WitlessProtection Tagged Articles at Cinematical

Ya know, it doesn't feel like we're nearing the end of another decade, does it? There's no special millennium celebration or Y2K nonsense to get excited about, so it seems people are just sorta whatever about the past decade as if it wasn't very monumental or iconic, except for the part where our African-American president said something geeky about Star Trek. But I bet all the best end-of-the-decade content is yet to come, and it looks like Rotten Tomatoes is getting things started by presenting us with the worst (reviewed) films of the decade ... which they probably should've waited a couple more months to launch since, ya know, we still haven't seen Avatar (I'm kidding Jim - I'm kidding! Calm down!).

So what's the worst reviewed film of the decade? Well, that honor goes to --drum roll please -- 2002's Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, starring the always enticing duo of Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas. Guess audiences didn't exactly go ballistic over that one, huh? Ecks vs. Sever is closely followed by One Missed Call (2008), Pinocchio (2002), King's Ransom (2005), National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2004), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Strange Wilderness (2008), 3 Strikes (2000), Redline (2007) and rounding out the top 10 worst reviewed movies of the decade is Witless Protection (2008).

Out of all 100 films not one has a rating above 7%, which without a doubt cements its monumental dud status. Check out the entire list over at RT, and then see if you can answer this question: What's the worst film you've seen this decade?

As the season marches on, 'for your consideration' ads litter the trades and various awards analysis websites. However, there aren't nearly enough campaigns for the year's worst performances.

You have your obnoxious kids (Jaden Smith in The Day The Earth Stood Still, Logan Lerman in Meet Bill). You have your touched individuals who straddle the line between functional and, ahem, 'full retard' (Sophie Okonedo in The Secret Life of Bees, Omar Benson Miller in Miracle at St. Anna, David Morse in Hounddog). You've got your guys that give 'insane' a bad name (Jason Butler Harner in Changeling, Donny Osmond in College Road Trip), and you've got your girls that give English a bad name (Ahney Her in Gran Torino, Natalya Rudakova in Transporter 3).

Oh, and then there's just about the entire cast of The Happening. (If I had to pick just one person, though, I'd go with the gardener who babbles on about hot dogs. The man's priceless.)

So, unless we're about to let Witless Protection sweep the Razzies, what were some of your least favorite performances of the year?

I was one of the hardy souls who endured the recent Larry The Cable Guy atrocity Witless Protection, and when I wasn't bleeding out the eyes or praying aloud for the sweet release of death, I was noticing something peculiar: The film has an FBI character named Alonzo Mosely, which was also the name of an FBI character in Midnight Run. In and of itself, that could be a coincidence. But take into account that both Alonzo Moselys are played by the same actor, Yaphet Kotto, and that both are responsible for tracking down on-the-run witnesses who are supposed to testify against the Mafia, and you realize this was done on purpose.

So that's cute, I thought. I figured they probably hired Kotto, realized how similar the character was to the one he played in Midnight Run, and renamed the new character as a little inside joke. Universal Pictures isn't laughing, though, and not just because they watched a Larry The Cable Guy movie. According to The Hollywood Reporter's law blog (not written by Bob Loblaw, unfortunately), they're suing Lionsgate for copyright infringement and seek to stop all further distribution of Witless Protection, including the DVD release scheduled for June 10.

That's right: If Universal wins the case, the movie will be taken out of circulation. Regardless of the legal ramifications, I see this as a victory for society.

Are films political? Do they fall into left-wing and right-wing camps? I would imagine that not all films have an agenda. Some films can be considered "great uniters," in that they bring together agreeing audiences from all over, films like the $200 million hits I Am Legend (264 screens) and National Treasure: Book of Secrets (177 screens) or a critical favorite like There Will Be Blood (339 screens) that has pleased nearly everyone who has seen it. Of course, There Will Be Blood is about a snaky, sinister, blustery oil baron willing to sacrifice his family, country and humanity for the allure of black gold, which may or may not have a little something to do with current events. (Not to mention that director Paul Thomas Anderson dropped the word "Oil" from the title of the source novel and replaced it with the word "Blood.")

In recent years it has been determined that film critics are a liberal bunch, educated, well-read men and women of letters, who can see and comprehend the human condition in films from different cultures all over the world. Or, they're sometimes known as pompous, ponderous, pretentious, conceited, snooty know-it-alls, lacking in good old-fashioned horse sense. "Why can't you just enjoy the movie," is a question very often asked of critics. Rambo (201 screens) is a fascinating case. It's impressively violent, but very grim and not much fun. Rambo debuted and reigned during the Reagan era (Rambo: First Blood Part II grossed three times the amount of the new film, even with 1985 ticket prices). Bringing him back in a decidedly different political atmosphere didn't seem to work, though the film was screened for the press and earned a few good reviews. It's now starting a downslide, and it's still shy of breaking even on its $50 million budget.

How many times has a film come out and you found yourself saying, "what were they thinking?" This week we're looking at trailers where Hollywood's logic is fairly apparent.

Hancock
As of January 2, I Am Legend has pulled in $209.5 million, so the decision to release this teaser trailer now for Will Smith's Hancock shows some pretty sound reasoning. Smith plays a superhero whose hard living ways have caused the public to lose faith in him. The bit were he drunkenly attempts to save a beached whale is definitely a highlight, and the presence of Jason Bateman as Hancock's PR guy shows promise. Always hard to tell from just a teaser, but I'm looking forward to this one. Jessica mentioned the poster for this one a few days ago.

The Bank Job
While it wasn't my cup of tea, you can't deny the earning power of Ocean's 11 through 13, so you can see why the caper film would seem like a good idea. Jason Statham stars in this bank heist tale based on an actual robbery that took place in England in the early 1970s. The heist goes off successfully, but along with the loot the thieves make off with some incriminating photos linking the royal family to a sex scandal. The trailer moves at a break neck pace and the film looks like it should have box office appeal, although personally I've never been a fan of Statham's work.

Yes, apparently Jenny McCarthy is still around (remember when she was, like, the hottest thing going on MTV's Singled Out?) And, apparently, dating Jim Carrey doesn't help much when it comes to landing the big big-screen roles -- I mean, I assume one still has to posses a tiny bit of talent. (Here's where all you rabid Jenny McCarthy supporters get to climb out from under that rock and call me names for insulting your beloved.) In case you at home are still interested in following McCarthy's fascinating on-screen career, the girl has just signed on to star opposite Larry the Cable Guy (moving up in the world, huh?) in Witless Protection, a new comedy we told you about the other day.

In the pic, which is being directed by Charles Carner from his own script, McCarthy will play girlfriend to Larry's character; a small-town sheriff who witnesses what he believes is a woman being abducted, but later finds out that her abductors are really FBI agents assigned to protect her and deliver her to some big Enron-type trial to testify. Only, these FBI guys aren't exactly playing by the rules. Yup, they're corrupt. And they're up to no good. Which means Larry the Cable Guy will have to put down the Budweiser, figure out what the hell is going on and -- you guessed it -- Git-R-Done (which, in Larry language, means "save the day"). Also starring in the film are Ivana Milicevic, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stormare, Joe Mantegna and Eric Roberts. Production is set to begin next month in Chicago. Oh, and in case you're just itching for some more McCarthy, she can next be seen in the film Wieners (about three guys who drive cross country in a wiener-mobile), which I imagine will hit DVD shelves sometime this year.