I suppose that reviewing an Uwe Boll film is a lot like having a fancy restaurant critic do a write-up on McDonald's new McGristle sandwich -- but I'm not "fancy" by any definition of the word, and I've grown madly in love with Uwe Boll's enthusiastically slipshod filmmaking techniques. So to those who thought miracles were actually possible, I have some disappointing news: Boll's latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, is every bit as consistently awful as the director's earlier offerings -- only it's 126 minutes long. And that's just not fair.

Also unfair is the stunningly blatant way in which Mr. Boll tries to rip off the Lord of the Rings trilogy in this chintzy little epic. Every other sequence has a musical cue, a costume, a bit of dialog, or a background character that just fell off the Hobbit truck. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Uwe Boll just spent 126 minutes telling Peter Jackson how thin, talented and gorgeous he is. To be completely fair, I did notice a few components (mainly the action scene editing and a few moments of strangely effective cinematography) that manage to improve upon films like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead and BloodRayne -- but really, you could probably improve upon those three movies using only a cell phone camera and a powerful flashlight.

For a flick that runs two hours, the plot is distressingly skimpy: Villains are ransacking the countryside, so a farmer called Farmer takes up arms, grabs a few sidekicks, and heads out to destroy the evil and perpetually cackling Boss Villain. That's it, really. But we're not going to see an Uwe Boll video game adaptation for the plot, are we? No. We're usually watching his flicks for the sheer unintentional hilarity of it all, but King is even better because it's an ensemble piece! We've got...

In May, the battle of the Renaissance Fairs was set. Jack Black signed to play tutor-of-love Professor Shockworthy in Ye Olde Times, the story of "two rival fairs vying for ownership of all things Middle Ages." I've already been imagining Black donning some fishnets, and channeling some Transsylvanian sauciness and professorly exposition, while wondering how Tim Robbins, Will Arnett, Cary Elwes, and John C. Reilly fit in the mix. (Although Elwes is the only one of this group listed on IMDb.) Now The Hollywood Reporter has posted that David Arquette, Matthew Lillard, and Orlando Jones are the latest names to join the cast.

Fittingly typecast, Arquette and Lillard will play actors in a medieval troupe who work with a cheesy Renaissance Fair. This should be old hat for David when the pic gears up -- he's currently filming Hamlet 2, a comedy about a drama teacher trying to save his department by developing a sequel to Hamlet with his kids. Jones, meanwhile, is part of a rival troupe "committed to only serious productions of real Shakespeare." I wouldn't be surprised if Elwes is also one of the other serious Shakespearian actors. That part's all clear, but then things get vague as Justin Chatwin (War of the Worlds) is so specifically "the romantic male lead." Again, there's no actresses listed with this production yet, so I'm forced to believe we're going to get some sexy man-lovin'. Or, maybe they'll go the old-school theater route and have men play the female roles as well. That could make things interesting. Unfortunately, there's no word on when this project will begin production.

You might remember that I told you about a little flick called Endless Bummer earlier this month, that Joan Jett nabbed a role in. The premise is simple -- it's 1984, and some jerks steal a surfboard from a Ventura beach. The owner and his friends then drive to the Valley to get it back. While most of the cast was in place, they didn't have their surf shop owner. In a completely not-surprising casting move, The Hollywood Reporter says that Matthew Lillard is taking on the job.

Basically, his character is a veteran surfer who owns a surf shop and makes surfboards -- and he made the one that is stolen, so he helps the teens get it back. Lighthouse's Steven Siebert says: "This is a genuine story of a pivotal day for a group of young Ventura surfers in 1984. We are excited to be working with such a talented ensemble of actors, each of whom brings a unique element to the real-life personalities they are portraying." I really like Lillard -- no matter what craptacular roles he takes on, but I really hope that this is one of his better ones. His roles as Cereal Killer and Stuart Macher can't negate some of the shlock forever. Then again, surf movies are one of the genres that can make schlock acceptable -- thanks to all the hard work of Frankie and Annette.

Yes, folks. It is time for another scantily-clad movie fuelled with silly logic and lots of sex. Matthew Lillard, of Scream and Scooby fame is teaming up with Efren Ramirez (Pedro Sanchez from Napoleon Dynamite) to look for an American Summer. However, this is definitely not the Wet Hot variety, at least, not in a 1980's frolicking camp sort of way. Instead, take Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, the P.I.M.P. scene from Dude, Where's My Car? and some Accepted, mix it all together, and you've got Flipzide Studios' Summer.

Lillard will star as a pool boy whose parents think he's going to school at Harvard. (I guess they don't talk, or have call display to see that their boy is in the land of the sun.) When his apartment building is fumigated for termites, he grabs an escort neighbor and his friend and moves them all into the empty mansion he works at. As if that wasn't enough, he pimps out the escort with the help of the gardener next-door (Ramirez), who acts as the muscle. (There's no word yet on the girl who will be lucky enough to be Lillard's prostitute.)

That sounds all sorts of logical, doesn't it? Just about as logical as casting a 37-year-old Lillard as a faux Harvard student... Unless he's supposed to be a mature student applicant, or his parents are just that dumb. What do you think? Will this be a White Castle surprise wonder, or an Epic, eye-burning failure?

Odds and ends from Monday;

• Hopping into a more adult, grown-up role, Matthew Lillard has signed on to play the guy who screws everything up in One of Our Own, to be directed by Abe Levy. The indie drama will focus on a thirtysomething couple who seek out a young woman to carry their child when all other efforts fail. However, chaos erupts when the man's boss (Lillard) falls in love with the surrogate and wants to father the child himself. I enjoyed Lillard's family-man performance in The Groomsmen and look forward to the more dramatic direction he's taking with his career.
• With shooting set to start next month in Toronto, New Line has finally completed casting for their big-screen version of Hairspray by signing Jim Broadbent to play Wilbur Turnblad, father to the pic's main character, Tracy. IMDB originally listed Billy Crystal in the role, though there's no word on whether he was signed on and dropped out, or was never involved in the project to begin with. Broadbent joins John Travolta, Queen Latifah, Michelle Pfeiffer, Amanda Bynes, Zac Efron and newcomer Nikki Blonsky in the cast. Adam Shankman is set to direct from Leslie Dixon's script, based on the Broadway musical which was inspired by the John Waters film.
• Production Weekly reports the Wachowski Brothers' take on the Speed Racer cartoon is ready to launch into pre-production, and is just waiting for Warner Bros. to greenlight the film. They've currently set up shop in Warner's Burbank offices, which were previously occupied by the folks behind Bryan Singer's remake of Logan's Run. Hmm, it definitely sounds like Logan is running straight out of town. Based on a pitch by Vince Vaughn back in 2004, the brothers brought new life to the project after showing interest in giving the classic toon a modern, Wachowski-esque spin.

First of all, could someone please explain to me what a "sketch comedy feature" is? Is that the way that the trades just started to describe really loosely-plotted movies like the Scary Movie series? Or is it something new entirely? I'm very confused. Whatever it is, Parental Guidance Suggested is one, and it sounds so, so bad that you wonder about the sanity of everyone involved, particularly those who are paying to get it made. Crazy, the lot of them.

According the The Hollywood Reporter, the movie will star Frankie Muniz (He's really making great non-Malcolm in the Middle choices, huh? How 'bout that Agent Cody Banks?) as "a teen who loses his virginity to his girlfriend ... only to find she wants to take things much further, including farm animals and midgets." Whew. Sorry, had to take a break there, because I was laughing so hard there were tears coming out of my eyes. But wait -- it gets better! Also in the film are Matthew Lillard (who, to my great shame, I actually like), Jamie Kennedy and Andy Milonakis, whose character "falls in love with an electric vagina." Honestly. There are no words.