you could probably improve upon those three movies using only a cell phone camera and a powerful flashlight.

For a flick that runs two hours, the plot is distressingly skimpy: Villains are ransacking the countryside, so a farmer called Farmer takes up arms, grabs a few sidekicks, and heads out to destroy the evil and perpetually cackling Boss Villain. That's it, really. But we're not going to see an Uwe Boll video game adaptation for the plot, are we? No. We're usually watching his flicks for the sheer unintentional hilarity of it all, but King is even better because it's an ensemble piece! We've got...

It's been a while since we've had anything to report on Uwe Boll's inevitably awesome In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. (Titled as such so as not to be confused with In the Name of the King: A Dig Dug Tale.) It's standard practice for a Boll film to sit on a shelf for about eleven months before getting a release, which gives us plenty of time to sit back and savor the impending masterwork that is A(n) Uwe Boll Film.

At last count the guy had Postal (review here), Seed and Dungeon awaiting release, with BloodRayne 2 recently unleashed and both Tunnel Rats and Far Cry on the immediate horizon. (I wonder if there's a correlation between how prolific Boll is and how terrible his movies are...)

Anyway, the 2-hour-plus all-star adventure movie is poised to hit American theaters on January 12 (courtesy of Freestyle Releasing, to whom I offer good luck), and it was schlock-fan Anne Thompson who let me know that, hehe, there's a NEW Dungeon Siege trailer to check out! Awesome! This one's decidedly dialog-light and exceedingly LOTR-inspired, right down to the matte paintings and the booming voice of John Rhys-Davies. Click here to enjoy the latest trailer for yourself.

C'mon, like the idea of a Uwe Boll adventure movie starring THESE PEOPLE doesn't sound like fun. Ha.

So it's been a little while since I posted anything about Uwe Boll, but this rather excellent article from GameDaily was precisely what I needed to recharge my Boll batteries. With no less than six inevitably awesome projects in the works, I suppose we can get ready for 2007: The Year of the Boll. Ugh, let's just break this celluloid carnage down into bullet points:

• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale -- The $60 million all-star action-adventure is, as they say, "in the can" and clocking in at just over two hours in length. Boll promises a nearly 3-hour version on DVD. The flick recently played at AFM and allegedly received ... praise! Awesome.
• BloodRayne 2 -- The $8.5 million sequel swaps Kristanna Loken for Natassia Malthe, but brings in Michael Pare to play Pat Garrett and Zack Ward for Billy the Kid. Yeah, it's a western -- and Billy the Kid is also a vampire. Yes, seriously. Regarding the subtler nuances of subtextual characterization, Boll says "We're going more bad ass in a way because BloodRayne does not have the internal battle of morality and integrity." Sounds like someone's been going to English class! Oh, and apparently there will almost definitely be a BloodRayne 3. Sweet!
  
• Postal -- Nearing completion and inevitably whacked. Guess who's starring? Zack Ward and Michael Pare. It's like DeVito/Douglas/Turner all over again.
• Seed -- Still coming somewhat soon: A horror movie. Michael Pare is starring. Yeah, Boll's found his muse in the Eddie and the Cruisers dude. IMDb says this movie is "completed," so keep your eyes peeled as you wander past that $5.50 DVD rack at Walmart.
  
• Far Cry -- Production begins in Hawaii this May, and Uwe seems pretty pumped about this particular project. Jason Statham may star, but apparently he's waiting to see how Dungeon Siege is received before he signs on with Boll again. (Statham must have a new agent.) Boll expects game company Ubisoft to be extra-helpful where the Far Cry movie is concerned, which hasn't happened on his previous projects ... for various and obvious reasons.
• Alone in the Dark 2 -- With his hilariously packed schedule, Boll couldn't possibly direct this (entirely unnecessary) sequel, so he's handing the franchise off to the guys who wrote the first Alone in the Dark -- which is sort of like leaving a lit candle in charge of 45 megatons of dynamite. Christian Slater might be returning for the sequel, but if not the director definitely wants someone "who looks like" the character in the video game. This guy's casting agents must have the world's funnest job.

...and when all this is over and done with, Uwe Boll wants to direct a movie about the Vietnam War. So which one will it be: Medal of Honor or Call of Duty? And how big will Michael Pare's role be?

And the Boll just keeps on rolling. Our excellent new guy Kevin Kelly recently shared some sequel news regarding Dr. Uwe Boll, but I hope you'll forgive me for expelling just a little extra information -- and venom ...

As if it weren't enough to treat our planet to the ultra-junkernaut trilogy that is House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and BloodRayne, to bitch about his well-earned and frequent criticisms, and to pummel a bunch of skinny kids into submission in a boxing ring ...

As if it weren't enough to threaten us with Seed, Postal and (god help us) In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale ... the guy's got more love yet to give: According to one of JoBlo's scoopers, Dr. Boll is planning not only that sequel called BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, but also something that's being described as "a sequel to Alone in the Dark." Argh! Nerdbuzz indicates that Kristanna Loken will be returning to play Ms. Rayne, and also that Christian Slater may be returning for his own indecipherable sequel. (Hey, actors gotta eat.)

Oh Uwe. Frankly, I just love this guy. He makes my job fun. He really does. I mean, how many filmmakers would be confident enough to mount sequels to flicks this amazingly bad? OK, Adam Shankman might, true. That's an easy one, but most filmmakers generally try to separate themselves from earlier failures -- whereas Bollman seems to revel in his cinematic travesties like a pigs wallows in their own ... well ... poop.

But hey, bring on the sequels, I say. Unintentional hilarity is still hilarity.

Y'know, if Uwe Boll decides to off himself one day, we're all gonna feel pretty darn awful about it. Seriously, we will. No matter how earth-shatteringly ridiculous the guy's movies are (and dear jeebus are they), he's still a human being with thoughts and hopes and emotions and dreams -- plus, and I mean this, the modern movie landscape really is a whole lot more colorful with a little Uwe mixed in. If there was no Boll, who would we make fun of? Adam Shankman? Meh. Movie geeks like us need our Uwe Bolls. Plus I'll go on record right now with a semi-compliment for for the guy: His movies sure aren't boring. And nowadays Boll's flicks are funnier than Adam Sandler's. Intent be damned, laughs are laughs.

Having said all that, Seed, Dr. B's next movie is based on the following premise: "If a death row convict survives three full zaps in the electric chair, then legally he is allowed to go free." (What lawyer came up with that rule, and more importantly, what event predicated such a bizarre loophole?) As if a guy who survives 15,000 volts (times three) would be in any condition to "go" anywhere other than a well-staffed burn unit. But we're talking about Uwe Boll, most likely fresh from a VHS screening of Wes Craven's Shocker, so perhaps now isn't the time to be discussing things that make sense. So with the ultra-anticipated-by-me In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale somewhere on the limited-release-for-six-days horizon, Dr. B is now hard at work on Seed, evidence of which can be found at SKNR.net -- but don't be stealing those photos because they're extra-exclusive and whatnot.

Starring Ralf Moeller as the warden, Michael Paré as the detective, Andrew Jackson as the doctor, and Will Sanderson as extra-crispy bucket 'o' serial killer Max Seed, Seed is Uwe Boll's first non-video game production since the head-smackingly awful Heart of America, which I once referred to as "the Colombine tragedy as translated into coloring book form." Anyway, the quicker Uwe gets done with Seed, the sooner we'll have a new project to chuckle over. I hope the guy makes eight more movies in the next five years. (He's already started on this one -- and you thought you'd never see a movie starring Ron Perlman and Gary Coleman.)

In between finishing his latest movie, starting up his next TWO, and threatening to beat the snot out of any film critics who don't like it, Dr. Uwe Boll has also found time to string together an all-new trailer for his next magnum opus. The good news is that it's not a horror movie; the bad news is that, yes, it's another movie based on a video game. (Well, based on a video game and every movie from Lord of the Rings to Krull, it seems.)

It's called In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, as if to imply that there might be more than one tale worth telling, yikes, and it stars (get this) Jason Statham (Transporter!), Matthew Lillard (Shaggy!), Burt Reynolds (Bandit!), John Rhys-Davies (Sallah!), Leelee Sobieski (Helen Hunt Jr!), DTV Queen Claire Forlani, Ron Perlman (Hellboy!), Kristanna Loken (Bloodrayne!), Will Sanderson (who?), and a very nefarious-looking Ray Liotta! Jeez o man ... I look at it this way: If I were at a backyard barbecue, and the aforementioned actors got really drunk, threw on some Mordor costumes, and started slapping each other with swords ... damn, that'd be fun to watch.

Originally rumored to be a sprawling two-part epic, Dungeon Siege now looks to be your standard adventure movie length, thank jeebus for small favors. And despite the fact that I've seen and appropriately ridiculed every Uwe Boll movie out there, I must admit that I can't wait to see THIS one! Mwaha!