JingleAllTheWay Tagged Articles at Cinematical

Just like any other genre, the Christmas movie relies on a laundry list of tried and true formulas to get you into the theater, and some of them are becoming a bit tiresome. If you want to avoid getting suckered into watching the same old holiday schmalz-fest this year that you've seen the last ten years prior, and you're not sure how to go about it, take this list as my gift to you.

It Tries to Make the Nativity Dramatic

Movies that try to make a compelling drama out of the birth of Jesus Christ often hit a brick wall when they realize that there's really no story there. Sure, if you're a Christian the birth itself is a compelling moment -- key word being moment -- but there's nothing before or after that lends itself to the structure of modern drama. Witness the recent live-action drama, The Nativity Story, a horrid film that resorted to making Three Stooges of the Three Wise Men and creating entire absurd subplots about astrophysics in order to get around the fact that there's about five minutes worth of compelling material here to work with. Hopefully it will be a long, long time -- never, please -- before anyone makes this mistake again.

It's Called 'Jingle all the Way'

Seriously, let's all just agree on this one. There are many things that Arnold Schwarzenegger is suited for -- or was suited for around 1987 -- but one of them is not showering an audience with holiday merriment. The other day I was at Best Buy and the guy behind the counter actually tried to convince me that Jingle all the Way was a beloved classic that belonged in my DVD library. That's when I put on my glasses and took a closer look -- turns out the guy behind the counter was Sinbad. Enough said. Let's also point out that Turbo-Man seemed like just about the lamest toy since Tom Hanks trotted out that keyboard in Big that you had to play by dancing on the keys.

This story should come as no surprise to anyone: religious groups are upset with the horror flick Black Christmas bloodying up their holiday. Matthew Staver of Liberty Council called the release "ill founded" and Jennifer Giroux of Operation Just Say Merry Christmas said the movie has "assualted" the most sacred of holy days. If I was head of Dimension, I'd use those quotes in an ad.

Dimension has at least issued a statement in response to the complaints: "There is a long tradition of releasing horror movies during the holiday season," the company said, "as counter-programming to the more regular yuletide fare." That's the truth. A power search on the IMDb of Christmas and horror reveals 53 titles (sure not all of them really apply here).

What I want to know is, how many Christmas movies made these days do Staver and Giroux approve of? Certainly Black Christmas and other holiday horrors aren't as bad as some truly inappropriate and damaging Christmas movies. I'm not even referring to cynical flicks like Bad Santa and Christmas Vacation. I mean the badly written family films that center on the consumerist Christmas yet insincerely present a moral tale about how family is more important than presents. Or, worse, the awful slapstick Christmas comedies like Deck the Halls that have no redeeming association with Christmas whatsoever. C'mon, there are so many movies that are more sacreligious than Black Christmas. Care to name a few?

Related posts:

Guilty Pleasures: Silent Night, Bloody Night

12 Days of Cinematicalmas : The World's Most Obnoxious Xmas Comedies

John Waters Jingles for Christmas and Evil

Review: Deck the Halls

OK, with a name like "Weinberg," I wouldn't blame you for questioning my expertise in the arena of "Christmas." But I've been a big fan of the holiday, the season and (yes) even the music since I was old enough to ask my parents "Why don't Jews believe in Santa Claus?" (I stumped her on that one, I think.) And one of my very favorite things about Christmas are the traditional movies. (In my house, "traditional" Christmas movies include Scrooged, A Christmas Story, Gremlins, Die Hard, Black Christmas, Bad Santa and Christmas Vacation.) So when the newest crop of Xmas flicks hits the scene each year, I try to keep an eye out for the solid ones -- and then yesterday I saw a trailer for something called Deck the Halls.

Now, obviously one cannot judge a film without having seen the thing, but -- holy moley does this thing look like a cinematic abortion of the loudest and most hellaciously obnoxious order. Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick play a pair of neighbors who'll stop at nothing to prevent each other from having the flashiest Xmas-house on the block. Expect 79 minutes of horrible slapstick schtick by hateful characters and 11 minutes of warmed-up seasonal "warmth" that fits into the movie about as well as a tongue-kiss fits in at the dentist's office.

So anyway, the Deck the Halls trailer reminded me -- hey, there's been a whole BUNCH of really rotten Christmas comedies over the past few decades! At least seven, anyway! Which brings us to the list; all naughty, no nice.