Just like any other genre, the Christmas movie relies on a laundry list of tried and true formulas to get you into the theater, and some of them are becoming a bit tiresome. If you want to avoid getting suckered into watching the same old holiday schmalz-fest this year that you've seen the last ten years prior, and you're not sure how to go about it, take this list as my gift to you.

It Tries to Make the Nativity Dramatic

Movies that try to make a compelling drama out of the birth of Jesus Christ often hit a brick wall when they realize that there's really no story there. Sure, if you're a Christian the birth itself is a compelling moment -- key word being moment -- but there's nothing before or after that lends itself to the structure of modern drama. Witness the recent live-action drama, The Nativity Story, a horrid film that resorted to making Three Stooges of the Three Wise Men and creating entire absurd subplots about astrophysics in order to get around the fact that there's about five minutes worth of compelling material here to work with. Hopefully it will be a long, long time -- never, please -- before anyone makes this mistake again.

It's Called 'Jingle all the Way'

Seriously, let's all just agree on this one. There are many things that Arnold Schwarzenegger is suited for -- or was suited for around 1987 -- but one of them is not showering an audience with holiday merriment. The other day I was at Best Buy and the guy behind the counter actually tried to convince me that Jingle all the Way was a beloved classic that belonged in my DVD library. That's when I put on my glasses and took a closer look -- turns out the guy behind the counter was Sinbad. Enough said. Let's also point out that Turbo-Man seemed like just about the lamest toy since Tom Hanks trotted out that keyboard in Big that you had to play by dancing on the keys.

Even though we were just treated to a movie about the birth of Jesus, there is another one in the works. This, in spite of the fact that The Nativity Story didn't do very well. MGM apparently thinks it can do better with Myriam, Mother of Christ. Here are some things this one has going for it: a screenplay by Benedict Fitzgerald, who co-wrote The Passion of the Christ; a title that sounds more like The Passion of the Christ; the same release date (Easter) as The Passion of the Christ. Now all it needs is for Mel Gibson to direct and for Jim Caviezel's head to be planted on baby Jesus' body, Little Man style.

Ever since The Passion made tons and tons and tons of money, Hollywood has been interested in the religious film market. Unfortunately, The Nativity Story wasn't the only attempt to attract a Passion-size audience that failed. But obviously the studios are going to keep on trying, because nobody wants to believe The Passion was a one-time occurrence.

Merry Christmas! Oh wait...we still have a couple days. Did you know that Christmas was a religious holiday at one point in time? If you think that Christmas is about buying armloads of L'Occitane products for each of your cousins then I've got some exciting news to divulge. Christmas is actually about the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ -- believed to be the Savior of humanity according to Christian doctrine. Perhaps you should take a look at this holiday season's adaptation of the biblical journey of Mary and Joseph. and thier going to Bethlehem for the birthing of said child in The Nativity Story.

Domestic box office sales fir The Nativity Story are expected to perk up as we get closer and closer to Christmas day. The film opened on December 1 with very meager beginnings, but as the weeks went on the film has boosted its sales, currently rounding out at about $40 million to date. This uplifting turn around is not to be expected overseas.

The Nativity Story is currently failing to bring in any substantial amount of money in Europe and its screenings have even been reduced significantly (505 to 91 in Italy...ouch) due to a barely-there audience. Highly religious areas aren't even bringing in numbers contributing to the film's overseas failure.

Somehow distributors paralleled The Nativity Story's success to that of Mel Gibson's (everyone's favorite Catholic) The Passion of the Christ. I can't imagine that this was an actual thought in their prediction of The Nativity Story's success. The Passion of the Christ was ridden with controversy before it hit theatres and I think in that film's case -- the more negative hype the more tickets sold. I know I was curious because of it. The only thing drawing me to see The Nativity Story is Keisha Castle-Hughes from Whale Rider. Perhaps controversy is the winning ticket for religious based films and unfortunately, The Nativity Story is more about telling a biblical tale rather than about screaming expletives within ear shot of Hollywood reporters.

If this past weekend was any indication, people are a lot more interested in the death or Jesus than his birth. Or maybe they'd just prefer Mel Gibson's take on the classic story. Back in February of 2004 (Ash Wednesday, to be precise), The Passion of the Christ opened in theaters, and quickly became the highest grossing R-rated film in history -- it earned $25 million per day in its first five days. Of course, the built-in audience for this bad boy was massive -- not only in the United States, but worldwide -- and when it arrived on DVD on August 31, 2004, it reportedly sold 2.4 million copies by midday. There was controversy. There was buzz. And, once again, there was Mel Gibson.

Two years later (last January, to be precise), New Line acquired Mike Rich's spec script, Nativity, and vowed to have it in theaters by the following Christmas. Yes, for those who aren't aware, The Nativity Story (its current title) was thrown together in a little under a year -- from script purchase to finished product -- and was quickly released in 3,183 theaters last Friday. With Christmas only a few weeks away, you'd think this was the perfect time to release a film that revolves around the birth of Jesus, right? Wrong. The film took in only $8 million, the second lowest total in history for a film debuting on over 3,100 screens. But why did it tank? Bad marketing? Poor reviews? Were people too busy Christmas shopping? Was it because Mel Gibson and the controversy were absent? And why are people so afraid to promote a film whose story inspired the holiday they're about to celebrate?

So, I ask you: Why did The Nativity Story fail to put people in seats? And, on a more personal note, why didn't you go see it?

Keisha Castle-Hughes has had quite a life so far -- and she's only sixteen. You probably know her as the smiling face of the Whale Rider, which not only earned her an Oscar nomination, but also made her the youngest person ever nominated as a lead actress. Now, she's playing the young Mother Mary in the upcoming The Nativity Story. You've seen the preview right? There's some feet, some shrouded people, and a whole lot of flying dust?

Well, her current role is not what's making waves in the news world: It's her pregnancy. In an epically coincidental case of life immediately imitating art, the young girl is about to follow Mary's footsteps, without the parthenogenesis.* As if a childhood pregnancy isn't enough to deal with, there are competing stories of Papal displeasure. Although the official word is that the Pope has always had other commitments in and never planned to be at the Vatican premiere, other rumblings say otherwise -- that the Pope is quite disapproving of the young girl's un-wed pregnancy.

Personally, I think a minor getting pregnant is a lot more worrisome than it being out of wedlock, but we're talking about religion, not rationality. If the rumors are true, and the Church is pissed about her actions, I would assume they don't know about Catherine Hardwick's other films -- namely Thirteen, with its almost pre-teen sex, drugs and crime.

*Thanks Lauren, for pointing out the misconception about the Immaculate Conception. The Catholic teachings of my youth are obviously foggier than I thought! My apologies.

The Nativity Story will become the first film ever to premiere at the Vatican, the film's distributor has announced. The film, which is due to be released December 1, will be shown on Sunday, November 26 at the Vatican's Pope Paul VI Hall to an audience of appproximately 7,000 invited guests, including director Catherine Hardwick, actors Shohreh Aghdashloo and Oscar Isaac, producers Marty Bowen and Wyck Godfrey, and screenwriter Mike Rich. The screening will benefit the construction of a school in Mughar, Israel, 40 miles from Nazareth. Rolf Mittweg, New Line President and COO of Worldwide Distribution and Marketing, said of the film, "We are very proud of The Nativity Story and extremely grateful that the Vatican has embraced the film in this way," says Mittweg. "We believe it is the perfect venue to present the film's universal message of hope and faith, a message we are sure will resonate around the world."

Interestingly, the press release makes no mention of Keisha Castle-Hughes, the 16-year-old actress who plays Mary in the film -- who, it was announced last month, is now herself pregnant out of wedlock. I'm curious whether Castle-Hughes was invited to the Vatican affair; I would sincerely hope that she was, and that she herself chose not to attend for whatever reason.

Is The Nativity Story on your radar for your December movie-going? I want to see it, myself, if only to see Castle-Hughes, who I absolutely loved in Whale Rider. She's an enormously talented young actress, and I hope she'll keep making movies once she adjusts to motherhood.

Now, if only the Vatican would screen Deliver Us From Evil ...