As Jack Handey put it, "It takes a big man to laugh at himself, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man." Crimewave is about that big kind of man, and his partner: two electrocutioners on a rampage. They prowl the streets in a truck with a hog-sized stuffed rat on top, with red light bulb eyes. The driver is Faron Crush, who looks like Paul Sorvino playing the Incredible Hulk. HIs sniggering partner Arthur (Brion "I'll tell you about my mother" James) wears a jumpsuit, fingerless leather gloves, and a flat leather cap the shape and color of a cow-chip. If you ever had a nightmare about Gallagher, that's what Arthur looks like. The two maniacs carry with them "a shocker," a killing-machine that has three settings: "Rat," "Man" and "Hero". And they have no motivation beside malice and sheer professionalism.

The Hollywood Reporter has some more casting details for Drag Me to Hell, the Sam Raimi horror film everyone's excited about (and for good reason -- it looks to be his first real foray into the genre since Army of Darkness). The news isn't as major as when we learned that, say, Alison Lohman signed on, replacing Ellen Page, or that Justin Long joined her -- the new additions are Cloverfield's Jessica Lucas, TV vet Lorna Raver, and character actor David Paymer -- but more notable are the character descriptions that accompany the announcement, which finally give us some hint of what Raimi has in store for us. (No real spoilers, but if you're the kind of person who likes to go in completely cold, best to stop reading now.)

With the announcement today that Paramount is attempting to lure Sam Raimi into developing and directing several films based on the popular Jack Ryan character, it would certainly appear as if the man is officially done with Spidey. Of course, there's always a chance he'd stay on as producer, but will that be enough to bring back his original cast? Probably not. Paramount is targeting the summer of 2010 for their first Ryan flick, which -- from what we hear -- is right around the same time Spider-Man 4 would hit theaters (if all things stay as planned). The next Superman flick is also supposed to touch down that same summer, so it will be interesting to see a re-vamped Spidey go head-to-head against a sequel they really can't f*ck up.

Variety claims Raimi is not out of the running to direct another Spider-Man film, but since he's in the middle of helming Drag Me to Hell, it would be near impossible for the man to deliver both a new Spidey film and a Jack Ryan film at the same time. Both franchises are in need of some serious work, and it will take time to develop. There's been no word on the current Spidey script, other than it's being worked on -- so for all we know, that could be just about ready to go. Of course, the strike probably didn't help much. What do you think?

There might be no word about Ryan Gosling, but Paramount is, indeed, moving forward with a Jack Ryan film that doesn't focus on one of Tom Clancy's novels. Variety reports that the company is currently in negotiations with Sam Raimi to lead the revival of Ryan for a series of films -- as both developer and director. They plan to create a series that would focus on the famous Clancy character when he's younger, and at an earlier point in his career.

Since they are still in the idea stage, nothing is set in stone, but Variety says that one idea is to have the film be set in the present, during a "global threat," which isn't very original. Personally, I would prefer something that went a little back in time, if they are looking at Ryan's start. Then again, these are studio musings completely free of the character's creator, so maybe they should just be considered a completely different entity. This project does, however, completely lead the way for Gosling to take over, if Phillip Noyce was right.

Right now, Raimi is busy with Drag Me to Hell, but the studio is hoping to get him working on this picture right after, so that the first flick can be released in the summer of 2010. I still don't understand why they can't just come up with a new action star, rather than young Ryan up and go on their merry way, but at least with Raimi involved, things could get interesting.

Variety reports that Sam Raimi and Paramount have bought the rights to Doug TenNapel's graphic novel Monster Zoo. Raimi is only attached to produce at this point.

Monster Zoo is the story about a young boy who discovers his local zoo contains creatures far scarier than lions or tigers. It hasn't even been published yet and isn't expected on shelves until this summer. Image Comics doesn't even have a preview up yet. When a book is optioned that quickly, it is usually a sign it is pretty special.

A little browsing around TenNapel's forum turned up a temp cover, as well as some sketches. He had already updated his blog with his glee about the movie deal. "Raimi's movie A Simple Plan is among my favorite all-time films. It's nice to be in business with people who love telling stories ... about creatures, comics and underdogs."

TenNapel is the creator behind the television cartoons Earthworm Jim and Catscratch, along with many graphic novels -- and after browsing his site, I'm dying to own Tommysaurus Rex. I want that to be optioned just for the title.

Could Justin Long be the next Bruce Campbell? Yeah, no, but he is going to follow in Bruce's footsteps. As we already know, Sam Raimi is returning to horror with Drag Me to Hell. First Ellen Page was attached, then Alison Lohman replaced her. But what's a good Raimi horror without a leading man? Variety reports that those shoes will be filled by none other than Justin Long, who will play Lohman's boyfriend.

Not too many details about the film are being released, other than that it will focus on a supernatural curse that falls upon Lohman's character, and it's a morality tale. Seeing that the boyfriend isn't the star this time around, Long could be movie-long help, or quick curse fodder. If the latter, maybe he'll follow in girlfriend Drew's footsteps and not make it past the opening. I would say he bites it quickly...if anyone other than Sam and Ivan Raimi were behind it. So, all bets are off.

The big question, however, is: What does Raimi horror look like post-Spider-Man? Back in the day, he had Bruce Campbell and low-budget beauty, but a lot has changed since then. Will it be a blast to the past with some new spark, a solid mixture of past and present, or be an effects extravaganza that even Ash wouldn't recognize? And speaking of Ash, what sort of role will Campbell inevitably get in this flick?

First we reported that Ellen Page would be starring in Sam Raimi's first horror flick in many a moon: Drag Me to Hell is what it's called. Then a few days ago, we learned that Ms. Page's schedule was way too booked with other stuff, so the horror flick is what had to go. Oh well, Page's loss looks to be Alison Lohman's gain.

According to Variety, production on Drag Me to Hell will be delayed only two weeks, which gives Ms. Lohman a little time to learn her lines. Alison's actually 28 years old, but dang she looks a lot younger than that -- which is good since she'll soon be playing a high school student. (Or maybe Mr. Raimi will move his story to college?) The good news is that not only is she very pretty, but Alison Lohman has proven to be quite the fine actor. (You'll remember her stuff from White Oleander, Matchstick Men, Big Fish, Where the Truth Lies, and Beowulf.)

So while I definitely look forward to Ellen Page's new flicks, it's cool to see Alison Lohman snag a starring role ... in a horror flick. Production begins in L.A. at the end of the month.

Only a few weeks ago, Scott Weinberg reported that Sam Raimi would be directing Drag Me to Hell, his first new horror flick in many years. To amp up the excitement, it was also announced that Academy Award nominee Ellen Page would be starring as an unsuspecting woman who becomes the recipient of a supernatural curse. This sounded like an awesome combination of director and star, but, alas, Ms. Page has dropped out.

Bloody Disgusting reported the news, citing an unidentified source that claimed Ms. Page didn't like the latest draft of the script by Sam and Ivan Raimi and speculating that it was really "Oscar cold feet" that caused her to change her mind three weeks after accepting the role. (That's just silly, by the way: she lost the Oscar and now she gets pickier about her roles?) On the more official front, MovieWeb quoted an e-mail statement from Ghost House Pictures (Raimi's production house) and Mandate Pictures: "We were racing to start production so that we could accommodate Ellen's schedule. But like so many other productions trying to start before the potential SAG strike date, this one needed more time and we had to push back the start of production."

Page has proven in the past, especially with Hard Candy, that she's willing to embrace her dark side, and the idea of her starring as a strong horror heroine under Raimi's direction was compelling, so it's a shame she dropped out. Production was scheduled to start on March 17. With the start of production pushed back, that gives them more time to recast the role.

For those who were kinda bummed out after they didn't get to see Ellen Page be a real mom in Juno, you'll be glad to know that she's signed on to star as a young mother in the new psychological thriller Peacock for Mandate Pictures. Variety tells us Page will join Cillian Murphy in the film, and this one has nutty written all over it. Here's the description: "The title is derived from tiny Peacock, Neb., where Murphy's character, a split personality, fools the town into believing his two alter egos are man and wife. Page plays a struggling young mother who holds the key to his past and sparks a battle between the personalities." WTF? I mean, Murphy's taken on some f**ked up characters in his day, but this one has to take the cake. Yeah, I'd go see this, like, now if I could.

Newbie Michael Lander will direct off a script he co-wrote with Ryan Roy, and production will begin this May. Peacock marks the third film Ellen Page has signed onto in the last month; she'll first shoot Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell, then Peacock, and then take on the starring role in Drew Barrymore's directorial debut, Whip It. Meanwhile, Cillian Murphy will do his best to practice playing both a man and a wife. On the role, he says, "Peacock stunned me as a script from start to finish. It offers an incredible challenge to an actor -- one I couldn't turn down." Come to think of it, Murphy does have a feminine quality about him, and so I can totally see him making this believable (heck, he's already played a transvestite cabaret dancer); to the point where an entire town would be convinced there were two separate people living under the same roof. But will he convince us? I guess we'll see when Peacock hits theaters at some point in the next year.

For the horror freaks there are few headlines more potentially exciting than "Sam Raimi to Helm New Horror Flick," but this story just got a little cooler. Not only will Mr. Raimi return to direct his first horror film since ... damn since Evil Dead 2, I guess (Army of Darkness is barely a horror film), but he'll be bringing the adorable Ellen Page with him!

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Mr. Raimi will settle into the director's chair in mid-April, and the flick he'll be helming is something called Drag Me to Hell. Given that THR offers nothing in the way of a plot synopsis, we can assume that Raimi and his Ghost House Pictures are aiming to keep the details under wraps for now. What we know for sure is that A) Ms. Page is definitely on board, B) the script comes from Sam Raimi and his big bro Ivan, and C) a whole bunch of horror geeks across the globe just started clapping their hands in glee. (Universal chiefs Marc Shmuger and David Linde apparently agree: "Sam Raimi's return to horror is a cause for celebration for horror fans and movie lovers everywhere.")

Given that we love horror flicks, Sam Raimi and Ellen Page a whole lot at this blog ... you can expect a lot more news on Drag Me to Hell as soon as it becomes available.

One day until hump day! News bites for your Tuesday:

• One would think that after the success of Spider-Man, Sam Raimi would stay focused on feature films. However, The Hollywood Reporter has posted that the filmmaker is teaming up with Disney/ABC to produce a new, live-action weekly series called Wizard's First Rule -- to get off the ground this fall. The show is based on Terry Goodkind's fantasy series The Sword of Truth, and "follows the extraordinary transformation of woodsman Richard Cypher into a magical leader who joins with a mysterious woman to stop a bloodthirsty tyrant." Production will begin this May.
• In the doc world, Variety reports that Liberation Entertainment and Netflix's Red Envelope have nabbed distribution deals for the soccer documentary Kicking It -- which is narrated by bad-boy Colin Farrell. (This is in addition to the ESPN deal from Sundance.) The doc focuses on "the personal struggles and triumphs of seven soccer players from six countries who participate in the 4th annual Homeless World Cup." The plan is to have a day-and-date release between the ESPN premiere, DVD rentals and computer downloads on Netflix, and DVD sales.
• Finally, I bet those rabid and weary Da Vinci Code fans from 2 Days in Paris would get a kick out of this. According to the BBC, paintings and statues from Lincoln Cathedral, which was dressed to be Westminster Abbey, are on the auction block to raise money for the building. The light, polystyrene pieces were part of an exhibition since the film crews left the location, but will now be sold off in a series of sealed bids through March 31.

After a string of limp noodles like Boogeyman, The Grudge 2 and The Messengers, it seemed pretty easy to dismiss Sam Raimi's Ghost House Pictures as, well, something for the kids. (Kids who just want to go see a movie, regardless of what that movie might actually be.) But since hitting the bloody big-time with 30 Days of Night (and turning a tidy profit in the process), it looks like the genre-happy production company is turning its sights towards something a little ... weirder.

According to STYD.com, a project that's gaining steam in the Ghost House hallways is something called Burst ... and here's the plot synopsis: "An isolated town endures an alien invasion that causes victims to spontaneously combust during a severe snowstorm." Wait, what? Let me read that again. So do the aliens invade during a severe snowstorm? Or do the aliens do something that causes humans to burst into flames ... when the next snowstorm shows up? I'm so confused.

Our source doesn't mention a screenwriter, and apparently there's no director attached just yet -- so could this maybe be some sort of joke? I sure hope not. I want to see the movie that fits that plot synopsis!

If, like me, you really dug the Spider-Man trilogy, but still held out some hope that director Sam Raimi would one day return to his low-budget horror stomping grounds, well, I've got some pretty excellent news. No, it's not a sequel to (or remake of) The Evil Dead ... but it does sound pretty promising. According to Variety, Mr. Raimi will direct Drag Me to Hell for his Ghost House production shingle, from a screenplay written by Raimi and his big brother Ivan. According to the director's long-time collaborator Robert Tapert, "Sam calls it a 'spook-a-blast,' a wild ride with all the chills and spills that 'Evil Dead' delivered, without relying on the excessive violence of that film."

Plus there's (yet another) off-hand reference to the (eventually) impending Evil Dead remake. So overall, that's some pretty excellent news if you're a horror fan. But just as I was finishing up the article, my eyeballs became krazy-glued to the following passage:

"After "Drag Me to Hell," Raimi is expected to go right back up the mountaintop and take the helm of "The Hobbit" films for New Line and MGM now that Peter Jackson has made it clear he won't direct." (The bold-face is mine.)

Boom! I know it's been mumbled about for a few months now, but is that like ... official? (One might expect news like that to warrant its very own article, that's all I'm saying.) But dang. Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson working together?? On The Hobbit? Oh dear lord that sounds freaking awesome. Nobody pinch me.

I pity the fool who doesn't want a Hobbit film!

I did not see I Am Legend this past weekend, but apparently there was a poster planted in the film's fictional Times Square for a Batman vs. Superman movie, due out on May 15, 2010. (Check out a screen grab above, courtesy of Slashfilm.) Folks immediately began speculating -- was this a secret teaser poster for Justice League? Had they changed the name (as previously rumored) to Batman vs. Superman? No such luck fanboys (and girls); seems it was only a gag dreamed up by screenwriter/producer Akiva Goldsman, who, long ago, was attached to write a Batman vs. Superman film. But it's still pretty cool, and a neat little Easter Egg if you ask me.

We know John Singleton has signed on to direct a big-screen A-Team movie, and that casting is currently underway, but what's the script look like? Moviehole got their hands on the script, and there's some "interesting" stuff in there. Like, B.A. Baracas (played by Mr. T on the TV show) is listed as a "22-year-old walking steel with two-percent body fat." Yup, expect Tyrese Gibson in this role. Here's a bit more from their synopsis: "I'll be honest - it's not that tantalizing. The whole action of the movie revolves around some vases and stolen art. At one point there's a scene that takes place on a yacht - and it's an art auction. It's just not that interesting." Head on over to Moviehole to read their full review of the 118-page script.

This morning it was announced that Peter Jackson and New Line had kissed and made up, and are moving ahead on the long-planned Hobbit adaptation. However, Jackson is only listed as an executive producer, which means they still need to seek out a director to helm the picture. I'd expect Sam Raimi to be the first one they call, but if Sam takes on this monstrous double-feature, don't expect the guy to be back in the director's chair for Spider-Man 4. Which will also likely mean that Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst will opt out. Would you gladly take Raimi on Hobbit, or could Jackson get real nutty and somehow convince Guillermo del Toro to give up all 300 of his current projects to direct two Hobbit films? Where do you stand? Who do you want directing these movies, if not Jackson?

Starting tonight and running through December 17th, Edgar Wright is taking control of the New Beverly Cinema in Los Angeles. Wright, director of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, is programming a festival of his favorite movies, and it's a wonderful and eclectic bunch. He's calling the fest "The Wright Stuff," (also the name of a universally beloved screenwriting column on this very site), and he will be on hand to introduce several screenings with special guests. As always at the New Beverly, one of Los Angeles' absolute treasures, every screening is a double feature.

I'll just tell you about the screenings with special guests, all of which start at 7:30. But don't forget to check the website for all show dates and times. Tonight, Edgar and songwriter Paul Williams will kick off the event with two musicals -- Bugsy Malone and Brian DePalma's Phantom of the Paradise. December 5th, the first feature is Flash Gordon, with special guest (and ex-Bond) Timothy Dalton. The second feature is Mario Bava's Danger Diabolik, introduced by Edgar and the great Joe Dante. On December 7th, Edgar will introduce The Last Boy Scout and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang with one of the finest action screenplay writers of our time -- Shane Black. December 10 is John Landis' An American Werewolf in London and Tremors (which I spouted my love for here). Landis will help Wright introduce his film. December 12th is Top Secret! (almost as funny as Airplane and The Naked Gun, in my opinion) and Woody Allen's Bananas, with David Zucker on hand. December 14th is the Roger Ebert - penned Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, and Head, hosted by Wright and Micky Dolenz of The Monkees. And on December 16th, Wright will introduce Evil Dead 2 and an all time favorite of mine -- the Coen Brothers' Raising Arizona.

Here is a press release from Edgar with his thoughts on the included films. If you live in the Los Angeles area, there's really no excuse to miss this. See you there!