Labyrinth Tagged Articles at Cinematical

As I pointed out in my Poltergeist review, I didn't watch much horror as a boy. That's probably a good thing, as even the non-horror flicks I enjoyed often scared the bejesus out of me. You kids today don't know how lucky you have it with your wussy Shreks and your lamewad Pikachus! Children of the 1980s are still in therapy over what Hollywood deemed "family films" back then. The following non-horror mind-screws should prove my point.

Return to Oz (1985)

In high school, I brought Return to Oz to a Halloween movie marathon. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid. Everyone scoffed. "A Wizard of Oz sequel? That's supposed to scare us?" I didn't hear a lot of mockery after the movie started. In fact, nobody said a word until about halfway through, when a friend of mine whispered "Can we please turn this off?" I'm not sure who thought this movie was appropriate for children. It gave me nightmares for nearly a decade.

Dorothy finds a key with an Oz symbol on it, shows it to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry as proof that Oz exists, and is sent to an insane asylum! An evil insane asylum where they give our young heroine electro-shock therapy! That's how this "childrens' film" starts! Once Dorothy gets to Oz, it's a speeding night train of horrors. How about that Nome King? Good LORD! Winged monkeys aren't scary enough anymore, let's give the kids The Wheelers -- sadistic shrieking psychopaths with roller skates instead of hands and feet! Kids today won't be satisfied with just a standard wicked witch, let's really ramp that up too, and ruin their lives! The sequence with the witch's cabinets full of human heads easily rivals anything in the Nightmare on Elm Street series for sheer terror. "Dorothy Gaaaaaale!!!!"

Even the heroes are horrifying! Jack Pumpkinhead? A hybrid stick n' pumpkin creature who calls Dorothy "Mother"? That's your good guy? Not cool, Return to Oz. Not cool.

The Neverending Story (1984)

Along the same lines as Return to Oz, The Neverending Story feels way too dark, weird, and just...wrong to be a kids' movie. I feel my eyes welling up now remembering Atreyu's horse slowly sinking into quicksand and dying. I can't even talk about the Gmork, that big wolfy vampire thing. And a storm called "The Nothing?" Sweet fancy Moses! Also, again, the heroes should not be scarier than the villains! The racing snail? The Rockbiter? That bat-dude? And Falkor? A big flying dog/dragon mutation with disgusting scaly eggs on his skin? We were supposed to root for this hellacious beast?

Another scream-inducing aspect -- one of the worst theme songs in all of 80's film. And that's saying a whole lot!

Over the years, we've seen several lists that attempt to name the top movie villains of all time. From Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) in Die Hard (my personal favorite) to Jack Nicholson's Joker, we could probably sit here, throw out a number of intimidating bad guys and debate all day long. But what about the least intimidating? Those baddies who were supposed to frighten us, but couldn't quite live up to their evil reputations?

Well, The Phat Phree has come up with a list of the 11 least intimidating movie villains of all time ... and I must say, they're pretty spot on ... except for two. Let's see, we have Mr. Glass (Samuel L. Jackson) in Unbreakable, Madison Lane (Demi Moore) in Charlie's Angels 2, Chucky in Child's Play (c'mon, it's a doll!), The Goblin King Jareth (David Bowie) in Labyrinth, Darth Vader (the Hayden Christensen version), Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow) in Superman IV and (perhaps their best pick) John Travolta in everything (Broken Arrow, Battlefield Earth, Face Off, The Punisher, Swordfish), among others. One of the villains I strongly disagree with is John Kreese (Martin Kove) in Karate Kid 1, 2 and 3. Talk about intimidating -- when I was growing up, that guy scared the crap out of me. I actually quit Karate lessons just so I didn't have to run into one of him down the line. Seriously.

Another bad pick (thrown in as an honorable mention) was Zod (Terrence Stamp) from Superman 2. No way! Zod was The Man! And certainly a very intimidating villain. Check out their list and let us know who should or shouldn't be on there. If you ask me, almost every Batman villain (Danny DeVito as The Penguin? Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze?) should've at least got a mention. What say you?

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• Timothy Albrecht (?-2006) - Choreographer for The Intern, Camp and Pretty Dead Girl. He died in his sleep December 9, in Los Angeles.
• Nicolas Balla (1918-2006) - Producer of many short documentaries for the National Film Board of Canada.
• Jack Bean (c.1922-2006) - Producer of Witches' Brew and Very Close Quarters. He died of pneumonia December 5, in Beverly Hills, California.
• Peter Brayham (?-2006) - Stuntman on a number of Peckinpah and 007 films, including Straw Dogs, Goldfinger and Live and Let Die, as well as Brannigan, The Guns of Navarone and Sweeney! He later coordinated/arranged stunts on Cross of Iron, Time Bandits, The Razor's Edge, White Nights, Spice World, Quadraphenia, Drowning by Numbers, Bridget Jones' Diary and My Left Foot. He also played named characters in From Russia With Love and Safari 3000. He died of a heart attack.
• Glenis S. Gross (c.1943-2006) - Co-founder of Coming Home Entertainment and Coming Home Studios, which produced straight-to-video music documentaries and concert films. She died of complications from diabetes November 24, in Oceanside, California.
• Anthony Jackson (1944-2006) - Actor who provided character voices for Labyrinth and appeared in Alan Cumming's Burn Your Phone. He died of cancer November 27, in London.
• Max (c.1987-2006) - Potbelly pig owned by George Clooney, who once told USA Today that the pet was his longest relationship. He died of natural causes December 1, in Hollywood, California.
• Kevin McClory (1926-2006) - Director, screenwriter, producer and assorted crew member who co-wrote and produced the 007 pic Thunderball (and its sorta remake Never Say Never). He was a boom operator and assistant to John Huston on Moulin Rouge (1952) and The African Queen, assistant director on Huston's Moby Dick, second unit director on Around the World in 80 Days (1956), location manager on The Cockleshell Heroes and writer-director-producer on a flop called The Boy and the Bridge. He died November 20, in London.
  

When I first saw this headline, I immediately felt a tingle creep up my spine and couldn't help but cry out, "Yes! They're remaking Labyrinth! Bowie! Bowie!" However, after reading the story, cringing as Variety ripped out my heart and diced it up sushi-style right in front of my eyes, I realized we're talking a different Labyrinth here. Boo!

Oscar-winner Hilary Swank is set to star in a remake of the 2003 French thriller Labyrinth, with Russell Gewirtz (Inside Man) penning the script. Pic is described as a psychological thriller about a "mental patient with multiple personalities who holds clues to the whereabouts of a serial killer." I've never seen the French film, but based just on that description, it appears to be a mix of Silence of the Lambs and Don't Say A Word, with the latter kind of, well, sucking. I assume Swank will play the mental patient (Ahem, Oscar nom? Anyone?), but what about the serial killer? Do I even need to say it? Bowie! Bowie!

1. Yes, Power of the Dark Crystal is happening now, and it even pulls a small bit of inspiration from the legend himself, Mr. Jim Henson. He had entertained ideas of a Crystal sequel on more than one occasion, and we are told it was his desire to go beyond the adventures of the Gelfings and deeper into the world itself. The new movie will attempt to do that, depending far more on CG than puppetry.
2. Bits were shown from the late night puppet show Henson Co. is developing -- sans Muppets, of course, as they were sold to Disney -- and a puppet improv performance troupe that apparently has to be seen to be believed. We're glossing over these because they aren't movie related, follow the "read" link at the bottom if you want to know more.
3. Fraggle Rock is still a long way off, but they are in the early stages of development and definitely plan to bring the film into existence.
4. No plans for a Labyrinth sequel ... yet. They are too wrapped up in Crystal work to seriously contemplate it for now. Ask them again later. There IS a graphic novel on the way, however.