WillyWonka Tagged Articles at Cinematical

As I pointed out in my Poltergeist review, I didn't watch much horror as a boy. That's probably a good thing, as even the non-horror flicks I enjoyed often scared the bejesus out of me. You kids today don't know how lucky you have it with your wussy Shreks and your lamewad Pikachus! Children of the 1980s are still in therapy over what Hollywood deemed "family films" back then. The following non-horror mind-screws should prove my point.

Return to Oz (1985)

In high school, I brought Return to Oz to a Halloween movie marathon. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid. Everyone scoffed. "A Wizard of Oz sequel? That's supposed to scare us?" I didn't hear a lot of mockery after the movie started. In fact, nobody said a word until about halfway through, when a friend of mine whispered "Can we please turn this off?" I'm not sure who thought this movie was appropriate for children. It gave me nightmares for nearly a decade.

Dorothy finds a key with an Oz symbol on it, shows it to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry as proof that Oz exists, and is sent to an insane asylum! An evil insane asylum where they give our young heroine electro-shock therapy! That's how this "childrens' film" starts! Once Dorothy gets to Oz, it's a speeding night train of horrors. How about that Nome King? Good LORD! Winged monkeys aren't scary enough anymore, let's give the kids The Wheelers -- sadistic shrieking psychopaths with roller skates instead of hands and feet! Kids today won't be satisfied with just a standard wicked witch, let's really ramp that up too, and ruin their lives! The sequence with the witch's cabinets full of human heads easily rivals anything in the Nightmare on Elm Street series for sheer terror. "Dorothy Gaaaaaale!!!!"

Even the heroes are horrifying! Jack Pumpkinhead? A hybrid stick n' pumpkin creature who calls Dorothy "Mother"? That's your good guy? Not cool, Return to Oz. Not cool.

The Neverending Story (1984)

Along the same lines as Return to Oz, The Neverending Story feels way too dark, weird, and just...wrong to be a kids' movie. I feel my eyes welling up now remembering Atreyu's horse slowly sinking into quicksand and dying. I can't even talk about the Gmork, that big wolfy vampire thing. And a storm called "The Nothing?" Sweet fancy Moses! Also, again, the heroes should not be scarier than the villains! The racing snail? The Rockbiter? That bat-dude? And Falkor? A big flying dog/dragon mutation with disgusting scaly eggs on his skin? We were supposed to root for this hellacious beast?

Another scream-inducing aspect -- one of the worst theme songs in all of 80's film. And that's saying a whole lot!

I'm not sure which I like least: newspaper ink, which gets all over my hands and clothes; or scented perfume and cologne ads, which always manage to open and cover me in their aromas (it's no wonder the internet is doing better than print media!). However, I do know that I will like a certain new innovation, which combines the two annoyances, even less. According to ComingSoon.net, Fox Walden is printing a new kind of ad in the September 9th issue of the L.A. Times that features scented ink. The ad, for Zach Helm's family fantasy film, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, will have designated areas printed in a soy-based ink that, when scratched, emits the smell of frosted cake. Fox Walden chose the specific scent because it should "remind consumers of all ages to be young and have fun."

But what does frosted cake -- or even scented ads in general -- have to do with Mr. Magorium? The movie is about a toy store, not a bakery. Well, I see it as being just another similarity to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, which featured scratch-and-taste stickers of fruits (in the movie, not in its ads). Actually, this new marketing idea would have fit much better with the recent remake, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The plot of Magorium is almost completely modeled on that film -- with a little of Barry Levinson's Toys thrown in for a change of product. Dustin Hoffman plays the title character, a quirky toy-store owner who is searching for a successor to run the magical place. There's no contest or grand-prize tour of the joint -- Magorium's replacement choice is only between his accountant (Jason Bateman) or his store manager (Natalie Portman) -- but the likeness is still obvious. If you aren't as grossed out by the annoying tactic as I, you can check the ad out in Sunday's Fall Movie Sneaks section of the paper.

Filmbrain does the pictorial math on the new Willy Wonka. His general verdict is that Johnny Depp's performance is "both disturbing and more than a little irritating ... far more misanthropic than anything Dahl wrote, he's completely lacking in the charm that allowed Wilder to get away with those insulting one-liners." As for the movie on the whole? It's "far, far better than Filmbrain imagined it would be. However, Burton (as he did in Big Fish) drags the film down into an almost Spielbergian treatise on bad fathers and the importance of family." We'll have two of our own reviews of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory his weekend, so check back for them.