Yes, struggling authors, it's happened again: another book proposal has won a movie deal. That's right, this book is not only unpublished, it's also unwritten. (Who the hell are the people who get these deals, anyway? Have any of you ever met one of them? Frankly, I'm starting to think it's all some sort of elaborate lie, created to cover up the existence of plot-creating machines that whir away in studio backrooms.) To make it all even more agonizing for those among you who dream of literary and Hollywood glory, this particular proposal has Tom Hanks attached to star in its screen adpatation, and Gus Van Sant, of all people, in negotiations to direct. I know. Life sucks.

When it's finally written, the book (and movie) will be called Starbucks Saved My Life, and tell the story of "an older ad exec who loses his job and family and has to go to work at Starbucks [mmm...marketing opportunities] to pay the bills. He befriends the young manager and learns about life and love." Tom Hanks, teaching us to appreciate life? Again? Shoot me now.