There is no way I can start this news with anything but the song, so get that puppy playing and continue reading. The Hollywood Reporter posts that J. J. Abrams is teaming up with Paramount to give us Jay Dyer's new spec, one that has a name that jumps back to the '80s -- Hot for Teacher.

Aptly, the film is said to be "a Superbad-like story of a high school senior who sets out to have sex with his teacher before he graduates." He's got it bad, he's got it bad, he's hot for teacher! My expectations have soared through the roof for this project, so I hope it's at least half as good as I imagine it could be. Yes, I have a long-standing appreciation for Diamond Dave.

If this is already being compared to Superbad, I'm expecting that there will be the classic "Hot for Teacher" dance in tuxes with the head clutch, the heart grab, and then crotch clasp. A verrrrrry long guitar solo library shot would be cool too. Part of Superbad's charm was merging current kids with old-school music, and this new project is based on a Van Halen song, so hopefully there are at least a few nods to the old days.

Those of us who saw Cloverfield in theaters this past January watched the monster movie in the wrong way. According to a new Reuters article, the movie's producer, J.J. Abrams, says it's really meant for home viewing: "The thing about this movie -- probably more than any I think -- is that it is better on DVD than in the theater," Abrams told Reuters. "Because the movie is like a videotape. It lives on your TV. In many ways, it is supposed to be viewed on a (TV) monitor."

Interesting. Wait, so does that mean I was correct when I wrote in my column, "The Exhibitionist", about Cloverfield being "theatrically inappropriate"? I went so far as to say that it had no business being shown in theaters at all, which I'm sure Abrams doesn't agree with, and I also said that it was most appropriately viewed in a YouTube window. I received some of my harshest criticism ever for that column, yet I don't mean to now jump around bragging that I was right and the commenters were wrong. Anytime a post on Cinematical can get 42 responses (or more), in which movie fans get into a heated discussion about films, formats and fun (as in the adjective used to describe the experience of seeing Cloverfield in a theater), is 100% a good thing. Yes, even when I'm said to be "misguided" or "having an off day".

Simon Pegg is going to be in trouble! Even he says so. When asked about Star Trek by AICN, he was extremely wary. "There is very little I can say, because there is a Paramount sniper trained on the back of my head as I speak. He's on a building and I'm not going to look, because he will know I know he is there."

But he talked anyway. You need to head over to read (and listen to!) the entire interview, where Pegg talks about everything from Run Fatboy Run, to Spaced, to Hot Fuzz, and, of course, Star Trek. I will post the best bits here, though, because I know you're dying to read them.

Pegg elaborated on taking on the iconic role and stressed how conscientious he was to play the part with the utmost respect. "One thing I didn't want to do is an impression of James Doohan, because I wouldn't want anyone to think I was making fun of him, you know? If I started doing an impersonation of the actor that played Scotty, that would be doing the part and the actor a disservice, so my intention was to take it as James did when he first picked up the script, and just say 'Okay, he's a physics genius, he's an engineer, he's from Scotland ...' and approach the character like that and to have my interpretation of it."

Aussie thespian Eric Bana was on hand at today's junket for The Other Boleyn Girl in Manhattan, and no surprise -- he was peppered with questions about his recent, confusing comments regarding his role in the upcoming J.J. Abrams film adaptation of Star Trek. Bana was recently quoted in an Australian newspaper as speaking of the part of Nero -- thought to be the film's main villain -- as only a "cameo," so after a few polite questions about TOBG were tossed around today, I broached the subject with Bana. Isn't Nero the main villain in this movie, I asked? To which he replied: "Well, I guess he kind of is, but I guess what I mean is that in the context of the roles I usually do, the weight is firmly on other areas, you know what I mean? It's not one of those roles where you're carrying the movie, is what I'm saying. I feel like I'm very much in a supporting role, not one of the main guys. So 'cameo' is a way of saying I don't feel like, as I am in this film or some other films, where you're clearly carrying a lot of the film. It's a luxury to not be in that position. It's nice to be offered a part like that."

Bana went on to say that he had not filmed his part yet. "They started shooting quite a while ago," he said. "I've got the plum gig on that film, I've gotta say. I haven't even started yet. I just go in at the very end and do my cameo." When asked if he was a 'Trekkie,' he responded thusly: "I like the show, I liked the original as a kid. I loved it. I haven't seen a lot of the movies since, but I was a fan of the original series. But that wouldn't have been enough, even if I was crazy about the original series it wouldn't have been enough to make me sign on to a film I didn't want to do. I just read the script and I went 'that is an awesome script' and it's J.J. and it'd be a good time, to play a character like that. It was a very easy decision."

The first 'reality blockbuster' is a winner. Cloverfield is a lean, brisk roller-coaster of a monster movie, buoyed by the lack of story gimmicks and absurd characterizations that weigh down most movies of this ilk, no offense to you personally Mr. Broderick. In the aftermath, it will dawn on you that it's actually quite traditional -- every character has an arc -- but it doesn't feel that way. Nor does it feel like 'found footage', but something in between. Watch the prologue carefully, as our narrator/cameraman, whose point of view we'll share, is trying to make a standard going-away party commemoration tape interesting by sniffing out some sex gossip and self-consciously creating his own drama with a girl who wishes he'd get lost. This guy has filmmaking instincts, and when circumstances change and he becomes a 'character' in a disaster movie, he goes with it. He's not just pointing a camera -- he's making Cloverfield: The Movie. Ten years ago, we would have said 'it's not realistic that this guy would keep the camera rolling,' but those days are long gone.

Again, there's no pretense of reality here -- the 20-something party people who we meet and whose lives are flipped by the arrival of the monster are all as pretty and as vapid as anyone on Laguna Beach and they never become less glamorous as the movie goes on -- no one is caught in need of a snot-rag, ala Blair Witch. Among the main characters are Rob (Michael Stahl-David), the guest of honor at the party who is leaving for a new job in Japan, Beth (Odette Yustman) his ex-girlfriend who he still has feelings for but would only admit it if, say, her life were in mortal danger or something, and Marlena (Lizzy Caplan) whose quiet, wide-eyed demeanor and gruff sarcasm make her a bad candidate for 'Survivor Girl.' As the advertising will tell you, some characters will live and some will die but you never know when and where and one death is so shocking and inexplicable I wish very much that I hadn't already seen it a hundred times in the movie's 'give everything away' advertising.

Talk about a casting scoop. The nice people over at UGO.com are reporting with all confidence that Tyler Perry -- yes, you heard me -- has joined the cast of J.J. Abrams' Star Trek. According to the site, Perry will play the head of Starfleet Academy who acts in a sort of prosecutorial role in a courtroom scenario when a young Kirk cheats on a test and must be punished. This is apparently a well-known event in Trek lore, and UGO gives the whole breakdown of what happens. It seems that Spock finds out that Kirk cheated and turns him in and then ... that's about where the scoop stops. But forget all that -- Tyler Perry?! I'll admit that I've been lucky enough to avoid all of his movies, but I live in the same country as you do so I know who he is, and this seems like casting that's almost intended to be jarring. And lucrative ... everyone knows what an insane moneymaker Perry is, and this move is obviously designed as a test to see if that money tree can be planted in foreign soil.

I imagine that Paramount will create an entire secondary marketing channel that caters specifically to Perry's devoted church crowd. It will go something like this: "Come and see the latest Tyler Perry movie, in which he delivers some down home Southern schoolin' to a test-cheating white boy and shows him that the only place he needs to 'boldly go' is straight to church." Will the teaser trailer show a guy in drag chasing a pointy-eared guy with a rolling pin around the deck of a ship? Probably not, but this casting is so out there that, combined with how incongruous the other casting choices have been so far, I'm now almost excited to see this film.

I'm still holding out for the surprise announcement that William Shatner will indeed appear in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek. In the meantime, though, I expect to hear another complaint from the original Captain Kirk after reading this juicy bit of goodness: George Takei has a cameo in the upcoming movie*, which will be a prequel-ish reboot of the TV and movie franchise. According to a Starburst magazine interview with the actor, Takei will feature in a flash-forward scene that will also showcase original Spock, Leonard Nimoy. From the sound of it, he will be returning to his iconic role as an older version of Sulu. Best guess is that Takei and Nimoy will be sitting in futuristic rocking chairs reminiscing about their beginnings at the Starfleet Academy, and this scene will be the prologue to the rest of the movie. Playing the younger versions of Sulu and Spock throughout the rest of the film are John Cho and Zachary Quinto, respectively.

Well, if Shatner doesn't put up more of a fuss, the fans should. After all, as long as we're getting two of the surviving original cast members, why can't we get the rest? Sure, it would be a sad scene, considering DeForest Kelley (Bones) and James Doohan (Scotty) aren't around to be a part of such a reunion, but the Trekkies would certainly appreciate seeing Nichelle Nichols (Uhuru), Walter Koenig and of course Shatner together again. Am I right? They could all have a few laughs while yelling at the kids to get off their damn lawns. And we could all feel better about having to accept all new actors as these beloved characters. So, who is going to start the online petition? Oh wait, that's already been done.

*UPDATE: Apparently this is just another rumor, one that has been debunked. According to TrekMovie.com, Takei will not have a cameo in the new Star Trek.

Hot because: Between his slow-boil disaster flick Cloverfield and his upcoming directorial work on a long-rumored re-boot of the Star Trek franchise, the man behind Lost, Alias, M:I III, Joy Ride and even Regarding Henry is getting set for a block-rocking 2008. The Cloverfield build-up has been masterfully slow and insidious. (A note to the marketing team behind The Mist's spoil-tastic trailer -- which should have had a music bed of the Red Hot Chili Peppers singing "Give it away, give it away, give it away, give it away now!" as one of the best moments in the film played out in full and completely: Cloverfield is how you do a monster movie trailer.) And for every head-scratching moment in Star Trek's casting (Karl Urban as McCoy? What, Dakota Fanning wasn't available?), the vast majority of the announcements coming out of the project make it sound like Abrams wants to keep Trek on track -- and, with extras only allowed to walk outside in long, costume-hiding robes, under wraps. How to stay hot: Well, the dream that a plum pitch, smart marketing and geek-tastic ideas automatically means great movie making can be punctured by three painfully sharp words: The Matrix Revolutions. Hype -- even well-handled and hand-crafted hype -- is pretty much irrelevant if the movies are no good, and the fact that the writing team -- excuse me while I ironicize that properly: the "writing" team behind Transformers are also scripting Star Trek doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Abrams needs to spend as much time reading and re-writing Trek as possible -- because re-starting a stalled franchise means you need a strong motor and a place to go far more than just a flashy fresh paint job.

Next up: You might bee surprised!

Those darling little devils over at (JFX Online?, whose site appears to be either down or overloaded at the moment) have scored the first top secret (not anymore though) pics of Zachary Quinto on the set of Star Trek XI ... and he's dressed as -- yup -- Spock. Freaky, the dude totally looks the part. It's kind of funny when you think about it; director J.J. Abrams has done one helluva job protecting the mystery surrounding Cloverfield (aka 1-18-08), but within the first few days of filming, we've already seen pics of the Trek cast, and now pics of Quinto as Spock. Abrams and his crew have worked hard to keep the cast's outfits a secret, going so far as to make them wear black trenchoats with hoods (thus the Star Trek cult was born), but someone managed to snag these fantastic (yet a tad blurry) photos. Good job, I say.

Quinto was the one cast member who looked the most like the character he was taking on; what with that oval face and all. So it doesn't surprise me that the guy looks the part -- but can he play it? That's the better question. Additionally, IESB has also scored video of Quinto, the location shooting and a blue screen set up at a chapel ... or something. They have the entire description, as well as pics of the actual chapel (which they claim may be on Vulcan), so head on over there to check that out.

[photo via Slashfilm]

The official casting call has gone out for Star Trek XI, directed by J.J. Abrams, and Coming Soon managed to grab all the details. If you just happen to be a Vulcan in your spare time, then there's a pretty good chance they'll cast you (and judging by how many Trek nuts are out there, I'm sure there's quite a few who actually believe they're Vulcan). Here's a taste of what they're looking for:

[MALES & FEMALES] - Ages 18-70, any ethnicity: to play Cadets: young, fresh-faced, Military types: marching experience preferred, thin, regal talent with BROWN or BLACK hair AND are OK with their eyebrows being shaved from the arch outward to portray a Vulcan-type eyebrow shape.

Talent with interesting and unique facial features such as: long necks, small heads, extremely large heads, wide-set eyes, bug eyes, close-set eyes, large forehead, short upper lip, pronounced cheekbones, over- or undersized ears and/or nose, facial deformities, ultra plain-looking people, ultra perfect-looking people, pure wholesome looks, twins, triplets, emaciated talent, regally poised and postured talent, or other visually unique characteristics.

Did you get all that? And how hysterical is it that they're seeking "ultra perfect-looking people?" Can I meet the person who walks in to the casting call solely because they feel like they look "ultra perfect?" And what's up with "emaciated talent?" That one just creeps me out -- and as I write that, someone at home runs to the mirror: "Emaciated talent? Sh*t, that's me!" Gotta love these casting calls and the way they define people. Check out the rest over at Coming Soon; the ultra perfect-looking Star Trek XI will hit theaters Christmas, 2008.

Last Sunday, Cinematical was the first to tell you that Chris Pine was the odds-on favorite to take on the big role of psycho cop Junior Stemmons in Joe Carnahan's White Jazz. Carnahan has subsequently confirmed as much on his blog. The role is Pine's if he wants it, so why is he not signing on the dotted line? The reason, as I understand it, is that he's pretty much being forced to choose between a major, potentially star-making role in White Jazz or a very minor role as Captain Kirk in J.J. Abrams new Star Trek film. In today's Variety, we learn that Simon Pegg has landed the role of Scotty in that film and that Pine has been officially offered the captain's chair, but hasn't yet taken it. I can see how this would be a tough choice. Even though it's well known that the new Star Trek film is practically sans-Kirk, the prestige of getting to play Kirk could open all kinds of doors for this kid, and who knows -- White Jazz may not turn out as well as everyone hopes. He's between a rock and a hard place. In other Star Trek XI casting news, The Hollywood Reporter tells us that John Cho, of Harold and Kumar fame, has landed the role of Sulu.

In other White Jazz news, Smokin' Joe has put up some more awesome concept art on his blog. This time it's not quite as cool as the panoramic view of 1958 Los Angeles, but it does have a ring of high-class sleaze to it that's reminiscent of L.A. Confidential. The large piece of art has the story's anti-hero Dave Klein walking away, with head down, from some swank Hollywood home that looks like where Pierce Patchett would live. If Joe has any heart at all, he's going to let me onto the set of this movie!

Like most people on the internet, we at Cinematical love lists. I love them so much that I wish I could write about everyone I read, but unfortunately there are too many geeks out there making up too many lists, and not enough love to go round (can't you see this is the land of confusion .... ). But since another thing we love around here is Star Wars -- not just the movies but also the fans, the debates, the complaints, etc. -- I figured that these four lists were worth sharing. Because they all mention something related to George Lucas' popular universe. Three of the lists also reference a lot of Star Trek, but with J.J. Abrams rebooting the franchise and all, I think Trekkies have enough love right now. Meanwhile, the 30th Anniversary of Star Wars occurred this year, and we still had to read about things like the Harry Potter franchise out-grossing the Star Wars series and Serenity beating out Star Wars as a best sci-fi film poll. So, thanks to the people at Fark.com, who love lists even more than we do, here are four movie-related lists that give some appropriate props:

• First we have the Times' countdown of the 40 most memorable aliens. Unfortunately, the only Star Wars aliens listed are at #32 and #26, and they're the Ewoks and Max Rebo, respectively. Considering most of the characters in the series can be considered aliens, this is harsh, but since I'm one of the few Ewok fans out there, I appreciate the gesture. Even if ALF is higher up on the list than they are. At least they're still better than the Coneheads. Anyway the top ten here is full of other significant movie aliens, including the arachnids of Starship Troopers, E.T., the Transformers, Superman, The Blob, The Thing and, at the top spot, God.
  
• Next there's Kunochan.com's countdown of the top twenty starship captains. Once again, Star Wars doesn't get the #1, but it's understandable that Star Trek's most famous captains get the first two slots. At #3, though, is Han Solo. However, the list's author does point out that he had to put a Star Wars character in the top five to avoid having his house firebombed. I don't mind the disingenuous comment; Solo deserves to be higher up than Captain Janeway and the dude from Firefly/Serenity. Down the line at #11 we've also got Grand Moff Tarkin.

Let's see now, we've got a Spock, a Uhura and a Chekov. We still need a Kirk, a Scott, a McCoy ("Bones") and a Sulu. I feel like I'm collecting trading cards, but really I'm just anxiously awaiting more Star Trek news. The new sorta-prequel (aka Star Trek XI) is set to begin filming soon, so it's about time J.J. Abrams finds the rest of his cast. Or, if he's already found his stars, it's about time Paramount announced them. At least the rumors and unconfirmed choices continue to float around the net. In fact, this morning we have two fairly reliable sources reporting new names to place in the Kirk and Scott slots.

The investigative team over at IESB got word that Mike Vogel (Poseidon) is the front-runner to fill William Shatner's shoes in the role of James T. Kirk. The site attempted to confirm the rumor with both Paramount and Vogel's agents, but obviously neither would comment. But IESB did get a hint of nervousness from the latter, Gersh Agency, which was curious about where this news had come from. The way IESB's Robert Sanchez relays the encounter, it does sound like a slight, accidental confirmation. But we'll see. Vogel (who makes me think of Superbad's Fogel) is also co-starring in the Abrams-produced monster movie coming in January -- you know, Cloverfield, 1-18-08 or whatever it will be titled -- so at least we know the actor has an in with the director.

I'm sure you've been waiting for another morsel about the 1-18-08 -aka- Cloverfield flick. Bit by teeny little bit, news has been coming out about this film, which has to speed up at some point if it wants to make its '08 release date. 1-18-08news.com has posted the next little piece -- a heads up that the official website has been updated. It now includes a roar. Yes, that's it -- a roar. If you go to the website, sit there and wait for a while you'll hear it -- although to me it sounds like a roar that turns into some sort of guitar screech. Obviously this is a little bone for the uber-anxious, since not everyone will just keep the website open on their browser long enough to hear the jump-inducer. I'm wondering if it would've been better to do one of those e-mail forwards that tells you to stare at some picture long enough ... it would be a great way to introduce the monster!

Beyond that, there's nothing really new to report. Personally, I'm really itching to see how Drew Goddard does on his first feature film script. He got his start on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and wrote some of the best of the latter episodes, like Conversations with Dead People. (He's also often referred to as the hot Buffy writer, which is understandable, since the guy is a looker.) Since then he's written for Angel as well as J.J. Abrams' two shows, Alias and Lost -- so he's got some experience with mysterious and other-worldly fare. What's surprising is the other Abrams crew on the job as director -- Felicity exec producer/writer/director Matt Reeves, whose last feature was the David Schwimmer stinker The Pallbearer. Stay tuned for the next crumb ... sure to be thrown at some point!

Just when I'm getting tired of all the secrets, rumors and reveals surrounding 'Cloverfield', J.J. Abrams has announced another movie he's producing. Does this mean we can begin over-hyping looking forward to another crazy marketing plan? I don't know, but considering all the noise for both 'Cloverfield' and Star Trek, we should expect more of the same from Abrams and his company, Bad Robot. It isn't surprising that this new project was announced without any plot synopsis given -- nor any title. The only thing known is that it will be a supernatural thriller and that Joshua Marston (Maria Full of Grace) will write and direct. This is still more than we know about four other Bad Robot movies. According to Variety, the production company has seven movies in development at Paramount, including a comedy, a romantic comedy, a horror film and a supernatural film (possibly different than this one). I'm guessing that the Lost movie isn't one of those counted, either.

Despite the secrecy, I'm eager to see what comes of this shrouded pitch, and I'm very glad to see that Joshua Marston is actually going to deliver another film. It's been four years since he won tons of accolades for Maria Full of Grace, and I'd love to see what else he's got. He's still apparently working hard on an adaptation of Jonathan Lethem's novel The Fortress of Solitude, but that project has been very slow. As for that Iraqi Convoy Project we heard about two years ago, it must be dead (although, if you type in "Iraqi Convoy" into the IMDb.com search, you get this). It is possible that this new project will take priority and be Marston's next movie. Bad Robot is expected to produce two projects a year for Paramount, and they've already got two lined up for 2008 (bookending the year in January and December), so maybe "Untitled Joshua Marston Supernatural Thriller" will be due in '09.