As we all know by now, the Poltergeist series brought eeriness both on and off the screen with the Poltergeist Curse. Real human skeletons were used, exorcisms were performed, props malfunctioned, fire blazed, and of course, people died -- the most infamous being the passing of the cute, tow-headed Heather O'Rourke.

And now she's being used to sell DirecTV units. Classy. Craig T. Nelson is back to give the spiel, but the above commercial also uses her famous "They're here!" line and a little girl to pose as O'Rourke to walk to the foot of the bed (O'Rourke's voice is apparently dubbed in).

In a world where even impassioned musical critiques can be turned into patriotic anthems, it's not completely surprising that this is happening. But still -- using a little girl who died way too young to make money -- it's not the best decision, and it certainly isn't a twist that inspires me to want to buy this. But what do you think?

Is this perfectly acceptable, or did DirecTV cross some sort of marketing line?

While you suffer through those back to school blues ...

Guitar Hero: The Movie -- I have to start with this one. Have to! Because not only are we talking about a possible big-screen movie based on the popular video game, but we're also about to tell you who wants to direct the thing. Can you guess? Here's a hint: It's not Uwe Boll. And if it's not Boll, it has to be ... Ratner! YES! (I really do think I love this maniac in a totally platonic, yet sadistic way -- sorta how you love a great movie villain.) Anyway, Brett Ratner tells MTV that he'd love to make a Guitar Hero movie, possibly about "a kid from a small town who dreams of being a rock star and he wins the 'Guitar Hero' competition. One of these dreams-[come-true] kind of concepts." Ratner adds, "I would love to do a 'Guitar Hero' movie, if Activision would ever let me. I'm trying to convince them, but why would you have a movie screw up such a huge franchise? Not that I would make a bad movie. So that would be cool, to do a 'Guitar Hero' movie. " I'm leaving this one to you, folks -- have at it!

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time: In case you're interested in seeing what a standard Persian-esque set looks like, Korben.info has put up a few select shots (see one above) of the Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time set. Based on the popular video game (hurray for themes in posts!), Prince of Persia stars Jake "I didn't know he was Persian" Gyllenhaal as a young prince who teams up with a hottie princess (Gemma Arterton) to stop an evil ruler from doing evil things.

A director has been chosen to remake Poltergeist and Cinematical says we likey him ... after the jump ...

I haven't quite processed the notion of a Poltergeist remake just yet -- it still seems more conceptual than actual to me. Yet the fact that they've picked a pair of screenwriters, and that the late Heather O'Rourke has condemned the remake from the grave, tell me that it's about as actual as it gets. Now Bloody-Disgusting has started a rumor that Vadim Perelman -- quasi-arthouse director of House of Sand and Fog and The Life Before Her Eyes -- is in "heavy talks" to direct the new movie. That would be a heck of a contrast to the screenwriters of Boogeyman.

I'm as down on this project as everyone else -- the original film is a moment in time that ought not be disturbed -- but I like the idea of Perelman, mostly because I like the notion of otherwise "respectable" directors trying their hand at genre films. His brooding, portentous style might be a good fit for Poltergeist, I guess. And maybe this will wind up like the doomed adaptation of The Talisman, to which Perelman was attached for a while (and which he seems far better suited to), never making it past the development stage.

Anyway, I emphasize that I'm commenting on a rumor, not relaying hard news. Make of it what you will.

Today will be partly cloudy with a chance of kick ass!

The Hobbit: Not long ago Guillermo Del Toro told fans that his next move was to begin work on The Hobbit script very soon. Well guess what? To our complete shock and surprise, the dude actually followed through on all this "writing script nonsense" and -- wait for it -- started working on the script (along with LOTR partners Frank Walsh and Philippa Boyens). YES! And this is, like, the BIGGEST news online today. "NEWSFLASH: Del Toro is on page 12 and he's already introduced 750 new creatures!" I give up ... call me in 12 years when the film is finally complete and ready to hit theaters.

The Dark Knight: You've watched the movie countless times, followed hundreds of viral sites, read thousands of stories on Heath Ledger and why he deserves to square off against Jesus up in heaven for a chance to be God's new (and much more well-liked) son -- so, what's left? Well, if you still haven't overdosed on The Dark Knight and/or are in desperate need of another Batman fix, feel free to feast your eyes on the film's script. Yes, JoBlo managed to snag a copy of the entire thing (read it here) for you to save, print out and do whatever it is you freaks do with stuff like that. Personally, I enjoyed reading it to see where they trimmed and cut and called Wonder Woman a whore. Kidding! Just wanna make sure you're paying attention.

Poltergeist remake: Because in this one she's watching a reality show, gets pulled into the television and subsequently bores herself to death. [Writes down notes for Poltergeist 2 pitch ...] Anyway, THR tells us that Boogeyman writers Juliet Snowden and Stiles "I wonder how many Teen Wolf jokes he got growing up" White will pen the script for the remake of this classic spooky flick. "Too soon!" yelled a nobody movie blogger, but alas it was too late.

I don't know how I never saw these, but some old Canadian Filmmakers Festival posters are sailing through the web, and they show what spoofing should be like. Think Jaws -vs- a fisherman, the little Poltergeist girl swayed by hockey, Superman ready for winter, and Dorothy in a pair of sensible boots rather than slippers. But my favorite is above, because it would make one hell of an awesome comedic remake of The Birds. Canadian geese -- they're the real birdly foe. They take over outdoor spaces, attack you to mark their territory, and they're scarier than Hitchcock's mean feathered fiends. If only these were the sort of spoofs hitting the big screen these days.

Check them out in the gallery below, and read more about the festival over here.



[via Slashfilm]

This week, I don't want to talk about anything new. I don't want to discuss the good news about studios and European exhibitors finally agreeing on a virtual print fee. I don't want to comment on Nielsen's research showing the strong consumer appetite for 3-D films (I'll be talking enough about 3-D next week in anticipation of Journey to the Center of the Earth). I don't want to even get people's hopes up about Microsoft's supposed "manners device" that silences cell phones instead of blocking them (signal blocking was recently found to be illegal in the U.S.). I really don't want to comment on Mark Gill's "The Sky is Falling" speech from the L.A. Film Festival loosely concerning the state of art house cinema (the speech is more related to film making and financing, plus I already played Chicken Little last week).

If you're one of the millions of kids who weren't able to snag (i.e. afford) tickets to see Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus in concert, you now have an opportunity to see the next best thing. For one week in early February, a film of one of the concerts will be shown at movie theaters nationwide. And to make it seem even more like you're attending the real thing, the film is in 3D! Compiled from three concerts in two cities from the "Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds" tour, the Disney-produced film is directed by Bruce Hendricks (Ultimate X: The Movie) and was shot using 3D digital cameras rather than shot with regular digital cameras and rendered in the format later (meaning sorry, no 2D versions of this one), as has been the case with most digital 3D movies so far. By the way: the cinematographer in charge of those cameras is Transformers DP Mitchell Amundsen.

Not only is this a big deal for Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus fans, but also it's a huge deal for theater owners and their continued attempts to offer substantial alternative entertainment at their cinemas. I'm sure you all know this isn't the first concert to be shown in theaters. There have been Rolling Stones concerts, drumline concerts, Metropolitan Opera performances, Dane Cook stand-up concerts, and many other events. Some of them have even been broadcast live to theaters via satellite. Many of them, such as today's (Dec. 2) live presentation of the St. Olaf Christmas Festival, are one-day-only events.

As I pointed out in my Poltergeist review, I didn't watch much horror as a boy. That's probably a good thing, as even the non-horror flicks I enjoyed often scared the bejesus out of me. You kids today don't know how lucky you have it with your wussy Shreks and your lamewad Pikachus! Children of the 1980s are still in therapy over what Hollywood deemed "family films" back then. The following non-horror mind-screws should prove my point.

Return to Oz (1985)

In high school, I brought Return to Oz to a Halloween movie marathon. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid. Everyone scoffed. "A Wizard of Oz sequel? That's supposed to scare us?" I didn't hear a lot of mockery after the movie started. In fact, nobody said a word until about halfway through, when a friend of mine whispered "Can we please turn this off?" I'm not sure who thought this movie was appropriate for children. It gave me nightmares for nearly a decade.

Dorothy finds a key with an Oz symbol on it, shows it to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry as proof that Oz exists, and is sent to an insane asylum! An evil insane asylum where they give our young heroine electro-shock therapy! That's how this "childrens' film" starts! Once Dorothy gets to Oz, it's a speeding night train of horrors. How about that Nome King? Good LORD! Winged monkeys aren't scary enough anymore, let's give the kids The Wheelers -- sadistic shrieking psychopaths with roller skates instead of hands and feet! Kids today won't be satisfied with just a standard wicked witch, let's really ramp that up too, and ruin their lives! The sequence with the witch's cabinets full of human heads easily rivals anything in the Nightmare on Elm Street series for sheer terror. "Dorothy Gaaaaaale!!!!"

Even the heroes are horrifying! Jack Pumpkinhead? A hybrid stick n' pumpkin creature who calls Dorothy "Mother"? That's your good guy? Not cool, Return to Oz. Not cool.

The Neverending Story (1984)

Along the same lines as Return to Oz, The Neverending Story feels way too dark, weird, and just...wrong to be a kids' movie. I feel my eyes welling up now remembering Atreyu's horse slowly sinking into quicksand and dying. I can't even talk about the Gmork, that big wolfy vampire thing. And a storm called "The Nothing?" Sweet fancy Moses! Also, again, the heroes should not be scarier than the villains! The racing snail? The Rockbiter? That bat-dude? And Falkor? A big flying dog/dragon mutation with disgusting scaly eggs on his skin? We were supposed to root for this hellacious beast?

Another scream-inducing aspect -- one of the worst theme songs in all of 80's film. And that's saying a whole lot!

Don't look directly into its eyes!

I wasn't a kid who grew up watching Freddy and Jason. I was a huge comedy nerd, and was never a big fan of being terrified. I saw Poltergeist around age 10, and it was one of my very first horror films. I was scared just putting the VHS tape in the machine, but its rating calmed me down considerably. After all, how scary could a PG-rated movie be?

The answer? Extremely.

To me, Poltergeist is the perfect horror movie. It is genuinely scary, it is genuinely funny, and you genuinely care what happens to the characters. It's even got some dynamite commentary going on -- the television is full of evil! The genius of Poltergeist is that it takes the haunted house and plops it smack dab in the middle of suburbia. It's not a creepy Transylvanian mansion, it looks a lot like where most people grow up. The Freeling family looked a lot like my family, and that made it all the scarier. Like many Steven Spielberg films, Poltergeist juxtaposes the fantastical with the real in a way that the viewer doesn't doubt for a second.

It can be hard to pick scary movies for a group of adults to enjoy -- unless you go the family film route, and who wants that? Some people can watch an eye be plucked form a skull, or a slow, terrifying scene scored with creepy music and be in heaven; others will squeeze their eyes shut and plug their ears to escape what they consider hell. While brainstorming ideas for Cinematical's month-long tribute to all things creepy, scary, and gory, I had the bright idea to cover scary flicks for the wimpy -- those people who squeeze, plug, and hate to be scared.

I didn't quite think about how antithetical this idea was. If it's scary, the wimpy won't like it, and if it is too watered down, it isn't scary any more. To make things even more difficult, everyone has different ideas about what is scary. For example, I consider Psycho to be scary for its time and not-so-scary now. Chilling, yes. Nail-biting or hair-raising? No. My friend, however, just looked at me like I was insane for including it on this list. Where in the heck do you go from there?

Comedy always works. The funnier the gore, the less scary it is. But this isn't a comedy list, so there has to be some sort of variety, and this is how it will work: the following is a list of movies you can watch with your more wimpy friends, but still have those ever-loved Halloween themes, and at least a little gore or a few jumps. They are listed from wimpiest to least-wimpy -- all of which should fall well below the truly scary films out there. If anyone finds the lower-rated ones too much to bear, you should probably stay away from anything scary, the evening news, and the absolutely frightening Showgirls.